Tears Streaming Down Like Rain

I dreamt of him again, even though I know I shouldn’t. He’s too perfect for me. I can’t even come close to what he is. He’s too good for me. I’m not good enough for him. How could US possibly happen? He’s way out of my league. He has high expectations while I can barely reach his knee. It hurts me. It hurts me knowing that I can’t reach him. It hurts me than I can never be the ‘her’ that’ll end up being with him.

‘Annyka, stop bringing you hopes up,’ my friend dictated to me, ‘You’ll just get hurt,’

I smile at her, not showing that I was already hurt by what she said. How can I feel good about myself when there’s no one else to tell me that I have chances? How will I be able to prove my love when they all say I’m not good enough? How will I be able to stand when my friends are building a hole for me to jump into? Who will pick me up when my dearest friends are all telling me to give up?

‘I mean, he’s been the Gold Medallist since he was in Grade 2, he’s been excelling in every event he has been, he’s a good dancer, and no offense, you’ve got no talent when it comes to dancing. And he likes girls who’s up for everything, and I know what you are Annyka, you’re a pessimist and he doesn’t like that,’ she blabbed. ‘Let’s just accept the fact that you’re nothing compared to him,’

I smiled again. ‘I’ll take my chances,’ I told her, strolling away. I was keeping tears the whole entire time she kept on blabbing. I was already hurt and the people that were supposed to tell me that everything was going to be okay hurt me more.

I know that I’m not supposed to hope and even think one tad bit that he feels the same way.
I know I’m not supposed to even speak his name. and I know everything my friend said was true; that I’m not a good dancer, I’ve got two left feet and I’ve been very pessimistic about everything I do. But how can I stop having a very low self-esteem when my friends are saying all my insecurities on my face.

I’m ugly. He’s handsome. I’m dumb. He’s smart. He’s tall. I’m short. I’m pessimistic. He’s optimistic. We’re completely different. But despite all this, I still like to think that Opposites DO attract. But everything just falls to thinking and more dreams that will never be reached.

After a few weeks of trying to forget him, I was not successful. I still had dreams of him. One dream I can’t forget was when we were at the beach, lying on the sand. Our hands came across each other and he grabbed it and intertwined both. I know it was a dream, but it felt so real. I can feel his fingertips touching my palms, it’s squishing its hands against mine and it felt so cold. It felt so cold in a warm way. It felt good.

And I know I wasn’t over him when I noticed that I still write his name on my notebooks. I still make those stupid hearts every time I think about him. I still pause every time he passes by. I still hear his name and his adorable laugh going on replay on my head. Everything still feels the same the moment I fell in love.

The day I found him sitting on a bench with a girl was when everything went against me. I wasn’t shocked though, the fact that he was always with a girl lingered in my head. But my heart dropped the moment I realized that the girl he was with was my friend. The exact friend who blabbed those things to me on my face, they were both so serious as they stared at each other. My heart broke; I could hear it wailing.

‘Would you go out on a date with me?’ I heard him say as he scratched his head and smiled at her, pulling a bouquet of flowers from his back.

My friend glared at him as she began to smile; I looked away. I was going to break down any moment now. I could feel my whole system breaking on my knees. My whole water system is going to flood. I had to go away.
I didn’t want to see. The mere thought of them going out breaks me. It broke me. How could she, she knew I like him and I’m dying to be with him. But why the heck did she do this? She makes me feel so stupid.

Everything fell on the wrong places when I heard that 9 word sentence. It all went so fast. M eyes were starting to clog and everything went black. My head was twisting. And I could feel this familiar hurt in my chest, the feeling that I have been having for the past few 5 years of my life. The same hurt I was feeling when he picked another girl for prom, the same feeling when I saw pictures of different girls around him, the exact feeling that I kept the moment I fell in love. Those feelings were the same, the feelings that constantly broke me.

Then someone grabbed me. I whirled.

I looked up. My heart stopped for a moment. I caught my breath. It was him.

He looked down at me as he retrieved his hands, ‘Umm... Do you have a minute?’

I looked down on my sneakers, trying to hide my tears in my eyes. I didn’t want him to see me like this, to see me weak and defenseless. ‘Sure,’ I said under my breath, my voice
slightly cracking.

He was silent at first. I didn’t dare look up, I might lose myself and my tears would scramble and stream down like rain. I didn’t want it to happen. All I was curious about was that why would he come up to me, when he got a ‘yes’ to a girl.

‘I was just thinking…’ he paused. He lifted his hand up to my chin and jerked it to make me face him. I looked up. My tears were waiting to be pushed out. I kept them steady; afraid I would blink. ‘Look at me,’

I smiled at him, ‘I am,’

He smiled back. My heart stopped once again. It felt like it was for me. Like it wasn’t meant for someone else, it made me feel special. ‘I just want to ask if…’

Then he paused, scratching his head. ‘I’m not used to this,’ he laughed under his breath, the kind of laugh where it plays echoes in your head.

I looked at him, curiously. My head spinning, I was confused.

Then my friend came up from his back and smiled at me, ‘He’s been consulting me to help him to take you out, and apparently, he’s losing breath when we just had our practice a moment ago,’ she winked, ‘So for his reputation, would you go out on a date with him?’

I smiled; nodding as those tears came streaming down like rain.