Status: not active. soz.
When You're Strange
The Thief.
"Oh my god," Patrick gasped.
"Alright now what I want you all to do, is get down on the floor and don't fucking move. Don't move a fucking muscle, don't breath, don't think, don't fart, don't do anything!" he shouted, while still pointing the gun at us.
All 5 of us got down on the floor in a push up position. The ground was wet and dirty, and even though we were held at gunpoint, that didn't stop Patrick from whining like a little bitch.
"Excuse me sir, yea um, I can't get this t-shirt dirty. It's a really valuable shirt, I got it when I went to see John Mayer in concert last summer, it really means a lot to me."
"What the fuck, I don't give a shit if it's a Clay Aiken shirt or anything, now get the fuck down, and shut up fat man!"
With tears now rolling down his cheeks, he did as he was told and sat down. The thief was searching our pockets while still pointing the gun at us. To be honest, it's my first day in Detroit and I always heard how dangerous this city is, but I never really believed them. Well, now I do.
"I'm gonna take you bitches hostage. Okay, okay now gimme your watch," the thief told Frank.
"Oh fuck no, I may be scared of you cause your carrying a gun, but if you weren't I would've beaten the shit out of you already," Frank argued, while standing up in front of him.
What a magical view, a 6 ft. tall man and a 4'11 troll next to each other.
"Okay Danny DeVito, watcha gonna do about it, huh?"
Frank looked upset at being called Danny DeVito, I heard he hated being called that even though he does kinda look like him. He reminds me when he was that penguin in Batman. Frank just looked at his watch which was worth only $50 but he treated it like it was a fucking Rolex. He was about to take it off, when he quickly punched the thief right in the balls and ran for it. The thief immediately fell to the ground and started crying, I guess this was our turn to run. We quickly stood up and ran for our lives, right behind Frank and stopped when we finally arrived home. We all sat down on the pavement outside the apartments, to catch our breath and to think what just happened to us. It happened so fast, but we still couldn't believe it happened. And we just had to thank Frank, or else there was a huge possibility we could've of gotten ass raped by him.
"Jesus Frank, I couldn't thank you enough for what you just did back there. That was a really brave thing for you to do man. We owe you one" I told him.
"God damn right you owe me, I almost got shot for a damn watch."
The next morning we were watching the news when we saw a reporter interviewing the thief from last night. He identified himself as the victim of getting beat up by a gang of gay midgets. We didn't really care, we were just glad we were safe.
"So what are we doing today?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well it's Sunday, I don't have anything else to do, what are you guys doing?"
"Well I have to go to the mall to buy some underwear cause I'm all out and the ones from last night are pretty much permanently stained," Patrick said.
We all looked at him with disgusted expressions on our faces.
"I was fucking scared and I shit myself okay! I'm sorry!" he shouted.
On our way to the mall, I tried to ignore the fact that Patrick wasn't wearing any underwear and that you could see his whole package because he was wearing tight purple spandex.
"Why the fuck would you ever wear that to the mall, or anywhere?" I asked him.
"They make my ass look nice and it's very comfortable."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if he's gay. He talks like a gay man, acts, dresses, and somehow Charlie's the gay one. We got to the mall, where Patrick bought 5 packs of boxers and 2 thongs. While waiting in line, a man in a wheelchair cut in front of us, and got his stuff for free. All because he was crippled and people felt bad for him.
"What the fuck was that about?"
"Maybe it's a Make a Wish thing."
"No he's crippled, he' not dying, what the hell makes him so special that he can get free man thong and I can't," Patrick cried.
"You know what guys, I have an idea," Jimmy said.
"What now?"
"Let's pretend that Frank here, is a very sick kid cause you gotta admit he's the exact size of a kid but he looks a bit older."
"No shit you ass, I'm 43 years-old, I don't think anyone's stupid enough to believe I'm a fucking kid."
"Well use you're imagination, now here we go, were almost next. Pretend like your very sick and tell them you threw up blood last night."
"Why the hell would he care?"
"Just so he could feel sad for you, and so he could give us Patrick's thongs for free," Jimmy explained.
Frank just rolled his eyes and said he'll stick with the plan. We were up next, Patrick placed his items on the counter and Frank started coughing roughly. The clerk just raised his eyebrow and stared at him.
"Um, are you okay? Do you need a napkin or anything?" the clerk asked him.
"Yea, actually I'm a very sick boy and my dad here doesn't really have any money. He used up all his money for my medicine, but somehow I don't really seem to recover," Frank said in a baby voice.
Oh Jesus Christ, we are so getting arrested.
"Oh my god are you for reals? Oh this is so heartbreaking, here, you can have your boxers and thongs for free sir. Your little boy's sickness just breaks my heart, and I really hope you get better," he told Frank.
He bagged the items and handed it to Patrick. Wow, either our plan was fucking genius or that guy is just fucking retarded. We all slowly left the store speechless, we were surprised and happy at the same time.
"Oh my god, I think I just found my new shopping buddy," Charlie smirked, while grabbing Frank's man boob.
"Get the hell off me, I'm no one's shopping buddy. You know what? I'm never doing this again, I felt like an idiot in there and it hurts my feelings to think that a grown man thinks I'm a fucking child. I've probably had more pussy than he had in his life!" Frank shouted.
"Whoa buddy calm down, at least Patrick got his thongs for free. And you know what, I'm pretty sure if we take you to a strip club and pretend you're a sick kid again, I'm positive those strippers are gonna be giving you free lap dances," I suggested.
Frank's face immediately lit up when I mentioned the word strippers.
