The stages of falling

“I thought you were a conniving, but she deserves a medal” I handed her to oli carelessly. He stood in awe.

“wha’?” his British accent thick with sleep.

“She’s drunk, meaning she’s not pregnant, meaning you blew me off for her, and I was willing to give you another chance”

His mouth dropped and he quickly ran into the house to drop her on the couch.

“Nic wait” he said running after me, hopping on one leg and slipping his vans on “I’m sorry”

“I forgive you” I said sarcastically “Oli, I obviously mean nothing to you, just stop wasting my time” my eyes rimmed and the tears creped their way down my face. I got into the car and slammed the door in his face.

I tried to start my car but the engine refused to catch and I got out of it, locked it and started walking home, it was a fair walk. But I would rather hike than let him drive me home.
Walking away from his house my breath was heavy and I heaved as I cried, his footsteps were loud behind me.

“NIC PLEASE” he shouted.

I stopped and turned to him, I didn’t say a word I just stood there and looked into his tired eyes. Just as he was about to say something, SJ came running out towards him, she seemed to finally have grasped the situation.

“Don’t believe her” she ordered.

Oli turned around and shook his head “Go inside SJ, I’ll take you home later”
She snapped around and walked hastily inside.

“Oli, I just need you to understand what you did. You made me fall for you, and I did, I fucking trusted you. And without any fucking effort you yanked it all from underneath me. Fuck you”
He was quiet.

“And most of all, fuck you for making me want you to kiss me now” my voice was tight.
Is this what I was reduced to? Standing in the middle of the street, with someone I was completely in love with, trying to win him back, but at the same time telling him to get out of my life.

“Nic, if you think you mean nothing to me, then your mistaken” something about the way he spoke was more mature than it was a few days ago.

“Really? If I mean so fucking much to you, then why do you pull this shit on me all the time?” My voice was sharp as a dagger, but at the same time full of angst.

“I don’t know” he’d run out of answers, he stood looking down at his feet and rubbing his arm. He was in a plain white V-neck, clearly freezing his ass off, and something about his vulnerability made me feel sorry for him.

“Then I have nothing more to say to you” I started walking away from him, and the rain started to fall.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I yelled at the sky. I continued mumbling and cussing as I walked.

Before I turned off of the street, Oli grabbed my arm and turned me around. He looked at me with that look. Sadness and self-angst all rolled in one. The pain he showed me rimmed in his dark green eyes and his grasp around my arm loosened.

“At least let me jump start your car” he offered, the water dripping from the ends of his hair onto his face, running slowly down his jaw and onto those lips.

I didn’t say anything; I just started walking back to his house. He opened the garage and hooked up the cars with the battery wires. He tried a few times, but was unsuccessful. Instead we just stood there, in his garage, at a complete loss for words. The charged atmosphere was hard to miss; you could just feel the tension in the air.

“Nic, can I tell you something?” Oli asked wearily.

“Whatever” I answered quietly.

“Remember that story about Brandon committing suicide?”

“Yeah” my voice was quiet.

“He didn’t commit suicide, he didn’t even try”

“Great for him” I didn’t really get the relevance.

“Well, remember how I said I found Brandon under a bridge?”

I just nodded in response.

“That was me, I was the one who tried to kill myself, and my brother found me under a bridge barely breathing”

I didn’t reply.

“I did it right after we broke up. If that’s the proof you need, there it is” his voice was cold and solemn.

Silence and I finally broke it.

“Yesterday wasn’t the first time I was put in hospital for an overdose”

He quickly understood what I meant by that.

“You know what this means right?” he started.

“What?”

“We would die without each other”

As much as I wanted this statement to be true, it just wasn’t. Not for anyone.

“No” I corrected “We thought we would. And we both believed it for the first few months of being apart. But I realized I can live without you oli” I said the last part under my breath.

“So where does this leave us?” he finally turned to me fully, forcing me to do the same.
His shirt was soaked and clung to his chest, the water running down his skin traced his tattoos, his hair was tangled and wet. As I looked at him my fringe fell into my eyes, I pulled my hair up and twisted it into a bun. When he saw this half smiled.

I finally answered.

“I guess it leaves us as friends”

He rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Is it wrong for a friend to want to kiss another friend?”

I was quiet, because to tell the truth, I wanted that more than anything.

“You have no Idea how much that hurts” he finally said.

This is where I finally gave up restraining myself. I crept closer to him and grasped his shirt in my hands, pulling him close to my face. We didn’t kiss, we just looked at each other, eyes locked and lips barely touching. His hot breath, my hot breath. I moved my hand down his torso and slipped it underneath his shirt. He slipped his hand onto the small of my back and under my shirt.

Our lips finally met cold from the rain but our cheeks hot from the rush. He parted my lips and I could taste that sweet Oli taste. He pulled back abruptly, pulling his hands away from me. After a while he finally returned them to my face, cupping my cheeks.

“I just wish you knew what you did to me” he whispered, I closed my eyes. He kissed the corner of my lips and dropped his hands from my face.

“I’ll drive you home” he offered, I just nodded. My breath was still shallow from the kiss.
The drive consisted of music at a volume too loud, to hold a conversation. The music wasn’t olis usual choice; it was calm, and even sad. The song was almost painful to listen to. The acoustic chords struck a tear in me. I blinked them away and looked out the window, balling my fists up.

He stopped the car in front of my house. He turned to me.

“Stop crying nic, It hurts to see you cry” he unbaled my fists and weaved his fingers in mine.
I wanted his touch, but I kept thinking, what if he did something to hurt me again? I pulled my hand from his.

“Oli, I know you’re broken, but if you wait around someone else might be there to put everything back together for you”

I opened the door and got out of the car, the door slammed and I stopped, I turned and waved goodbye to him, with a half-smile. He rolled down the window.

“Wait nic” he stopped me. He got out of the car and ran over towards me
He was breathless “What if I need you to be that person? Just please put this shit back together for me”

I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Fuck this” I mumbled to myself. I turned to him and reconnected his lips with mine. His hands were on my waist, and my hands hooked around his neck. I moved with him and he led me into this haze. When our lips finally separated, we knew this was the one last chance we were gonna give this relationship.

I heard a cough and I turned to find Oliver standing in front of my door rubbing his neck. I could see how uncomfortable he was, I parted with Oli.

Right before he left I grabbed his hand and pulled his ear to my lips “Tonight, 7, pick me up here” he smirked and left without another word.

I approached Oliver “Sorry about that” I too started rubbing my neck, in this awkward situation.

“Whatever” he sounded disappointed.

“I was just stopping by to say sorry for leaving last night, but I see everything is sorted out” the words came out fast and he turned to leave.

“Oliver, wait” I stopped him in his tracks “What’s wrong?”

“I just thought maybe you would finally give up on Oli. But I guess you like being hurt” his sadistic and sarcastic voice made me wince.

“Oliver, I don’t know how this concerns you” my eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Nic, I like you” he put his hands on my shoulders “and I just wish you would stop being so naïve”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I shook his hands from my shoulders.

“Your trust in people is only gonna hurt you” he shook his head.

“You don’t know half the story, Oliver” I warned.

“uhh, im pretty sure I do. Remember that day, on the swings, the first time we went out”
I was silent.

“From what you told me, oli’s a bad guy, and I just hope he doesn’t hurt you too much this time, cause I’m not gonna be here to turn to” he left without another word.