The stages of falling

“No I didn’t, I said I loved you, I don’t love you anymore” this lie hurt so badly, I bunched my fists up into balls digging my nails into the palm of my hand.

“Well I think you do the thing you’re doing with your fists, that’s stopping you from crying. You used to do it all the time when I told you I cheated on you”

I was silent; I never used to think he observed me that well.

“I know you nic, and I don’t know how you forgave me all those times, but I want you to have an explanation”

“No oli” I turned away.

“Why not?” he grabbed my wrist and turned me to face him.

“Because, then I’ll want to love you. And I can’t have you in my life anymore if all you want to do is hurt me”

This hurt him, his face was wounded and he placed his hands in his pockets. He looked up at me with that same look, but this time I couldn’t look away, I couldn’t believe it was all an act.

“If you think that’s why I did what I did then I’m so sorry, but nic…I can’t explain how I feel towards you” his voice trailed off, as if ashamed.

“Oli, i can’t ever be fucking mad at you” I rolled my eyes.

“Let me explain okay?”

I huffed and crossed my arms and waited for his explanation.

“I was depressed, because… something happened, and I guess I turned to alcohol and that just made me act differently. I thought telling you I cheated on you would make you break up with me so I didn’t hurt you anymore. But you just kept forgiving me. I didn’t understand why” his voice grew dark.

“Can I ask? What a happened?” my voice was small, I was afraid I crossed the line.

“My friend, he-“ he stopped, breathing heavily and rubbing his hands together, he shook his head and it became so clear he didn’t have the emotional capacity to face this and overcome it.

I sat by him and put my hand on his knee the way a friend would comfort a friend.
“Why are you doing this?” he angrily stood up to pace my room.

“Making it difficult as usual” I said quietly. “Look oli, you can talk about it, trust me I’m an expert in pain, I know what it feels like to want to end your life”

His eyes glazed over as he just stood looking at me, his eyes shifted towards the door and then back at me, he finally gave up and sat on my bed, hands made into fists. He sighed heavily and let his head fall into his hands.

“You need to talk about it; you need to tell me what happened”

Once his voice was steady he told me the best he could.

“My best friend, he had so much going wrong in his life. His parents divorced and kicked him out when he was 15, he never had proper family, and I was like his brother. His band never made it and they left him because he was so drugged up all the time, he turned to drugs. I turned him straight. Then when he first met you, he knew he loved you, and he lived just to know you. And I had no idea. So when I told him I was dating you, he disappeared for days. I found him under the park bridge bleeding to death from the cuts he put up his arm”

“Brandon?” I looked down remembering his childhood best friend. Brandon and he were almost as inseparable as Oli and I were.

He nodded and rubbed his temples. I could feel the tension he was emitting and it was making me uneasy. I tried to put my hand on his, he jerked away but then allowed me to place it in his.

We then lay side by side on my bed staring at my white ceiling, like it had all the answers or something. After a while of just lying there, oli was the first to move closer. Our shoulders bumped just slightly and our arms brushed softly. It was like we were back to the start.
I felt his hand clasp onto mine; I removed it and placed it back in his lap. I then turned to face him.

“Sleep” I ordered him.

He obeyed this but moved closer to me. My heart pounded loudly as I tried to place his thoughts. His face was unreadable. I opened my mouth to say something but he stopped me.

“Thank you”

I smiled and reached out to softly grip his hand.

His sigh made me take my hand back.

“No, no” he grabbed my hand again “Don’t let go, not yet” I nodded

We just lay and watched each other’s eyes slowly drop into sleep. We fell asleep like that, which explained the loud shouting when I woke up.

“NIC” Lee was standing in my doorway glaring at Oli.

I jolted up right and quickly jumped over oli and stood in-between him and lee.

“Lee” I warned, he just sighed, I knew he would never again agree with oli and I, big brothers instincts.

I pulled lee out leaving oli sitting on my bed. I explained everything to lee. He seemed convinced, but that didn’t mean he would go in there and hug the guy. He simply walked out of the house saying he was going to Aarons house.

I stepped into my room again wearing an apologetic face.

Oli just sat quietly and twiddling his thumbs and shifting his view form me to his hands.
I signalled for him to follow me down the stairs, but he didn’t move even when I got up.

“I still wanna try something” he stood up and stepped closer to me, it just felt like we were 16 again, starting this relationship from the beginning. A smile crept across my lips.

He closed the door behind me and then leaned me up against it. Putting his hands on either side of my head, he kissed me so softly I couldn’t control myself. I brought on a flooding pool of memories. His soft lips ran from my lips to my neck, he then pulled himself away, to watch me take deep breaths. He placed a small kiss on my top lip, then my bottom and one final one on my cheek.

He smiled and I smirked, pulling him by the shirt close against my body. Hip to hip, I could feel his hands gripping my waist and mine tangled into his hair. Before either of us knew it, his shirt was off and so was mine. I was sure this meant something to him, but I was still sure he had a girlfriend. Before I could let this go any further, I stopped him, and he hovered his body over mine.

“Oli?”

“mmhhmm?”

“What about that girl at that party?”

He lay down beside me “If you must know, I broke up with her”

“When?”

“That night”

“Why?”

“Because I saw you” he simply explained.

Silence. I really didn’t know what to do with this new oli.

I stood up slipping my shirt back on he smiled and walked over to me, pulling it off while still having my lips connected to his. I smiled, typical Oli. I shook my head and slipped my shirt back on.

“Come on stud” he put his shirt on and tightly gripped onto my hand, like he would lose me if he were to let go.