"You know what? Never mind what I said, let's go to the strip club shall we?"
"Alright now what I want you all to do, is get down on the floor and don't fucking move. Don't move a fucking muscle, don't breath, don't think, don't fart, don't do anything!" he shouted, while still pointing the gun at us.
All 5 of us got down on the floor in a push up position. The ground was wet and dirty, and even though we were held at gunpoint, that didn't stop Patrick from whining like a little bitch.
"Excuse me sir, yea um, I can't get this t-shirt dirty. It's a really valuable shirt, I got it when I went to see John Mayer in concert last summer, it really means a lot to me."
"What the fuck, I don't give a shit if it's a Clay Aiken shirt or anything, now get the fuck down, and shut up fat man!"
With tears now rolling down his cheeks, he did as he was told and sat down. The thief was searching our pockets while still pointing the gun at us. To be honest, it's my first day in Detroit and I always heard how dangerous this city is, but I never really believed them. Well, now I do.
"I'm gonna take you bitches hostage. Okay, okay now gimme your watch," the thief told Frank.
"Oh fuck no, I may be scared of you cause your carrying a gun, but if you weren't I would've beaten the shit out of you already," Frank argued, while standing up in front of him.
What a magical view, a 6 ft. tall man and a 4'11 troll next to each other.
"Okay Danny DeVito, watcha gonna do about it, huh?"
Frank looked upset at being called Danny DeVito, I heard he hated being called that even though he does kinda look like him. He reminds me when he was that penguin in Batman. Frank just looked at his watch which was worth only $50 but he treated it like it was a fucking Rolex. He was about to take it off, when he quickly punched the thief right in the balls and ran for it. The thief immediately fell to the ground and started crying, I guess this was our turn to run. We quickly stood up and ran for our lives, right behind Frank and stopped when we finally arrived home. We all sat down on the pavement outside the apartments, to catch our breath and to think what just happened to us. It happened so fast, but we still couldn't believe it happened. And we just had to thank Frank, or else there was a huge possibility we could've of gotten ass raped by him.
"Jesus Frank, I couldn't thank you enough for what you just did back there. That was a really brave thing for you to do man. We owe you one" I told him.
"God damn right you owe me, I almost got shot for a damn watch."
The next morning we were watching the news when we saw a reporter interviewing the thief from last night. He identified himself as the victim of getting beat up by a gang of gay midgets. We didn't really care, we were just glad we were safe.
"So what are we doing today?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well it's Sunday, I don't have anything else to do, what are you guys doing?"
"Well I have to go to the mall to buy some underwear cause I'm all out and the ones from last night are pretty much permanently stained," Patrick said.
We all looked at him with disgusted expressions on our faces.
"I was fucking scared and I shit myself okay! I'm sorry!" he shouted.
On our way to the mall, I tried to ignore the fact that Patrick wasn't wearing any underwear and that you could see his whole package because he was wearing tight purple spandex.
"Why the fuck would you ever wear that to the mall, or anywhere?" I asked him.
"They make my ass look nice and it's very comfortable."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if he's gay. He talks like a gay man, acts, dresses, and somehow Charlie's the gay one. We got to the mall, where Patrick bought 5 packs of boxers and 2 thongs. While waiting in line, a man in a wheelchair cut in front of us, and got his stuff for free. All because he was crippled and people felt bad for him.
"What the fuck was that about?"
"Maybe it's a Make a Wish thing."
"No he's crippled, he' not dying, what the hell makes him so special that he can get free man thong and I can't," Patrick cried.
"You know what guys, I have an idea," Jimmy said.
"What now?"
"Let's pretend that Frank here, is a very sick kid cause you gotta admit he's the exact size of a kid but he looks a bit older."
"No shit you ass, I'm 43 years-old, I don't think anyone's stupid enough to believe I'm a fucking kid."
"Well use you're imagination, now here we go, were almost next. Pretend like your very sick and tell them you threw up blood last night."
"Why the hell would he care?"
"Just so he could feel sad for you, and so he could give us Patrick's thongs for free," Jimmy explained.
Frank just rolled his eyes and said he'll stick with the plan. We were up next, Patrick placed his items on the counter and Frank started coughing roughly. The clerk just raised his eyebrow and stared at him.
"Um, are you okay? Do you need a napkin or anything?" the clerk asked him.
"Yea, actually I'm a very sick boy and my dad here doesn't really have any money. He used up all his money for my medicine, but somehow I don't really seem to recover," Frank said in a baby voice.
Oh Jesus Christ, we are so getting arrested.
"Oh my god are you for reals? Oh this is so heartbreaking, here, you can have your boxers and thongs for free sir. Your little boy's sickness just breaks my heart, and I really hope you get better," he told Frank.
He bagged the items and handed it to Patrick. Wow, either our plan was fucking genius or that guy is just fucking retarded. We all slowly left the store speechless, we were surprised and happy at the same time.
"Oh my god, I think I just found my new shopping buddy," Charlie smirked, while grabbing Frank's man boob.
"Get the hell off me, I'm no one's shopping buddy. You know what? I'm never doing this again, I felt like an idiot in there and it hurts my feelings to think that a grown man thinks I'm a fucking child. I've probably had more pussy than he had in his life!" Frank shouted.
"Whoa buddy calm down, at least Patrick got his thongs for free. And you know what, I'm pretty sure if we take you to a strip club and pretend you're a sick kid again, I'm positive those strippers are gonna be giving you free lap dances," I suggested.
Frank's face immediately lit up when I mentioned the word strippers.
"You know what? Never mind what I said, let's go to the strip club shall we?"