Does It Help You to Play as You’re Wasting Away

This is probably the best thing to happen. I’ve been nothing but a mess. I don’t regret doing this. I’ve had enough of everything already. This is just too much. People may judge me but I don’t care. This is my life. I can fucking do whatever I want. I can live it the way I want. Fuck regrets. This is probably the best decision I’ve come up for once. This is the only decision that I came up for myself and not have anyone decide it for me. I’m fuckin proud of myself right now.

I have been dealing with a lot of angst from people that I don’t even know. People ask too much from me. They want me to give them all the attention. They want me to write songs. They want me to perform. They want me to give a lot of hilarious sexual banters during live shows. They want me to sing to them. They want me to be in a certain show. They want me to be somewhere. They always ask me to do things.

But from all this, did someone even bother to ask me what I want? What I need? Did someone ever think that I just want to sit in a corner and stare at nothing for hours? Did anyone even bother to think that I need sometime for myself too? Did anyone even ask me how I’m doing or if I feel fine in this shitty day? Did anyone ever think that I want to quit? Did anyone ever think that maybe I’m tired of all this?

No one did. Not even my friends.

All they care is what will they gain if I do this. I started doing this for my love of music. I started doing this because I can express myself and my feelings through it. I did this because I love it. I did this because Jack asked me too.

Ah yes, Jack.

He’s my best friend. Just thinking about him always brings a smile to me. Even if I’m hurting inside he always manages to make me feel happy and I forget all my problems, my doubts and fear, even just for some time until they come flooding back again when he leaves. Jack is the only person who understands me, he’s the only one who knows who I really am. He gets me, just like that. He’s the only one who ever knew my true feelings when Daniel died. He’s the only one who truly stocked out and put up with all my misery and drama. He never complains even if I give him all the shit because I’m just pissed off. He’ll just hug me and wouldn’t let go until I’m calm. He always tells me that everything will be okay. He always manages to convince me to keep going, that everything will be better, that it will get better. And silly me, always fall prey to his irresistible charm.

Jack means the world to me, if only he knows.

I’ve love him from the start, but I’ve manage to keep this to myself. I can’t take it if he will know and disgust me for it. I can’t lose him. He’s the only reason that I keep going anymore. But I’m still planning to tell him though, after all this is over. I want to let him know just how much he means to me. I want to tell him all the things that I've kept for all those years. All the things that I can’t utter for lack of strength and will power to just end my misery. I want to tell him how I feel, it is beyond words. I want to tell him, I love him too much that it hurts. But I doubt that I can do this, I’m not that strong and I never will be.

I guess he’ll never know now. He will never know.

---

It was a dark gloomy day. The weather joins with the heavy feeling that hangs in the air. Everyone gathered around, all feeling bleak and broken. As the priest say the homily, the rain slowly out poured and it curtains the faces streaked with tears.

After the service, everyone left with a heavy shattered heart.

The epitaph reads:

Alexander William Gaskarth

A son, a brother and a friend.

You will be missed.