The Punchline to the Joke Is Asking

That was when the silence began.
Did I really just say that?
Do I really mean that?
What if he says it back?
What if he doesn’t?
I blinked, stunned into silence by my own traitorous mouth, wondering just what to do. How could I save us this? How could I turn this around and end us? Why didn’t I want to?
“Cyn?” Ryan asked quietly, sounding just as shocked. “Did you just… Did you say that… you love me?”
We didn’t say that. We’d never said that. We knew it would be bad to say it; that it would send me running for the hills. And look, I just said it.
“I… yeah.” I admitted. Yeah, I screwed up. Yeah, I said it. Yeah, I meant it.
“I thought… I was so sure…” Ryan said, then sighed, laughing slightly in what sounded like relief. “I thought you were going to break up with me.”
So did I.
I just waited, having no idea what to say. He hadn’t said it back, maybe he would break us up for me.
“Cyn, you had me so worried, I thought we were over for a minute there.” I could tell he was shaking his head, that adorable grin spreading across his face as he laughed at his own stupidity. If only he knew that I really had planned on ending us…. “Cyn, I just… do you mean that?”
We were both waiting on tenterhooks to hear what I’d say. Even I wasn’t sure what was going to come out of my mouth anymore; what I needed to say or what I wanted to say. Somehow, they were two completely different things.
“Yeah, I do.” I said quietly but clearly. I flinched after I said it, wondering why I was making life so hard on myself. So what if I loved him? It didn’t mean we’d last. This just made it harder.
He was silent for a moment that stretched on for an eternity, and I let my eyes close in disappointment. See? I went and got myself hurt again.
“I… It’s late, Ryan. I’ve gotta go.” I mumbled, hanging up before he could say anything. I probably just saved myself a lot of pain, so why did it hurt so much?
-
I blinked, waking up on the chilly linoleum floor in the bathroom. That was weird. The last thing I remembered were the tears starting to fall as I curled up on my bed after hanging up with Ryan- I shifted, and wound up biting back a surprised gasp.
Pain lanced through my arms, and I looked down, staring in shock at the dozens of cuts up and down both my forearms. I hadn’t gone deep, but there were so many little cuts…. At least they were only on the insides of my arms, not everywhere like I used to do them. They didn’t even hurt too badly, just like paper cuts.
I stood up, glad Jimmy hadn’t walked in on me, or worse, Leana. Jimmy would freak, but Leana… oh god, I’d break her heart. That woman can’t handle seeing anyone in pain. I hadn’t even realized people like her existed until Jimmy introduced us.
I hid the razor I used, wrapping it in tissues before tossing it out and wrapping myself up. Now all I had to do was dash across the hall and throw on a hoodie without being spotted. Not impossible, right? I mean, I’m a ninja, and it’s a big house, what are the odds?
I’m so screwed.
I took a deep, silent breath, then cracked open the door, peering out.
Empty hallway.
I exhaled in relief, silently thanking the hallway gods, and stepped out of the bathroom.
“Boo.”
I squeaked and whipped around, slipping on the wood floor and falling onto my back as I stared up at Jimmy in surprise. I barely managed to catch myself on my forearms when I hit the ground.
Jimmy laughed at me, and I took the opportunity to scramble to my feet, crossing my arms across my chest and glaring at the tall man.
“Way to go, Jimmy. You just almost gave me a heart attack and a concussion all in one go.”
Jimmy did his best to stop laughing, toning it down to just badly suppressed giggles. “Sorry Cyn.” He grinned, then pulled me into a hug. “Don’t be mad, please?”
I sighed. “I’m not mad, Jimmy.” I hugged him back, knowing he couldn’t see the band aides on my arms. “Just, Jesus, it’s been a while since I got out-ninja’d.”
Jimmy giggled again, releasing me, and I immediately crossed my arms again.
“Aww, don’t be so grumpy.” Jimmy pouted, thinking he’d really upset me.
“Don’t worry Jimmy, I’m just cold.” I grinned up at him, and he frowned, but nodded. We both knew I was lying, but he didn’t call me on it. “Why don’t you go see if we have pancake mix? I’m getting better at making them.”
