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These Things I'll Never Say
Day Eleven; I can't bring you back to life.
Dearest Erik,
This is probably the millionth time I've wanted to talk to you in the past four years. I miss you more than words can ever explain, and I can't believe you've been gone for so long. I want to say that I love you, and I never have stopped.. I never will stop. You were probably the most important person in my life, ever, and I'll never stop missing you, and I'll never be able to patch up the hole that was left in my heart from losing you. Now, I know that if you were actually reading this, you'd be trying your damnedest to get me to erase that last little bit, but I refuse. My heart may have tried to mend itself, and the hole may have shrunk and I may have stuffed things in it, trying to patch it.. But the place you held in my life was too big to ever be replaced by anyone else.
I keep trying to think of how everything would have turned out if you were still around, how I would have turned out if you were still around. Would I still be living in Alaska, or would I have found a way to clear off with you. Would you be living up here with me, and would my mother know about us? Would Zachy still be alive? Would Justin? Would Zach have ever met Christian? Would Andre have lost his mind without the aid from the grief from your death? Would anything be like it is now.. Would I even know the people I do right now? But, I guess there's no point in asking those silly questions, is there? The now is now, and I can't change it.. But, what if I could? I constantly wish I could go back in time and save you, somehow. But, then, I start wondering if I'd be able to save you.. Fate is a hard thing to fight, but, I assure you I would be fighting with all I had to keep you alive. I love you, Erik, so much. More than anything. I wish you had been here when I got pregnant and had my miscarriage... But, then, thinking on that, if you had been here I probably would have never gotten into the position, and I never would have gone through that tragedy anyways. You saved me and protected me from everything, it's a wonder I can live without you. Honestly, I almost can't.
Some days I hope you're not looking down at me from Heaven.. Because you'd probably be disappointed in some of the choices I've made, some of the things I've done. I know that all you wanted was for me to be happy, and I swear I'm trying my best for you. I don't want to do anything that could upset of disappoint you, but it's honestly hard to be as happy as I was after losing so many people that were close to me. Especially you.
I know I dwell way to much on how life would have been if I'd never lost you. I know I do. But, it's hard not to, you know. When you feel like you've met the love of your life at the age of 12, it's almost impossible to ever forget him; especially when everyone could tell the feeling was so real, so genuine. I love you, I miss you, I need you... I think if I write anymore I'm going to start crying.. The thoughts and memories are all swirling through my mind and I can't keep the tears out of my eyes.
If somehow you can read this, say hello to Christian, Zachy, Daddy, Granpa, Granny, and Gramma for me, won't you? I love you, Erik, and I will forever love you. Can't wait to see you in Heaven..
With all the love in my heart,
Mirabear
This is probably the millionth time I've wanted to talk to you in the past four years. I miss you more than words can ever explain, and I can't believe you've been gone for so long. I want to say that I love you, and I never have stopped.. I never will stop. You were probably the most important person in my life, ever, and I'll never stop missing you, and I'll never be able to patch up the hole that was left in my heart from losing you. Now, I know that if you were actually reading this, you'd be trying your damnedest to get me to erase that last little bit, but I refuse. My heart may have tried to mend itself, and the hole may have shrunk and I may have stuffed things in it, trying to patch it.. But the place you held in my life was too big to ever be replaced by anyone else.
I keep trying to think of how everything would have turned out if you were still around, how I would have turned out if you were still around. Would I still be living in Alaska, or would I have found a way to clear off with you. Would you be living up here with me, and would my mother know about us? Would Zachy still be alive? Would Justin? Would Zach have ever met Christian? Would Andre have lost his mind without the aid from the grief from your death? Would anything be like it is now.. Would I even know the people I do right now? But, I guess there's no point in asking those silly questions, is there? The now is now, and I can't change it.. But, what if I could? I constantly wish I could go back in time and save you, somehow. But, then, I start wondering if I'd be able to save you.. Fate is a hard thing to fight, but, I assure you I would be fighting with all I had to keep you alive. I love you, Erik, so much. More than anything. I wish you had been here when I got pregnant and had my miscarriage... But, then, thinking on that, if you had been here I probably would have never gotten into the position, and I never would have gone through that tragedy anyways. You saved me and protected me from everything, it's a wonder I can live without you. Honestly, I almost can't.
Some days I hope you're not looking down at me from Heaven.. Because you'd probably be disappointed in some of the choices I've made, some of the things I've done. I know that all you wanted was for me to be happy, and I swear I'm trying my best for you. I don't want to do anything that could upset of disappoint you, but it's honestly hard to be as happy as I was after losing so many people that were close to me. Especially you.
I know I dwell way to much on how life would have been if I'd never lost you. I know I do. But, it's hard not to, you know. When you feel like you've met the love of your life at the age of 12, it's almost impossible to ever forget him; especially when everyone could tell the feeling was so real, so genuine. I love you, I miss you, I need you... I think if I write anymore I'm going to start crying.. The thoughts and memories are all swirling through my mind and I can't keep the tears out of my eyes.
If somehow you can read this, say hello to Christian, Zachy, Daddy, Granpa, Granny, and Gramma for me, won't you? I love you, Erik, and I will forever love you. Can't wait to see you in Heaven..
With all the love in my heart,
Mirabear