Falling to Pieces

It happened six months ago and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get over it. His heart wouldn’t allow it. Sometimes it would wake him up at night; he’d wake up and feel the cool sheets beside him reminding him that he was alone, his arms empty, no negative back to cradle from behind, no neck to kiss and curl into and it tore him to pieces.

If he said he didn’t miss her, he was lying. Every atom of his being missed her. The simplest things would send him through an elegiac whirlwind. The way her perfume and shampoo mingled together perfectly, how she’d always vacuum in her underwear, or how she’d always wake up before him just to brush her teeth and then get back into bed so he’d think she woke up that way, or even the how she’d like to shave her legs on top of the bathroom counter instead of in the shower. He was having a day where everything he did reminded him of her and how every song he heard related to her, and he hated those days because they reminded him of the one thing he didn’t have.

Physical attraction was there, but mentally, they understood each other and to think they met by total accident would seem ludicrous to an untrained eye, but they were instant best friends who understood each other without saying a word.

The night they met, the two bonded over their heartbreaks. Both of them out long, tired relationships and attempting to turn over a new leaf; single life was new to the both of them, and although neither of them were looking to be in a relationship so quickly because to them love is ecstasy and agony; freedom and imprisonment; belonging and loneliness and at the end of the day it’s what keeps us together when life tears us apart so as they looked at their situation in black and white they knew they had to be together.

As time passed, the two grew closer, and their feelings for each other grew stronger, but with his hectic lifestyle there would be times when the two wouldn’t be able to see each other for months at a time. When beginning the relationship, she had no idea who he was, or what he did, and when he finally told her what he was all about, she knew this would be something she would have to learn how to except. He was apart of the music world. A place based on “sex, drugs, and rock and roll”, where rumors could be started with just a click of a paparazzi camera, and where relationships ended quicker than they started.

What she liked most about him, was that he didn’t try to flaunt his wealth or his success, he wanted her to except him for him, which was a human being that was something aside from the music and fame, and in return she decided to not listen to his music, because she didn’t want to ruin something that to both of them was special, but when time came for him to go on tour, she knew she something had to change.

He remembered the day perfectly, and knew what she said word for word. In her angelic voice he remember her saying, “Matthew, you know I care about you so much that it almost hurts, but I’m not sure if I can do this anymore,” he recalled how she looked down towards the ground before continuing, “Matt, two people can be perfect for each other, but if the timing isn’t right, then its never going to work, and I think bad timing is the reason why people like us are single. I mean, weirdos and creeps are single because they’re weirdos and creeps, but we’re single because of bad timing, and I think right now, we’ve found ourselves in that same predicament and I can’t let it go on any longer.”

As she finished speaking he didn’t want to believe she was ending it, especially this way. He was at a loss for words, but when he was able to piece together sentences he said, “I know what this is about, Kate. You’re women and you’re afraid of becoming obsolete, and I mean, you’re almost thirty so men are starting to notice younger girls and its freaking you out.”

She forced a laugh before placing her palm on his dimpled cheek, “I wish you were right, Matthew, but I don’t want to hold you back anymore. I don’t want you to wait for me anymore. You need to move on with your life, and you can’t be dragging me around like a ball and chain. It’s for the best, trust me on this, Matthew.” He heard her words clearly, but he didn’t want to comprehend them. He wanted so much to disagree and tell her otherwise, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak, so he just nodded his head as she kissed his cheek, whispered softly in his ear that she’d be back later to pick up her stuff, and just like that, she left.

Now, as six months had passed, he needed to see her. His heart couldn’t handle not seeing her. Even if she had moved on, he hadn’t, and he needed to either make peace or have this be a catalyst for starting over. Since the band was having a get together with close friends, he’d thought he’d invite her, calling her up on the phone, his heart beating anxiously as he heard her voice on the receiving end.

“I need to see you.” He said simply, he heard her chuckle, but she didn’t question it and she knew he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.
“Anything for you, Matthew; give me a time and a place and I’ll be there.” He smiled giving her the details before hanging up from the accomplished phone call.

When the night had come to see her, he was nervous, his mind was everywhere, but his feelings were strong. He knew she’d be arriving at any minute and had trouble getting his bearings together, and when he finally came face to face with her it was even worse. His mind was drawing a blank and all he could focus on was how good she looked.

Instead of the long mane she used to have, Kate’s dark hair fell just below her shoulders in a sophisticated cut. She wore an olive green sundress that fell mid-thigh and matched her eyes and showed a tasteful amount of cleavage that, Matthew had trouble not staring at. It almost baffled him that he had gone six months without seeing her.

“I miss you,” he finally said, “The truth of the matter is, I still have feelings for you. And no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off with out you, a part of me just won't let go, and I never got to tell you how I felt that night you left. I…don’t think we should have gone out separate ways. I mean, I know I have a busy schedule but we can make it work.”

Kate gave Matt a weary smile, sadness glistened her eyes, but she still shook her head, “Oh, Matthew, I miss you too, but you don’t need me.”

“…but I do, Katie. I think about you everyday. I think about what went wrong and I’m willing to wait for you. I’ll put all this on hold for you.” Matt stepped closer to Kate there where now just a few inches apart.

“No, Matthew, you can’t,” every time she said his name his heart skipped a beat, “I’m not going to let you.”

“Why can’t you trust me, Katie? Why is this so hard for you to figure out? I want to be with you. I want…” Katie began to shake her head quickly before cutting him off.

“I met…someone, Matthew,” Kate said, her eyes almost spilling over with tears but she still continued about her new beau, “and he’s amazing, and I think if I can find someone new, then you can too.” Matt just stood and looked at her.

Her words didn’t make sense to him. He wasn’t sure if had missed something or if this was actually the end.

“Matthew, don’t looks so upset. You know I adore you, you know I’m always here for you; its just time for us both to move on. I think its time we let each other go and for me that’s hard for me to do, because I know there’s a part of me that will love you for the rest of my life, but right now, we just can’t make this work.” Kate said as she pulled Matt into a hug.

“Well, um, yeah. You’re right, Kate, just remember that wherever you go, and whatever you do. Don’t say I didn’t love you, because I do.”

“I love you too, but I’m only doing the right thing, Matthew. You’ll thank me later,” and with that, she turned and left.

Matthew stood and watched her leave with a broken heart, and empty arms. At the end of the day love is a minefield; you take a step and get blown to pieces, but you get back up put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step, but that’s human nature, it hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow-up than be single.

He was still alive, but barely breathing but he still attempted at making sense of what remained, but then realized that when a heart breaks, it doesn’t breakeven.