To Say Goodbye

March 15, 2002 my brothers birthday, and a day that changed my life forever. I was young, I was naive, and dare I say it I was happy. A child who had known nothing of hurt and despair. No one knew what was coming that day.

It was my brothers birthday party, his 5th, and I don't think he really remembers. I don't think anyone does. It was like a totally different world back then, where we could go around skipping and singing. I miss those days.

You were complaining of a toothache all day at the party, we thought nothing of it, so what its just a toothace, go to the dentist check it out, whatever right? I think even you thought that.
Hours later your lying on your deathbed barely breathing. Did I even say goodbye? No I did not. I was off with my cousin, to busy to pay any mind.

You practically taught me how to laugh, and how to live. I hated you being gone. I hated alot back then, and that was before I even knew what hate was. I miss you, and you wouldn't be proud of who I am now.

I still have that anklet you bought me in Hawaii, it hurts to even look at it. I miss you, things are different. The whole family changed without you. You were so young. Its such a shame. I wish I knew you could be proud of me. But I'm not proud of myself. I failed. I am not worth it. Things are so different five years later.

Anthony got baptized as well as Dino. Many people have gotten married, Isabella has grown up. The family picnic is still hard to think about. It has been crazy. Did you know I am starting highschool? I am so old. And things....just didn't work out....

I got a part in the school play today, and I wish you could have been here. I took you here for granted, like so much else. Everyone loved you, things were so different,everything and everyone have changed so much.

I just want to give up....on everything...You should have seen me in the hospital last spring. I was there for easter, that was rough. I feel bad I must be so hard to take care of. I wish I could say you would be proud of me, but I don't think anyone is anymore.....How can they be when even I myself am not. I miss you, and this is the last way I could say goodbye.