The Punchline to the Joke Is Asking

It had been another week since my breakdown, and I’d given up on letting my street sense keep me alive. I didn’t worry about obscure alternative motives, or something I blurted out coming around to bite me in the ass. I just rolled with it, but now I let go of the consequences, too.

“Johnny!” I yelled, tackling him.
“Why?” He whined, as Jimmy and Matt added themselves to the pile.
“Because we can.” Matt and I answered together, then high fived around Jimmy.
“You can get off of me, too.” Johnny grumbled, trying to get out from under us.
“I can’t! I’m just a squished as you.” I grinned at him, laughing.
“Yeah Matt, what’ve you been eating?” Jimmy teased, and Matt smacked him in the head.
“That wasn’t nice!” I protested as Jimmy pouted, rubbing his head.
“He was mean first!” Matt whined, glaring at Jimmy.
“Two wrongs don’t make a right. Get off this pile and go to your bunk!” I pointed sternly, and Matt sighed, then got up and walked away.
“Hey, wait a second!” He yelled form the bunk area an instant later, and Zacky, Syn, and The Rev all started snickering. Even Johnny grinned wickedly.
“Jailbait’s got us wrapped around her fingers.”
I laughed, smacking him in the head. “Right.”

-X-

“You know, I think Christ was onto something this morning.” Zacky said late that night, once everyone else had passed out after the post show party.
I shot him a questioning glance, and he studied my expression before answering my unasked question.
“I think you do have them wrapped around your fingers.” He nodded towards his band mates, snoring in their bunks. “Maybe even me.”
I blinked in surprise and looked away. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Do you really not believe it, or are you just trying to avoid a letdown?” Zacky asked shrewdly, though not unkindly.
I sighed. “As long as I can tell myself you don’t really like me, it’s easier to get kicked out. Easier to run.”
“Why would you run from us?” Zacky asked, trying to figure out my head. If he could, it’d more than I could do.
“For a bunch of reasons. I don’t like getting attached.” I shook my head. “I don’t like people trying to figure me out, or who try to open me up. I was on the streets so long, it got pounded into me that any of that would be the end of me. It freaks me out. And the only options that make sense to me are fight or run.” I sighed, meeting Zacky’s green eyes. “I think being on the streets wrecked me. I know I’m out of my mind, I don’t think like everybody else. I’m hardwired for the streets. I feel like… living like this is that whole, ‘this is high school, next step is the real world’ thing. It’s like the streets were my real world. This is just transition for me. I can’t handle families, friends, that sort of thing.”
“I dunno. We’re a family, and you seem pretty well-adjusted.” Zacky tipped his head to one side.
I stared back for a second. Everything inside me was screaming one word, over and over, louder and louder.
Run.
“I… No.” I shook my head.
Zacky smiled at me crookedly. “I think you’ll figure it out, jailbait.” He stood up, ruffling my hair, and disappeared into the bunk area.
He knew I was with them until we hit Chicago, at least.

-X-

“What’re you playing?” Syn asked, dropping next to me onmy the couch, where I was playing my battered guitar.
“It’s by The Academy Is… ‘Everything We Had’.” I mumbled.
“It sounds sad.” He remarked.
“It is.” I sighed, then glanced up at him. He was watching my fingers drift over the frets, not looking at me.
“Then why do you play it?” He finally met my eyes.
“It reminds me of people I used to know.” I dropped my gaze to my guitar now.
“I thought you didn’t have anyone?” Syn asked, confused.
“I don’t think they miss me.” I shrugged off the self pity and abruptly switched to another song, none of my smooth transitions countering the jarring change.
I glanced up and found Syn staring at me. “Who’s in Chicago?”
I winced, then shook my head mutely as I looked away.
“Zacky told us. About Pete and Gerard looking for you.”
Once again, my gaze jerked up to meet Syn’s. “They’re not. They just think I’m their responsibility. I have to tell them I’m not.” I glared off into space.
“Are you going to stay with them or us?” He asked, after a quiet moment.
“I…” I swallowed, my throat suddenly like sandpaper. “I don’t know.”
“You can’t run forever. Nobody can.”
I refused to meet his eyes, to even acknowledge that he’d spoken, and with a sigh, he walked away.
I knew I was being petty and childish, I knew I wasn’t handling this maturely, but that was why I was still 17. I wasn’t ready to grow up just yet.
Even though my innocence had ended long before I’d understood the word.

-X-

“It’s for her own good.”
“But-!”
“Jimmy, you’re being selfish.” Zacky cut off his protest. “I want her to stick with us, too, but she has to face them sometime.”
I felt sick. I always heard bad things when I eavesdropped, why hadn’t I learned that by now?
And now we were in Chicago, and it sounded like I’d be seeing Pete very soon.