Jimmy smiled crookedly, then ruffled my hair and wandered down the hallway towards the stairs.
Once he was gone, I sighed in relief and darted into my room, grabbing the first hoodie I saw and sliding it on. I glanced down and realized it was a Clandestine hoodie Pete had sent me about a week ago. It was black with purple words on it, words I agreed with.
‘Love can’t save you’.

-X-

“You’re leaving tomorrow for Chicago, right?” Jimmy asked sadly as we sat down to dinner with Leana. He liked to do that, sit down with just ‘his girls’ and eat dinner like a real family. I had to admit that I liked it, too.
“Yeah, Pete won’t leave me alone about it; he seems to think I’ll purposely miss my flight.” I grinned, rolling my eyes at his idiocy. Maybe I’d do that if I was running, but I was happy to be going back. I could avoid Ryan easily, and I’d missed everyone else.
“Yeah, why would you wanna do that?” Jimmy mumbled, shoving his food around his plat with his fork.
I glanced up, surprised that I’d hurt his feelings. Then I got up and hugged him. He was so tall, his chin rested on my shoulder as he hugged me back. “I’m gonna miss you, Jimmy. I’ll call you all the time, and I’ll be back before you know it.”
“What if you don’t come back?” Jimmy asked, and I froze before pulling away to meet his gaze.
“I promise I’ll come back, Jimmy.” I said seriously. “I love you, and all the guys, and you too, Leana.” I added, grinning at her. She smiled when I said that.
“We all love you, too, Cyn.” Leana was such a sweetheart.
Jimmy sighed. “Alright. But I need to talk to you tonight.”
I swallowed, knowing that it probably wouldn’t be a good chat.
-
After dinner, I offered to help Leana with the dishes like I always did, but she just waved me off for once, telling me to go talk to Jimmy. I nodded obediently and slunk off to where Jimmy sat on the couch, waiting for me.
When I plopped down next to him, I didn’t look at him and tried to make myself as small as possible. Maybe I’d be invisible, or be so small he’d forget about me-
No, I didn’t want him to forget me.
I sat up a bit more, setting my shoulders as I looked at him.
“Done trying to disappear?” Jimmy asked, the ghost of a smile on his lips. I couldn’t help but wonder what had killed it.
I nodded once, too on edge to do much else. This was another new thing I hadn’t had to deal with in the streets; talks. On the streets I could run or shut someone up as I saw fit. I never had to listen to what I didn’t want to hear, but I’d learned to talk my way out of a lot of things. This, these serious discussions where I had to listen to someone else, was new, unnerving, and there was no way for me to win.
“How badly did you cut yourself this time?” Jimmy asked, cutting getting straight to the point, and I looked at him in surprise before shutting down all my emotions. He knew I was gearing up to lie, but I tried it anyway.
“Cut? I stopped that. You told me to talk to you when I felt like I had to hurt myself.” I said, looking him in the eyes with a blank face. I knew my mask was flawless, but that was going to kill me in the end; no one was that perfect, that unfeeling. Not for real.
“Can you not bullshit me about the important things?” Jimmy sighed in disappointment, and that made me flinch. If there was one thing I hated, it was upsetting Jimmy. It was like making Brendon cry; there was just something so wrong about it, even I considered it blasphemy.
“It’s not bad, I promise.” I mumbled, staring at my hands in my lap. They were hidden by the long sleeves of my Clandestine hoodie. “Just a bunch of little ones. I put band aides on. They’re okay. I’m okay.”
“Cyn, you’re not okay.” Jimmy sighed, and I looked up at him, wide-eyed. I had to be okay. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t suicidal. I was just… getting by. Like the rest of the world.
Jimmy pulled me closer to him, holding me like I would break. “Hurting yourself like this, it’s wrong. One day we won’t be able to fix you. Why didn’t you come talk to me? Would you rather hurt yourself?”
