A Cherry Sunset

Things seemed to settle after my day with Alex. He calmed my nerves for the most part and throwing myself back into the busy ways of tour helped to make me forget my worries too. I could joke with the boys and tease Alan as we worked all day long, but when it came to the nights I was just screwed.

This was one of those nights. I was squished in my bunk with the curtain drawn even though it was completely dark in the whole bus. Everyone else was sleeping, some louder than others. I put my earphones in to cover up the snoring coming from above me.

I ended up sifting through photos as Oliver’s screaming played in my ears softly. Of course most of the pictures I ended up shifting through were of Oliver or Oliver and me. It didn’t take long before the tears started trickling down my cheeks. The pain in my chest just kept getting worse as I stared at his face.

No amount of phone calls or texts or skype sessions could help. I closed the laptop once I’d reached my limit. The tears were just pouring as I curled on my side and attempted to sniffle as quietly as possible. My chest heaved and ached.

I wiped at my eyes again and when I opened them this time, I found my curtain was pulled to the side. Alan stood with the bathroom light glowing on him. His eyes were squinted and his mouth was in a deep frown. My own eyes widened as I quickly took my earphones out, sitting up slightly.

“I, I, I’m s-s-sorry.” I stuttered on my words and tried to get my breathing to a somewhat normal pace.

“Emily.” Alan held his hand out, keeping that awful frown on his face. I slowly gave him my hand and he pulled me from my bunk. I followed behind him as he continued to the back of the bus. He shut the bathroom light off on our way, making it completely dark again.

“I – I didn’t mean to w – wake you.” I whispered to him as he finally plopped down onto the back couch, bringing me along with him.

“Come here, Em.” He softly called and situated us so that I was sitting in his lap, my head against his chest. “You just need to calm down. Then we’ll talk.”

I shook my head weakly. I didn’t want to talk about how much it hurt.

“It’s okay, Emily. Just let it all out.” He rubbed my back and the tears started again. The sobs wracked through my body. I tried to keep it quiet so as not to wake anyone else. Really, I just muffled all my cries into Alan’s shirt. It felt like hours later when I finally calmed down.

I wiped at my nose and eyes repeatedly. “Thank you for being so patient with me.” I hiccupped as I slightly pulled away from him.

“It’s nothing, Emily. We’re friends. Good friends.” He continued to gently rub my back and arms to help keep me calm. “Do you want to talk about why you started this in the first place?”

My eyes immediately teared up all over. “No.” I choked out and sniffled. Alan sighed.

“It helps to get it out, Em.” He encouraged me but I shook my head. I just couldn’t let it out. It would hurt even more if I admitted all the awful things consuming my mind and heart. “I guess we could talk about something else then, since we’re both awake.”

I glanced at him and swallowed hard. “Talk about what?”

“I could tell you about my long distance relationship. How it went. How it hurt.” He gave me a peculiar look. “How it ended. It might not make you feel so alone.” He shrugged and then waited. I kept quiet. “What do you say, Em?”

I exhaled and leaned my head against his shoulder. “I guess listening to you can’t hurt, right?”

He wrapped an arm around me comfortingly. It was almost funny how familiar he had become within such a short time and how relaxed I had become with him. It was strange as well, but nice. “Right.” He confirmed and then cleared his throat. “Her name was Infinity, to begin with.”

“Infinity?” I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. It was too odd of a name not to say anything. He chuckled too.

“Yeah. She legally changed it when she turned eighteen, though everyone just called her Fin.”

“That’s kind of a boyish name.”

“She was kind of a tomboy so I suppose it fit.”

“You dated a tomboy?”

“Shush.” He rolled his eyes and then smiled a little. “Fin was from Arizona. She came to visit Orlando, just for the thrill of things. She stayed for about three months, just enough to have me fall for all her quirky ways.”

“So she was a nerdy tomboy?”

Alan continued as if he hadn’t even heard me, making me smile just a bit more. “When she went back to Arizona, we were still a couple. I promised to call and she promised to miss me. And it lasted like that for another good four or five months.” He glanced at me. “I know what it’s like to miss something so much, it almost feels like there’s pieces of yourself that are gone.”

I fiddled with my shirt, not meeting his eyes. Missing Oliver felt like a giant hole in my chest.

“Fin wasn’t the best girl to fall in love with either. She stopped answering my calls and then my texts, which drove me even crazier. She just stopped caring about me while I desperately fawned over her from miles away.”

“This is not very encouraging.” I mumbled and frowned, the ache in my chest getting worse as I imagined Oliver just moving on without me.

“It’s not meant to be encouraging, Em. Sometimes long distance doesn’t work out. I know you love Oliver, and I’m pretty damn sure he’s in love with you too, but sometimes it is too hard. And sometimes you’ve just got to let it all out, like this.” He wiggled his arms around me but I scrunched my eyebrows together, uncertain about what exactly he was pertaining to. “The crying, Emily. I was talking about the crying.”

“Oh.” I sniffled again. “I didn’t mean to lose control like that.”

“But you should.” He interrupted me. “If you just keep it in, you’ll start to resent the way you feel. You’ll start to think it’s not worth it or that it’s unhealthy.”

I kept quiet as I rolled his words over and over. They made sense. I hoped to God they didn’t come true, but they were logical all the same. “So you think I’ll end up hating Oliver and then just stop talking to him?”

He laughed. “That is twisting my words in a way I’ve never even seen it done.”

“But that’s what you said!” I protested and sat up as he shook his head.

“I was telling you how things could happen. Thing is, you have to let them get that way. If you keep trying to hold all the hurt and lonliness you’re feeling inside, it’s not going to be good, Em. You’ve got to let it out. Talk to Oliver or Alex or one of the guys here. Anyone. Don’t try to bottle up how much you miss him, okay?”

“It’s hard to talk about.”

“But it’s harder to keep it in, right?”

I bit my bottom lip. Talking to Alex had helped me feel a bit better.

“Listen, I just wanted to let you know that I have been where you are and I know how you’re feeling right now. I think it’s better if you talk it out, and I want you to know that I’m here if you ever need to. Simple as that, kay?”

I nodded and ran my hands through my hair, trying to compose myself. “Thanks a lot, Alan.”

He gave me a crooked grin. “It’s the least I can do.”