I'm Simply Leaving

Present time.
Shane's pov.
Someone's college party.

I laughed at his stupid joke and pulled him into me. Our lips crashed together in a drunken kiss. Around us the party music blared out of the huge speakers as equally drunk people danced and made out. Another couple bumped into us and we fell onto the couch, never breaking our sloppy kiss. Suddenly his hand was down my pants and around my erection.
I moaned and he squeezed harder. His hand moved faster and I was on the verge of coming. Suddenly there was too much blood in my head and my tattered heart felt like it was going to explode.

Frustrated, I threw the guy off me and went to my car. I just sat there for a few minutes, trying to calm down and then I started the engine. I was suddenly, completely sober and when I got back to my dorm, I actually studied for my test. I was too hyped up to sleep in any case.

This happens all the bloody time. In the last three months I've made out with just about every gay guy I could find and every time I try to have sex, it feels like I'm having a heart attack and an aneurism all in one. It's fucking frustrating! I want to have sex. I need to erase him from me! I can't take the hours that I'm sober or not stoned. It's unbearable to say the least.

When I start thinking about him, I can't breathe and it feels like someone's ripping the ground out from under my feet. After the hysterics have passed I get so angry. I still can't believe that he used me like that. He makes me fall in love with him, gets me to sleep with him and then there's "someone else"?????

What. The. Fuck.

The man is a dick. I hate what he did to me.

And yet, I can't seem to hate him.