The Punchline to the Joke Is Asking

I gasped, bolting upright, my eyes wide but unseeing.
As the room slowly faded in, I heard a faint beat in the background… but it wasn’t music, not even a drum. It was more… electronic.
Beep.
Oh, that was it.
Steady.
Beep.
Where was I?
Beep.
Monitors, white walls.
Beep.
Dark, empty room.
Beep.
On a cot, wearing a paper gown.
Beep.
Hospital.
Beep, beep.
It’s okay, I’m fine.
Beep.
But where was Jimmy?
Beep, beep.
Where was Trey,their our mom?
Beep, beep.
Why was I alone?
Beep, beep.

When my eyes fluttered open the next morning, sunlight falling on my face, I smiled at the warmth, then opened my eyes to greet the day.
Beep.
Not my room.
Beep, beep.
White.
Beep, beep.
Where was Trey? Jimmy?
Beep, beep.
White.
Beep, beep.
If I was okay to leave alone…
Beep, beep.
…How bad was Jimmy?
Beep, beep, beep.

“Miss Steelle?”
Beep, beep.
“No, not Steelle. Cyn.”
Beep, beep.
“Do you remember what happened two days ago?” She seemed nice, even in her immaculate white coat.
I didn’t trust her.
Beep, beep.
“We crashed. Somebody hit us. Where’s Jimmy?”
Beep, beep.
“That’s right, someone ran a red light. You have a minor concussion, and some scrapes and bruises. Very lucky.”
Beep, beep.
“Where’s Jimmy? Trey? Mom?”
Beep, beep.
“Your family is filling out paperwork, they’ll be in to see you shortly.” She was evading.
Beep, beep, beep.
“Where’s Jimmy?”
Beep, beep, beep.
“In a separate ward.”
Beep, beep, beep.
“What happened, he okay?” My questions jumbled together.
Beep, beep, beep.
“He’s… not in pain.”
I knew what that meant.
BeepBeepBeepBeep…

I shuffled into the room, shell-shocked and scared.
“Mom.”
There she was, her head bowed and eyes closed as she clutched at the pale, clammy hand on the crisp, white sheets.
Tears running down her face.
“My baby, my James, my Jimmy…” She mumbled, over and over. “My baby…”
Trey’s face was, for once, nothing like his twin’s. Where one was relaxed, peaceful, even; the other was twisted in agony, bleeding salt to sting the fresh wounds.
Only one was in pain, and he hadn’t been in the crash.
“Mom?” I repeated, needing to held, reassured everything would be okay, and Jimmy would sit up on his bed and announce it was his most elaborate joke yet….
But I went unheard.

-X-

The funeral slid past like a cloud’s shadow sliding across a soccer field; lingering and gloomy, but somehow over much too quickly, letting the usual, blinding sunlight back through.
I didn’t speak at the memorial, I just stood, eyes glazed, and let everyone talk at me. I heard stories about Jimmy and all his friends, his escapades at school, things I’d never known about my brother.
Things I should’ve asked.

Suddenly, the funeral was over, but we were thrown back into daily life; still trying to come to terms with what had just happened.
Still blinking after the solar eclipse.

Things changed, after Jimmy… was gone.

I bounced back, acting the same as always, and Trey tried not to show how it had affected him, but he’d lost his other half.
They’d been twins, and they’d had many years together that I hadn’t.
I hadn’t known my brother, and I don’t know if that made it harder, now that I never would.
But I carried on, building back up that wall of apathy I’d begun constructing long before I hit the streets; back when I was left with the Nazis.
The first time I was on my own.

-X-

Trey had shut me out completely, didn’t even acknowledge my existence anymore. If he did look at me, it was just with this dull, apathetic gaze that seemed to stretch right through me, extend off into whatever backdrop I had the gall to interrupt.
When I came across my mom, she noticed me.
“This is your fault! You took my baby away!”
I let the first glass slam into my head, knocking me back a step as a gash sheeted blood from somewhere above my left eye.
I ducked the second one, hearing it shatter on the wall behind me, and darted away, out of the kitchen and the sobbing woman standing next to the dishwasher.

Trey stumbled into the house, reeking of cigarettes and pot, and I flinched as he motioned me over, but complied. Since Mom had stumbled up to bed at 4, I’d been left to wait up for my big brother.
I let my head turn with the force of the blow, knowing it would be worse were he sober.
“That’sh fur killing… my brother.” Trey slurred, then staggered upstairs, locking himself in Jimmy’s room.
“I’m sorry.” The broken whispered was swallowed by the darkness as the lamp beside me, the last light on in the house, burnt out.

-X-

I was in the bathroom, looking atmyself the mirror, unsure of what I saw.
The girl there was paler, with sunken cheeks and dark-ringed eyes, though not for the sake of fashion. She’d chopped her mid-back-length hair into choppy layers, the longest of which barely brushed her shoulder, and hung forward to try to hide the hairline scar that slanted on a two-inch diagonal above her left eye.
Her wrists, too, bore fresh scars.
Studying the girl in the glass, I realized how thin she’d become- worse than ever before, even when she was barely eating enough to survive. She wore bruises like some women wore perfume; too much, too heavy, overpowering.
I met her dull blue eyes in the mirror, which had lost enough of everything that they seemed almost grey.
I realized she didn’t want this anymore.
Family.
I’d feel bad, if I didn’t say goodbye, but I didn’t want to make it personal- what if it guilted someone just enough? Besides, I’d lost touch withmy the boys almost completely after this year here, so I’m sure they hated me by now.
I hated me.
I decided the Internet could solve my dilemma.
I logged onto Facebook and changed my status from something I’d posted about missing everyone and mourning my brother, to one, simple word;
Goodbye.
Almost immediately, there was a comment;
Where u goin? Gabe wanted to know.
Before I could think of anything to say, or even consider just logging off, Pete responded for me.
Shes going to die.
He always knew.

-X-

I logged off after that, not answering. What could they do from Chicago, anyway?
They might make it to my funeral, if they left now.
With a sigh, I decided I wanted to try something new. I made a list;Hanging
Slit wrists
Swallow pills
Jump
Poison
Asphyxiation
Drowning
Shooting
Suffocation

There were a few good options. I’d heard drowning was the worst way to go, it was slow, and cold, and every instinct screamed at you to get out so you were pumped with adrenaline as everything went dark and the cold pressed down on you…. Not for me.
Poison? That was a pretty thought, and it could be painless, but where would I get any? I could always swallow something like bleach and ammonia, but that would scorch and burn its way down.
Shooting was actually harder than it sounded, because bone was pretty thick. If you didn’t have the right angle or location, you could just maim yourself. Then I wouldn’t get another try.
Asphyxiation would put me to sleep, and it would be peaceful, but I didn’t want to accidentally killmy family anyoneleft still in the house.
Which left me with suffocation. Easy, quiet, unnoticeable, maybe even until my body starts rotting. Trey and Mom wouldn’t notice I was gone.
How had such a wonderful family gone so wrong? We were perfect, for a while.
I circled my chosen method and went about expanding on it, deciding how, when, where. All the little things that would matter when they found me.