“No! Jimmy, I promise, I wanna get better, I’m trying to get better! I just… I don’t even remember doing this! I remember being upset and crying in my bed last night, and then I woke up on the bathroom floor like this!” I confessed, forcing back tears. Just in case a few leaked out, I buried my face in Jimmy’s chest.
“What happened last night? Why were you crying?” Jimmy was immediately even more worried than before, and I hated myself even more. This was all my fault, anyone who tried to help me just got dragged down into my grave hole with me. I was wrecking everybody else’s lives.
So there’s two options now; run and hide, or run and die.
Shut up. I’m done running.
“Jimmy, I’ll be okay. You know Pete and Gerard’ll take care of me.” I sighed, and Jimmy did the same.
“I know, but I’m supposed to take care of you. You’re my little girl, after all.” Jimmy grinned at me crookedly, and I smiled back at him. “So what bothered you enough to do this?” He grabbed the ends of my too-long sleeves, knotting the ends together to make me whine in a wordless protest.
“Ugh, Jimmy.” I whacked him with the knot, making him chuckle as I struggled to undo it with my arms still stuck in the sleeves. No way was I taking the hoodie off. “I um… I kinda don’t want to talk to you about it. It’s more of a girl thing.” I admitted, looking away awkwardly.
“Oh.” Jimmy said, obviously unprepared for something like that. “Oh… um, …oh.”
Had we been talking about anything else, Jimmy’s sudden lack of words would have been comical. Under the circumstances, however, it just wasn’t funny.
“Yeah.” I agreed quietly.
“Did you want to talk to Leana?” Jimmy asked, and I looked at him in surprise.
“I don’t think she wants to hear it. Besides, she’s so happy. I don’t want to wreck her world.” I shrugged. “I’m still here; obviously I can handle it.”
“Cyn, you’ve gotta talk to someone-“ Jimmy began, but he got cut off.
“Cyn, you can always talk to me about anything.” Leana said from the doorway. “I’m tougher than I look.” She smiled almost sadly, then wandered over to the couch, shooing Jimmy away. “Go play your drums, it’s long past time Cyn and I had a heart-to-heart.”
Jimmy looked at me as if for permission, and I grinned at him. It really hit home that he cared about me when he did that; he was willing to piss off his fiancé to make sure I was happy first, just because I was his adopted daughter.
He took my grin as permission, ruffling my hair before kissing Leana and disappearing to the basement to practice, as ordered.
“Now, what has you and Jimmy so upset?” Leana asked kindly, and I looked down. I already felt guilty, about to drag this beautifully happy person into all my misery.
“I got upset and… did something I told Jimmy I’d quit. When I feel like I’m going to… slip up, I’m supposed to talk to him, but I thought I could handle myself this time. It wasn’t something I wanted to talk to him about, either, just because he doesn’t like the subject.” I tried to explain without really explaining, and as soon as I glanced up to see Leana’s expression, I knew I was screwed and she’d be getting answers out of me.
“What did you do that’s so bad?” Her eyes widened as she looked at my sleeves, which I’d finally managed to unknot. “You don’t do heroin, do you?”
“No!” I shook my head, hesitating before pushing up my sleeves. Almost all the cuts had band aides on them, but a few were just small, scabbed-over lines I hadn’t bothered with. “I… cut myself.” They were something to see, layered over all the scars. It really made for an awful overall effect.
“Oh, Cyn, why?” Leana asked sadly, tears welling up in her eyes. This wasn’t even the difficult part and she was bringing out the water works. Jesus, I hoped no one ever told her about what New York had put me through.
“Lots of reasons. I’m not sure why this time, I think it was just habit. I don’t even remember doing it.” I shrugged. “I remember crying in my room last night, and I woke up bloody on the bathroom floor this morning.”
“Cyn, I wish there was something I could do to help you.” Leana sniffed, pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. Unlike Jimmy, she wasn’t worried about breaking me. I hugged her back, glad someone was finally letting me hold on, anchor myself to something real, something stable. Something not like me.
