The Punchline to the Joke Is Asking

I was pacing, having slipped off on my own when the guys did their sound check.I was not okay. I was bipolar, and it was one of my bad days, when I was swinging so low everything dragged me down.
Farther down.
Rock bottom.
I couldn’t tell if I hit rock bottom of my emotional chasm, because of the numbness that came with the dull ache. If physical pain didn’t feel worse, then I’d know I was at rock bottom.
Let’s find out.
I started searching for a utility closet, thoughts of scissors, box cutters, ExactoKnives slicing through any lucid thoughts left in my mind, shredding my sanity to scarlet ribbons….
I froze where I stood, trembling. I didn’t want more pain, more scars. I wanted to smile. I wanted help.
Help.
I turned around and went back to the bus, ignoring the greetings I received and dropping onto the couch, curling up against The Rev and burying my face in his chest.
“You didn’t, did you?” He asked tensely, wrapping his arms around me.
“Almost.” I admitted, my mumbled confession muffled by his shirt.
“What’s wrong?” Matt demanded, concerned.
“She was thinking about suicide again.” Jimmy replied, which earned a stunned silence.
“…How many of those scars are self inflicted?” Syn sounded worried, too. They probably regretted taking on an unstable homeless kid, even temporarily.
I forced myself to sit up, away from Jimmy. I couldn’t lean on people forever, no matter how weak I pretended I wasn’t. No matter how tough I was, I had to look at the floor as I held out my bare arms, pale inside up and hands in loose fists. “All these.” I mumbled.
The scars on my arms ran from my wrists, where they were deepest and closest together, all the way up to my elbows, just pale, crisscrossing, raised lines.
“And these.” I touched one of the scars under my jaw.
Jimmy pulled me back into him, letting me be weak without appearing like it as he gently rubbed my shoulders and back.
“I never realized… how hard you must have it.” Matt said slowly. “I think I… glorified it. Fights and shootings and everything. I never realized what it really did to you.”
“Being badass isn’t easy.” I grinned tremulously at him, but he didn’t smile back, and my own quickly faded.
“Let’s go have a talk.” Jimmy said, getting up and pulling me with him. I just followed him wordlessly, knowing a breakdown was coming.

“You weren’t always this sensitive, were you?” The Rev asked kindly as he settled us in the grass under a large tree.
All I could do was shake my head, for fear of sobbing and not being able to stop.
“You don’t like dealing with things like this.” He smiled at me as I gave him a scathingly sarcastic ‘no, really?’ look.
“Cyn, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be upset. It doesn’t make you weaker than someone, or less than someone.” Jimmy informed me, even though I just bit the inside of my lip until I started swallowing my own metallic, coppery blood.
“I’ve cried.” Jimmy admitted honestly. “I’ve needed someone to cry on.”
I spat some blood onto the grass, making Jimmy sigh. “I don’t need anybody.” I mumbled mutinously.
“You just like saying that.” Jimmy teased gently, and I met his gaze for an instant, immediately regretting it. I had to look away from his caring, blue eyes.
“How do you like everybody so much? Don’t you know that most people don’t deserve it?” I growled. I hated myself, but I had to stay tough. Strong. Indestructible.
“I know.” Jimmy replied evenly. “I just know there’re a lot more people who do deserve it. Like little girls who don’t want to die.”
I flinched, closing my eyes. I didn’t have a witty response for that, nothing sarcastic, not even something mean.
Jimmy pulled me against him, wrapping his long arms around me and running one hand through my hair as I buried my face in his chest again, letting me hide the tears that broke through my cracking wall.
“I love you.” Jimmy said, resting his head on mine, but I pulled away to look at him, my eyes wide in fear.
“Like friends, right?” I was tired of running, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t.
“Like family.” Jimmy smiled at me warmly, and I blinked at him in surprise.
Then I buried my face in his chest again and really let myself cry.