These Things I'll Never Say

Dear Boychild,

Yea, I know you hate the name but I promise you it's a title of endearment. If I didn't love you I wouldn't even take the time to give you a nickname even if the nickname is one that you absolutely despise.

You're one of my favorite people in this world, and no matter how mean I am to you sometimes, I rarely mean it. I mean, we practically raised each other with all the shit that we had to go through with our parents. It was a really messed up life back then, and I'm glad that I always had you to turn to. I know I did a lot of the protecting even though I was the younger sibling... But, you kept me alive all those years, and I don't know how I would have made it without you.

Life has been chainging so much lately, what with you applying to go off and live at Job Corp while I'm only just turning sixteen and tryring desperately to get through highschool. I'm kinda scared, Ian, because even though I keep saying I'm doing so great, it's all just a front because I'm supposed to be so great, so perfect. No one can ever be perfect, can they? I'm not a screw up, am I?

I miss talking to you like we used to, you know. The long discussions about nothing, the talks we used to have about different things we were interested, just talking about life in general. We used to talk for hours, and you used to be the one person I could come to with everything; but now you're always busy and surrounded by your friends. Native living there really puts a damper on our relationship (Mine and yours, I mean.) I never get the chance to just hang out with you anymore. Never get the chance to just talk to you, just shoot the bull. Not only has your friends being around all the time changed the way that we were, but losing dad changed everything too. I sometimes wonder if you miss him as much as I do? Do you remember how he looked that day. So cold, so purple. Did you even really see him? I did.
I'm the one who found him. Is that day clear in your mind like yesterday, but still blurred at the edges? I keep wondering these things, but we never get the chance to talk. The following months after Dad died before Christian saved me are all a blur. A painful, surreal blur that, frankly, I'm quite glad I don't remember. All I remember is feeling empty and broken everyday.. Does that make me weak, Ian?

Do you ever have nightmares about his face? His cold, lifeless, purple face? I do. I miss him so much that it hurts to breath sometimes, he was one of my favorite people in this world, and the last block holding the little bit of family we had together. Mom still isn't there for us. I just think she doesn't know how to be a mother, what do you think?

All the times she used to beat the shit out of us, fresh in my mind for some reason. Do you ever see her as nothing more than a monster? Do you ever have nightmares that she's gonna kill one of us, that she's going to turn evil? Does this make me a monster, too? Not being able to forgive the woman who gave birth to me, the woman who is at least trying to be a good mother. She's still fucking terrible at it.

Enough talking about Mom and Dad; enough about the rest of the family.. I wanna know about you now. I wanna know how you've really been this past year. I wish you'd talk to me again, and I mean, really talk to me. Tell me how you feel about things. I wish we could be the dynamic duo again. Could we, do you think? Or, have those days been ruined by time and heartbreak? I don't even know what you think about me anymore...
Do you really think I'm as annoying as you put off? Am I really that annoying.. I don't try to annoy you, I just, I'm trying to have fun with you. I'm trying to mess around like we used to. I'm trying to get the old brother-sister-friendship we had a long time ago; but everything I do seems to just push you away a little further..

I guess dating your friends doesn't help much, either does it? Does it make things awkward for you? I'm really sorry if it does; if there's one thing that I will always stay consistant about when it comes to you is that you have a great idea of who to be friends with, and who not to be. All of your friends are such great people, and I guess I just tend to fall for nice guys.. Even though, eventually nice guys bore me. Is that terrible?

So, Ian, moving on from my love life; let's talk about yours. You need one, and I mean, really. I want to find you a girlfriend who you like so bad. I know I crack lots of "gay jokes" and things like that because of your lack-of-having-a-girlfriend; but I know you're not gay. I just want you to remember that you don't have to be scared of women. I think I know why you are. Mom has never been that great of a female influence in your life, and she's been one of the only constant ones that you've had. Plus, that girl in highschool was fucking cruel to you, and I know it. I wanted to kick her ass all the way to Kingdomcum for hurting my brother. You just have to learn to forget about that. She was a cruel bitch. Not all women are like that Ian. Some girl is gonna meet you and find your sweet, shy, total nerdiness cute. I promise. You gotta through yourself out there a bit, because you're a really nice and really great guy; you just have to find the right girl. And, I promise it will happen.
PLUS: You have to. Because I want some neices and nephews in my life, and seeing as you're the only sibling I've got you have to be the one to give them to me! (Well, I suppose, your wife would technically be the one 'giving' them, but that's beside the point).
Just remember; don't be scared. Be bold, be proud, be You. I swear some girl will come along and fall in love with you. I'm just sure of it.

Anyways, I think I have rambled at you long enough. I love you BoyChild, and I think I've said everything I need to say soo...

Love you tons,
Your IttaBittySister.