Falling Apart to Half Time

This had to be some sort of a fucking joke.

I raced out of the restaurant as quickly as I could without drawing attention to myself, experiencing a heaving in my stomach that seemed like someone was squeezing it into a tight ball and trying to pull it out through my throat. My heart was beating so incredibly fast that it felt like someone was trying to rip that stupid thing out, too.

I held myself up, using a nearby light post for support, the light flowing down on my like a spotlight. I felt awkward, like someone was going to turn the corner and see me any second, but I didn’t care enough to go back inside.

Three years. Three goddamn years we had been together and she threw it all away just like that.

I felt like I could cry, my chest was heaving so hard, but my tear ducts wouldn’t work for some reason.

I took a couple deep, shaking breaths; I felt like I was gasping for air after the time I almost drowned when I was five, but this hurt worse. When I finally managed to partly calm myself down, or at least enough to speak without breaking down, I reached a pale - when did it get like that? - hand into my jeans pocket into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone.

I pressed the unlock button, but the screen didn’t even light up. I tried it a couple more frantic times, then in an uncontrollable gesture of frustration, threw it at the ground.

“Dammit!” I screamed, grabbing a fistful of my hair. I could feel the trembling as I breathed in and out, pacing back and fourth up and down the five or so feet of sidewalk that was lit under the streetlamp.

Just my shitty luck. Of course my cell had to die on the one night in my life that I needed it the most; the one night where everything could ride on just talking to her. I groaned loudly, tearing my hands from my head, and closed my eyes.

When I opened them back up, I started for a couple moments, wondering if I should make the trip back to our - “our” - place, but then my eyes came into focus, and I saw I was staring at my savior. I breathed a sigh of relief, and started digging into my pockets.

Two quarters later, I was punching in the numbers to Lexi’s cell number, bringing up the grody pay phone to my ear. The nine stuck in the slot, but I didn’t care, as long as I could talk to her.

The phone rang twice before she picked up.

“Hello?”

“Its just a dance, isn’t it?” I asked her, already shaking twice as hard as I was before. Hearing her voice was so bittersweet.

“What?” she asked, immediately going into that innocent, confused charade she used when she knew I was mad at her.

“Its just a dance to you. This relationship; everything! Like some sort of sick, twisted dance - you think you can just play with people and get away with it when its all over? No!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” she interrupted me, a note of panic in her voice that I could probably only detect because I knew her so well. “What are you trying to imply here? A-are you tying to say that you think I’m cheating on you?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying, Lexi!” I felt oddly breathless. “You’re cheating on me. I know. Dave just told me. He said he saw you at that club yesterday. You told me you were with Melissa. You weren’t.”

“What?” she said, acting offended. “I was with Melissa! That’s where we went - the club! Dave’s obviously jumping to conclusions, baby, believe me, I would never-”

“Then why didn’t he see even a glimpse of her there, huh? And why were you seen there hanging on a guy the entire night?” I could hear my voice starting to get louder and more frantic, but I couldn’t help myself.

“Hold on, where are you, are you still at the restaurant with the guys? I’m coming over there,”

“No, don’t even bother, I really don’t wanna do this right now. Or any more. I can’t take it. You cheated on me.” I think my voice almost cracked, but I held it back.

I heard Lexi sigh and pause for a moment, and I could just imagine the look on her face as she thought about how exactly to say what was on her mind. She always did that when she didn’t know what to say.

“Look, hun, you know I’m not good with words,” she started, but I interrupted her yet again.

“And you know I’m not either! But this isn’t about words, this is about what you did, and how much you fucking hurt me!”

“Oh yeah, well what about me?” she screamed suddenly, “What about you, and always going out all the time and never seeing me, or always having plans with your guy friends, and never doing anything for me, or with me, or even just working all the time?! I mean, come on, it sounds cliché, but its like I don’t even exist to you anymore!” I could tell she was getting hysterical.

“I do everything for you! I try to make time for you all the time! And I know I’ve been busy with work, but I can’t help that! I have payments to make; the apartment, college, not to mention food! And I’m sorry if I occasionally wanna spend some time with my friends because I don’t ever get to see them with school and work, and yeah, I’ll admit, it is unfair to you, but this - this - no on should ever feel like-”

I stopped once I realized I was full out screaming and took a deep, heaving, shaking, painful breath. As soon as I drew it in, I felt my eyes well up, like breathing was causing some sort of chain reaction linked to my crying reflex.