“You’re helping, don’t worry. Just knowing you care, it helps.” I assured her honestly, and Leana pulled away slightly to shoot me a watery smile before latching tightly back onto me.
“You’re such a good kid.” Leana said, and I froze. No one had ever said that to me. Not once. “I was so happy when Jimmy adopted you for real, and I can’t wait until the wedding next spring, because then we’ll be a real family-” Leana was picking up speed and starting to ramble when I cut her off.
“Leana, a priest doesn’t have to recite some stupid prayer. We’re already a family. You’re already my mom.” I told her, and then Leana really started crying. Even I had a few tears leak out as we sat there, hugging and crying.
-
After a good while of hugging and crying and just having a pathetically girly moment, Leana pulled away, sniffing and wiping her eyes. “Anyway, we have to be serious!” She commanded. “Why were you so upset last night? What happened?”
I looked down at my sleeves again, fidgeting with the ends. “Well, you know my boyfriend, Ryan?” I mumbled, glancing up to see Leana nod at me. “Well, we hadn’t spoken for a few weeks, and he finally called me last night.” I glanced up just in time to cut Leana off before she went off on a rant. “He wasn’t being ajerk, his friend broke his phone and it took him forever to get a new one ‘cause he was really busy with his new band and splitting from his old one.” Leana shut her mouth, not looking entirely satisfied, but unable to fault Ryan. “Besides, we talked forever last night, it was great.” I smiled sadly.
“So what happened?” Leana asked, slightly confused.
“I… I was going to break up with him. I had it all planned out.” I sighed. “I always do this, I always run away from everything before it ends, before I get hurt.” I shook my head at my own stupidity and cowardice. “But when I went ot break up with him, it didn’t come out right.” I laughed in disbelief at myself. “In fact, I told him…”
“What?” Leana asked eagerly.
“I told him I love him.” I admitted, and Leana gasped.
“Oh my god! Do you really?!” She asked, her hands over her mouth. She seemed ecstatic to be let in on my secret, her grin only widening when I nodded. “Cyn! That’s fantastic!” She smiled, then froze, her grin fading fast. “But what did he say?”
I felt my own face fall, dropping my gaze back to my sleeves. I could feel the cuts almost as if they were fresh, feel the scabs tingling. Itching to be opened.
“Absolutely nothing.”
Leana hissed in sympathy before engulfing me in another huge hug, this one not as bone-crushing as the first. “It’s okay, he probably just didn’t know what to say. If he’s used to you running away, he probably wasn’t expecting it. I’m sure he just… got caught off-guard. Cyn, you’re an amazing girl, and so many people love you. I’m sure Ryan loves you, too.”
I pulled back to smile at Leana, wishing I could go back to the days when I had such an innocent, optimistic view of the world.
Then I realized I’d never had that luxury.

-X-

The next day, Leana and Jimmy took me to the airport to send me off to Chicago after I’d said goodbye to everybody.
“Cyn, I’m sure everything with Ryan will work out.” Leana assured me as she hugged me. “Everything in life works out for the best, you’ll see. He might not even be the one for you, it could be someone you haven’t even met yet.”
I smiled, realizing she was right. “Yeah, I guess. Thanks. Love you, Mom.” Leana pulled back to look at me for an instant, tears in her eyes, then she yanked me back to hug me again, trying not to cry.
“I love you too, very much.” She informed me, then dried her eyes and let Jimmy say his goodbye.
“Remember, we love you, and you can call either of us, any time, for whatever reason. Especially if you just miss us.” Jimmy informed me seriously, and I hugged him, taking him by surprise.
“I promise I’ll be good, and I won’t forget to call you, and I’m going to miss you, and I love you Dad.” I said it quickly, having no idea how Jimmy would react to being called that. I hadn’t treated him any differently since he’d adopted me, and I certainly never called him that before.
I felt him stiffen in surprise before he pulled back to stare at me in disbelief, making me blush and look away.
“I love you, too. And just you remember, you’re daddy’s little girl.” He pulled me back into the hug, swaying slightly from side to side. I’ll be the first to admit it, I was grinning like an idiot.