Misery Loves Me

When I’ve finished reading the comic, I look up at Mikey. I’ve decided I liked the comic. It’s nice to escape this world by reading something. Mikey looks at me expectantly, I try to find a way to say I liked the comic without using words. I know the most people would smile in this kind of situation, but I don’t really can. It’s like the muscles in my face don’t know how to make such a movement. So all I do is nod.

“So that means you liked it?” Mikey asks excited. I nod again. It’s funny how easy he gets this excited.

“HA! I told you so! This comic is just great!” Mikey exclaims while pointing at Gerard and doing a stupid victory dance. Gerard pulls a face at him.

“Frank, you haven’t ever read a comic before, do you?” Gerard asks me then. I shake my head. Gerard smiles at me, I like it when people smile at me in the way he does. It’s not the sneering smile the most people smile when they look at me. It’s different, and I like this one. When I think about it, he may be the only person who smiles at me like this. Even Mikey smiles a bit different. But I like Mikey’s smile too, his is, the most of the time, one of happiness.

“Frank?” What? I look at Mikey who shrugs.

“You spaced out again,” he says, “and Gerard was just telling me that it isn’t fair to let you decide if it’s a good comic or not.”

“Not because I don’t respect your opinion, but you’ve never read another comic. So you have nothing to compare it too. Comics in general are just awesome, but I tell you: almost all comics are better than this one!”

“That’s just not true! Don’t say that!” Mikey whines to Gerard before turning to me and continuing in a now serious voice, “This is the best comic you’ll ever read, Frank!” I see Gerard smiling and shaking his head behind Mikey. I don’t know who to believe, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I don’t think they’ll ever shut up about it. But it isn’t an real argument, like I thought. This is a kind of argument that is fun. I don’t see what the fun is, but apparently Mikey and Gerard do.

“Well, I think Frankie find us slightly annoying, so let’s just shut up.” Gerard says when he notices I still don’t know what to do in this situation.

“Okay, what are we doing then?” Mikey asks us.

“Is watching a movie okay with the both of you?” Gerard asks us while getting on his feet.

“I’m in! Frank?” I nod.

We’re walking downstairs when I notice that I have to pee. I don’t know where their toilet is, so I try to find a way to ask. I don’t feel like signing it, that would be awkward, so I tap Mikey on his shoulder and sign to him that I need a paper and pencil. He smiles and sprints back upstairs to come back moments later with a small notebook and pen.

“You can keep this,” he says while handing it to me. I’m shocked. Why would he give something to me? It’s his. I already feel bad for using things that are his, and now he gives it to me. He shouldn’t waste anything on me. Nothing really. Not even time! He’s doing more and more for me, and I feel guilty for taking it. I’m not worthy of his kindness.

“What’s wrong Frank?” I look at him shocked. “This will be useful when you have to talk to us and we haven’t got paper near. Just keep it in your pocket, so we’ll always be able to communicate without messed up sign language.” Yes. That’s true. It will be very useful. But still, can I just take it?

“Take it, and don’t think of giving it back. I won’t accept it.” Mikey is still a mind reader. I finally take it, and think of why this started. I still don’t know where the toilet is. When I write it down, Mikey shows me the way and says he and Gerard will set the movie ready.

When I come back they both sit on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn. The spot between them on the couch is big enough for me to sit. But if I do, my sides will both touch Gerard’s and Mikey’s side. And I’m not that comfortable with physical contact. I stand beside the couch looking for somewhere else to sit, but I don’t find anything. Should I sit between them? What do they want? Do they expect me to just sit on the floor? Or would they find that weird? I shuffle awkwardly on the spot. Mikey notices that I’m back in the room and smiles at me.

“Take a seat! We’re not gonna bite you or anything,” he says, making Gerard cough and turn his head away. I don’t get why exactly, doesn’t he want me to sit there? Mikey does. Should I just sit there while I’m not sure if Gerard is fine with it? Mikey is already pushing Gerard to the side and throwing some pillows away, so that there’s more room for me. I don’t think I’ve much of a choice so I slowly walk over and sit down between them. I try to touch them as less as possible, but I can’t help that my tights touch theirs. Gerard seems to notice my self-consciousness and gives me a reassuring smile.

“Which movie are we watching, Mikes?” He asks his younger brother.

“Dead silence,” He answers. “I hope you’re okay with horror?” He then asks, directing me. I nod. I don’t really know, seeing as I haven’t seen any. But I decide that I’m not gonna complain. They don’t have to change the movie because I don’t know if I like it. They are already doing more than enough for me.

The movie starts. It’s good and I decide that, if this is what horror movies are like, I like horror. I’m now comfortable sitting between Mikey and Gerard. Comfortable in both the physically and psychically way. Mikey jumps and squeals every time something scary happens. After a while he’s clinging to my arm for dear life. When Gerard sees this he giggles and whispers in my ear:

“If he’s squeezing your arm to dead, just hit him. It’s what I always do and it works.” It feels weird to feel his breath on my ear. But weird in a good way. I ponder that feeling for a moment before realizing what he said. I look at him and shrug, signaling that I don’t mind.

The movie gets better and better, and therefore more scary. Mikey is now burying his head it the gap between my shoulder and the couch, and only looking at the TV between his fingers. At a really scary part, I jump and squeal. It’s the first noise that comes out of my mouth since a very long time. It feels weird to have my vocal chords working. Even if it isn’t talking. But not even this weird feeling gets my attention away from the movie, it’s scaring me shitless. Gerard taps on my shoulder. I look at him and he hold his arm up with an questioning look on his face. It takes a moment, but then I get what he means. He asks permission to put his arm around me. I don’t know if I want that. I don’t know why he would want that. But he’s asking, so he wants it, right? I decide it can’t hurt, and nod slowly. He puts his arm around me like I’m the most fragile thing on earth. We watch the movie like this for a while, until the doll made from a dead body suddenly moves. I jump and Gerard holds me tighter, making me lean into him a bit. Now I’m leaning on Gerard, who has and strong arm around me, and Mikey is hiding behind me while clinging to my arm and murmuring unintelligent things. It may seem weird, but I don’t want to come out of this position forever. It makes me feel needed and protected. Feelings I’ve never felt before.