“It can’t get much worse than this…” I heard her sigh on the phone, and I knew she was doing that thing where she would shake her head and start massaging her temples.

“Yeah, ya think?” I said sarcastically, my temper suddenly flaring up again at those words. “How about this - you actually putting some effort into the relationship, huh? Because God knows I do! I don’t understand how the fuck its so easy to get up the nerve to go to some random drunk stranger’s house, while you’re shitfaced yourself, and fucking crawl into bed with him, and you can’t even get up the spine to try and make this relationship work! What if, let’s say, you show me just a little bit of that spine you’ve been saving for that mattress, and work a little damn harder at the relationship instead?!”

Lexi was silent and at this point, I knew she was crying, and it made me even more miserable. I knew her so well, and it tormented me so much when she cried that the image was forever burned into my brain - seeing those blue eyes brim over with tears always did the same to me. I could feel it happening now, and I quickly rubbed it out with my hand.

“I am so sorry,” I heard her say through a choked-back sob. God, I wanted to forgive her so badly right now. I just wanted to everything to go back to the way it was before; before any of this had happened. I just wanted her to be able to fall asleep next to me tonight, and everything would be right again.

I heard the rolling of tires behind me and I saw a silver Ford pull up next to the curb, shutting off its headlights as soon as I raised my hand to shield my eyes from the bright light. I saw in the front seat a girl with short, raven-black hair that curled around her face in feathers, framing her high cheekbones and sparkling blue eyes. She looked at me with a frightened expression on her face, like a deer caught in the headlights, holding up her phone to her ear. I simply stared.

“…Can we talk?” she whispered quietly, undoubtedly trying to hold back the onset of another wave of tears. I bit my lip, and, taking a deep breath, left the payphone hanging on the cord, swinging from the box, and walked quickly over to her car. I saw her hang up the phone, and she stepped out of the car and met me on the curb, grabbing my shoulders.

“God, George, I am so sorry,” she started, already starting to cry again. “I should have never done that, ever, it was unfair to you and I understand if you don’t want to forgive me, but I just wanted to let you know, I’m sorry. I’m sorry with all my heart, and soul, and everything I am, I’m sorry.”

She always babbled when she got worked up about something. It was one of the many things I loved about her.

“It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, I know, I would never do it again, ever. I guess I just had a moment of weakness, and I know that’s no excuse,” she said, looking up at me earnestly. “I guess I just wanted to live a life that I thought I wanted. But I realize now; that’s not the life I want at all. The life I want is you. Just you.”

She swallowed, and looked down at her feet, not wanting to face my, or at least what she thought was going to be, terrible reaction. Instead, I sighed, and wrapped my arms around her. Instantly, she let out a sob and squeezed me tight, and I kissed her head.

“I know, hun, I know,” I whispered, trying to get her to calm down. I stroked her hair, and kissed the top of her head, the usual things I would do to settle her down when she was upset.

“I believe you, Lexi,” I said firmly. “I know you, and I know you when you say that you would never do something like that again. I believe you, and I forgive you.” I tipped her chin up to look at me, and smiled, and I saw the most gorgeous expression of relief and love cross her face as her lips pulled back into a smile, revealing her perfect, straight white teeth, and her eyes shined, despite the red puffiness from crying.

“How about this: wanna go back home and give it another shot?” I asked her softly, and she nodded vigorously, a huge grin on her face. I chuckled softly, and started leading her back to the car.

“Wait,” she said suddenly, and I stopped.

“What is it?”

“You know how you said this is all just a dance to me?” she asked, and I nodded. “Well…I think it is. Life is a dance. And whether we’re falling apart or living it up, it’s a dance. And everyone has to have a dance partner, right?”

“Yeah…” I said, getting nervous about where she was going with this.

“I think dance partners should be permanent. So, what I’m saying is, I just wanna dance with you. Even if the dance is a bit of a hard one.” She smiled at me, and I laughed.

“Well, I guess this one’s gonna be kickin’ it into half time, then!”