The Heart Does Go On

I woke up in the morning and saw that Seto was up. He was busily typing away on his computer. It was 9am, and my back and neck were hurting from sleeping on a couch.

I remembered last night, and immediately expected Seto to be cold towards me. In a way, I had kind of rejected him. He hated putting his heart on the line, and to be rejected would be the ultimate insult to him. I’d seen him do things like that before, why would this time be any different?

However, when he heard me stir, he looked over and sent me a genuine smile.

“Sorry I left you, I was scared I would wake you so I decided to do some work.” He apologised.

“It’s okay.” I said, sitting up.

Why he apologizing to me over that?

“Did you want to do something today?” He asked me.

What? What? WHAT?! He rarely offered to do anything together while we were going out!

If he was trying to win me over, it wasn’t working. If it did work, he’d eventually go back to his old ways, and it’d be over again.

Speaking of that though, I had a long hard decision to make about Joey. It wasn’t even just about Seto anymore. It was the fact that I could be SO attracted to someone, even if it was just for a moment last night. If I truly loved Joey, I wouldn’t have felt so attracted to Seto last night.

“Um, I have some business to take care of today. But I’m happy to do something tomorrow?” I asked him.

“Sure. Would you like to be taken home now?” Seto smirked, knowing what I probably meant by ‘business to take care of’

“Sure.” I replied, chucking Seto’s trench coat back at him and packing up my bag.

We shared a comfortable silence as we went down the elevator, and waited outside for Seto’s limo driver to pick us up.

“How about I give you a buzz sometime tonight to organize tomorrow?” Seto asked.

“Okay.” I smiled, just as the limousine arrived.

***

I was nervously pacing around my room, not something I’d like to spend my Saturday afternoon doing.

I had to break up with Joey, I knew it. The way I was attracted to Seto last night…no girl in a relationship should have those feelings for anyone but their boyfriend. Not only was it showing I didn’t have the feelings I should for Joey, it wasn’t fair on him either.

After doing some straight thinking, I also realised how jaded I had been. I didn’t ‘fall’ for Joey again. I loved his company, and I loved him, as a person and a close friend I could show a little affection to, but that was it. Because I held so much respect for him, I got the feelings of having a crush on him, and regarding him as a close friend mixed up.

Because of these facts, I had to break up with him. I couldn’t be with a guy I wanted to be friends with, and he couldn’t be with a girl who doesn’t share the same feelings he did. It wasn’t fair on either of us.

But the problem was, how? I’d always thought the best way to break up with someone was to start an argument with them, and then in the haste of the moment break up with them. Therefore the feeling is more mutual, and you don’t look so bad for doing so. It’s a coward’s way of breaking up with someone, but it’s a step above a text message or email.

So I was racking my brains out, trying to think of arguments to start with him. I didn’t want it to be too serious, I wanted him to grieve over the break up, and then be a friend to me. If it was something too serious, we could never be friends again.

I snapped my fingers. Seto! Seto was the way of firing up Joey, and when he cools down he’ll realise that I wasn’t completely in the wrong! Woo.

I got the home phone, and dialed Joey’s number. I was going to go with the flow; this wasn’t something that could be scripted.

***

“Fine! If you feel that way, its over!” I shouted at Joey over the phone, after we were arguing about Seto.

“Fine! We’re better off as friends!” Joey said, and I held in a squeal.

“Fine.” I sighed, agreeing with him, and he immediately hung up.

I lay on my bed, and felt good for a while. But then I started feeling weird. It was a sort of guilt, mixed with a feeling of sorrow. I was sort of sad that Joey and I were over, and I knew it was for good this time. There was no way we would ever get back together. He was a good boyfriend, and I wished that I could be attracted to him like I was when I first got to Domino.

I sighed as I rolled over. I couldn’t shake this feeling. It sucked. I’m doomed if I do, and I’m doomed if I don’t when it came to Mr. Joseph Wheeler. I’m doomed if I were to stay with him, because I don’t return his feelings. But I’m doomed if I don’t, like I am now, because I wish I did return those feelings. Why can’t I feel the feelings?! It’s a simple process, I wish I could feel the feelings, but why don’t I actually feel them?
My head hurts.

I looked out my window and saw Joey’s car drive by. Feeling curious, I threw my messy/slightly oily hair into a ponytail, sprayed on some deodorant and put on some plain clothes before heading out.

I saw Joey a few doors down, sitting on the gutter looking down at the road.

I walked up to him loudly, but he didn’t look up. I scraped my feet against the concrete, but he still didn’t look up. I knew he had heard me.

“Hey.” I said to him.

“Hi.” He replied, but didn’t look up.

“So, I’m in a pretty bad position.” I informed him.

“You are?” He said sarcastically.

“I plotted the fight. I’m a bad person, I know. The truth is Joey, I don’t return the feelings you feel for me. I love you, but as a friend. As a close friend, but nothing more. But how are you meant to tell a person that? I thought a fight would be easier on both of us.” I sighed, confessing everything to him.

“How long have you known this?” Joey asked.

“Only since last night. I ended it as soon as I could. I didn’t lead you on.” I sighed, feeling really guilty.

“Thanks for telling me.” Joey said, looking like he was trying to smile the best he could.

I smiled back.

I wanted to tell him I wished I felt those feelings for him, because he makes a good boyfriend and we get on really well, but it was better left unsaid. They were the nicest words I could tell him, but the cruelest at the same time. They would dig the knife in deeper, and make him think the same thing I thought, if I wished I could feel those feelings, WHY don’t I?

“I’m going to go see Yuge.” Joey said, getting up.

I didn’t ask to go with him, because he didn’t offer for me to come. It was fairly obvious he needed to talk to his best friend about the situation.

“I guess asking if we can remain friends is out of the picture right now, we both need space and time to grieve and get over this. I wish we could be angry at each other, it’s a lot less empty than this void feeling we’re both feeling.” I said to Joey, just as we were about to part ways.

“You’re right. But Ella, remember this. I may be hurting today, but tomorrow, I’ll feel a little better. The day after that, I’ll feel a little better than that. Then one day, I won’t be hurting at all.” Joey said, as he walked off.

I slowly walked back into my house. Joey and I finally had closure, something we didn’t get when we broke up for the first time in that café. I still felt that sorrow that I wished I liked him, but it was only nagging me at the back of my head, and wasn’t eating me up inside.

I knew I had done the right thing of admitting to Joey my true feelings.