Shut Those Legs Girl, It's Closing Time
05
I ran home in the darkness, my lungs expanding as much as they could to get the air I needed to live. I slowed down to a walk, my sobs raking my body as I tried to go on. My feet felt like cinder blocks underneath me, and I fell to my knees in exhaustion. I screamed at the top of my lungs in pain, knowing no one could hear me.
The sidewalk felt like home as I sat there on the curb, crying my eyes out over absolutely nothing. I knew I was being overdramatic, but my heart felt like it had broken into thousands of pieces. Sure, I'd seen Shayley with girls, ones he loved, or said he did. It never hurt this bad before. Why was this girl so much different? I saw that look in Shayley's eyes, the pure love and complete ecstasy he showed when he spoke about her. I knew she was different because that was the look in my eyes when I thought about him.
I made it home, thankful for how late it was. My father was asleep as I trudged my broken body to my room, locking the door behind me. I lay down on my bed, fully clothed, taking one last look at my phone. The last glimmer of hope I had was squashed when the screen came up empty. I sighed, feeling the need to cry again, but there weren't any tears left.
"I need to talk to you." I begged him, pleaded. "I know what happened yesterday was out of line and I'm sorry Shay, okay. I just really need to talk to you." I said to him, and I could hear his sigh. I hoped to God he wasn't with Jaten. The look on her face to know he was even speaking to me would send him in a flurry of emotion.
"Okay, Rayn, okay. Where do you want to meet?" he asked. I looked around my house as he waited for the answer, thankful my father wasn't home.
"Just come over." I said and hung up. I sat down on the couch in my living room, staring at the maroon carpet underneath my feet. My toenails were painted black, my pale feet looking even whiter with the contrasting dark. I sighed, my mind a mix of different things. I had called Shayley to tell him everything. I needed to. This couldn't go on any longer. The fighting with him on whether he needed to choose between me and Jaten. It wasn't like that, in the end. All I needed was something. Something from him, just to know he cared. Everything we had as friends dwindled in the time that he began dating Jaten, and I didn't know if it was his doing or hers. I wasn't going to play the blame game anymore. I just needed to let him know.
It was either now or never. I tried to formulate a plan of what to say as I waited for Shayley in my kitchen. The basic jest of it was that I was going to let him know I couldn't deal with this anymore, I didn't deserve to. As much as I loved him, a best friend didn't treat their friends like this, like they meant nothing to them. My heart ached with the thought of losing him, because that was what was happening today. In these next few moments, I knew I was going to lose my best friend.
"Rayn! Rayden! Rayn!" he yelled my name as soon as the door opened. I hopped off of the island in the kitchen and met him halfway between the rooms. "Rayn!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, running for me. His face was all smiles before he collided with me in a hug that sent the both of us tumbling to the ground. All I could do was laugh. He got off the ground before I did, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. I fell into him almost immediately, he was still laughing as I jumped away and took my hand out of his grip. He didn't act like he noticed. "So what did you need to talk to me about?" he asked, breathless from our fall. My heart was beating at a thousand beats per minute, and it wasn't because of the fall. I looked down, away from his eyes, immediately ashamed for calling him over. It was now or never, I had to keep telling myself that.
"Shayley, I--" I began, but his phone went off. He took the device out of his pocket, reading the screen.
"Sorry, I have to take this." He said to me, showing sympathetic eyes as he walked further into the living room, answering his call. "Jae, hi." He said her voice a caress on his tongue. "I know, I said I'll be back. Rayn wanted to talk." He paused. "I know Jae, okay, I know." He said sounding exasperated from the few words they exchanged. "I know. I love you." He said and waited for her response, and ended the call. I closed my eyes when he turned back around, knowing all too well I could do what I intended to do now. "So what's up?" he asked, like the call never happened.
"Shayley. Over these past few months, I've lost you." I began, keeping my eyes closed; only imagining the faces he was making. "We used to be inseparable; you could be there for me at any moment. Any breakdown I had, you were there. Through my mom and Jack and Olive dying, you were there." I said, inhaling at the sound of my fallen family's names on my tongue. "You used to be there when I had to deal with my dad. You were there when I needed someone to be there for me." I said and inhaled again. "What I'm trying to say is I've lost my best friend. I've lost you Shayley, to Jaten, and I can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with the false hope of you potentially coming back to be my friend, to potentially be the one who I cry on again. If I have to deal with my shit alone, I can, but I just need to know if I'm going to be alone or if you're going to be there for me." I said and opened my eyes. "You have to be able to split your time, endless as it is, between me and Jae, or I can't speak to you anymore." I said, staring Shayley right in the eyes. His eyes were emotionless, switching to numb. He looked down at his feet as I stared at him, and bit his lip ring. He was nervous.
"So you want me to pick between you and Jae?" he asked, still looking down. I closed my eyes again.
"No, I don't. You can be with Jaten; I just can't be on the backburner like you've been doing." I said and opened my eyes. He was looking back at me, pure indecision in his eyes.
"Rayden, you know I love her." He began and tears pricked in my eyes. I blinked them away, not wanting to show vulnerability. Not now. "You know I've never loved any girl like this." He said and my heart felt like razors were piercing and shredding it with his confirmation. "I'm sorry." He said at last and I just looked down, letting the tears fall from my eyes. I noticed him come over to me, and I put my hand up.
"Don't, just don't." I said and cleared my eyes. "So this is it? It's all Jaten now, is it?" I asked and he just looked away from me. I closed my eyes and my body shook with suppressed sobs. "Then leave, please." I said to him, my final wish. He did so, not coming to me, not saying anything, as he left my life.
The sidewalk felt like home as I sat there on the curb, crying my eyes out over absolutely nothing. I knew I was being overdramatic, but my heart felt like it had broken into thousands of pieces. Sure, I'd seen Shayley with girls, ones he loved, or said he did. It never hurt this bad before. Why was this girl so much different? I saw that look in Shayley's eyes, the pure love and complete ecstasy he showed when he spoke about her. I knew she was different because that was the look in my eyes when I thought about him.
I made it home, thankful for how late it was. My father was asleep as I trudged my broken body to my room, locking the door behind me. I lay down on my bed, fully clothed, taking one last look at my phone. The last glimmer of hope I had was squashed when the screen came up empty. I sighed, feeling the need to cry again, but there weren't any tears left.
"I need to talk to you." I begged him, pleaded. "I know what happened yesterday was out of line and I'm sorry Shay, okay. I just really need to talk to you." I said to him, and I could hear his sigh. I hoped to God he wasn't with Jaten. The look on her face to know he was even speaking to me would send him in a flurry of emotion.
"Okay, Rayn, okay. Where do you want to meet?" he asked. I looked around my house as he waited for the answer, thankful my father wasn't home.
"Just come over." I said and hung up. I sat down on the couch in my living room, staring at the maroon carpet underneath my feet. My toenails were painted black, my pale feet looking even whiter with the contrasting dark. I sighed, my mind a mix of different things. I had called Shayley to tell him everything. I needed to. This couldn't go on any longer. The fighting with him on whether he needed to choose between me and Jaten. It wasn't like that, in the end. All I needed was something. Something from him, just to know he cared. Everything we had as friends dwindled in the time that he began dating Jaten, and I didn't know if it was his doing or hers. I wasn't going to play the blame game anymore. I just needed to let him know.
It was either now or never. I tried to formulate a plan of what to say as I waited for Shayley in my kitchen. The basic jest of it was that I was going to let him know I couldn't deal with this anymore, I didn't deserve to. As much as I loved him, a best friend didn't treat their friends like this, like they meant nothing to them. My heart ached with the thought of losing him, because that was what was happening today. In these next few moments, I knew I was going to lose my best friend.
"Rayn! Rayden! Rayn!" he yelled my name as soon as the door opened. I hopped off of the island in the kitchen and met him halfway between the rooms. "Rayn!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, running for me. His face was all smiles before he collided with me in a hug that sent the both of us tumbling to the ground. All I could do was laugh. He got off the ground before I did, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. I fell into him almost immediately, he was still laughing as I jumped away and took my hand out of his grip. He didn't act like he noticed. "So what did you need to talk to me about?" he asked, breathless from our fall. My heart was beating at a thousand beats per minute, and it wasn't because of the fall. I looked down, away from his eyes, immediately ashamed for calling him over. It was now or never, I had to keep telling myself that.
"Shayley, I--" I began, but his phone went off. He took the device out of his pocket, reading the screen.
"Sorry, I have to take this." He said to me, showing sympathetic eyes as he walked further into the living room, answering his call. "Jae, hi." He said her voice a caress on his tongue. "I know, I said I'll be back. Rayn wanted to talk." He paused. "I know Jae, okay, I know." He said sounding exasperated from the few words they exchanged. "I know. I love you." He said and waited for her response, and ended the call. I closed my eyes when he turned back around, knowing all too well I could do what I intended to do now. "So what's up?" he asked, like the call never happened.
"Shayley. Over these past few months, I've lost you." I began, keeping my eyes closed; only imagining the faces he was making. "We used to be inseparable; you could be there for me at any moment. Any breakdown I had, you were there. Through my mom and Jack and Olive dying, you were there." I said, inhaling at the sound of my fallen family's names on my tongue. "You used to be there when I had to deal with my dad. You were there when I needed someone to be there for me." I said and inhaled again. "What I'm trying to say is I've lost my best friend. I've lost you Shayley, to Jaten, and I can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with the false hope of you potentially coming back to be my friend, to potentially be the one who I cry on again. If I have to deal with my shit alone, I can, but I just need to know if I'm going to be alone or if you're going to be there for me." I said and opened my eyes. "You have to be able to split your time, endless as it is, between me and Jae, or I can't speak to you anymore." I said, staring Shayley right in the eyes. His eyes were emotionless, switching to numb. He looked down at his feet as I stared at him, and bit his lip ring. He was nervous.
"So you want me to pick between you and Jae?" he asked, still looking down. I closed my eyes again.
"No, I don't. You can be with Jaten; I just can't be on the backburner like you've been doing." I said and opened my eyes. He was looking back at me, pure indecision in his eyes.
"Rayden, you know I love her." He began and tears pricked in my eyes. I blinked them away, not wanting to show vulnerability. Not now. "You know I've never loved any girl like this." He said and my heart felt like razors were piercing and shredding it with his confirmation. "I'm sorry." He said at last and I just looked down, letting the tears fall from my eyes. I noticed him come over to me, and I put my hand up.
"Don't, just don't." I said and cleared my eyes. "So this is it? It's all Jaten now, is it?" I asked and he just looked away from me. I closed my eyes and my body shook with suppressed sobs. "Then leave, please." I said to him, my final wish. He did so, not coming to me, not saying anything, as he left my life.
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Sadness to the max.Sorry.