Land of a Million Stars

I always knew I’d die. I’m human; it’s natural. I just didn’t think I’d die so soon.

Being only nineteen, I made the front page of my small town’s newspaper instead of just the obituary page. The whole story was about my life, my unbelievably boring life. The very life that was gone before it had even started.

I left behind two brothers, a mother, and a beautiful boyfriend I’d loved more than anything. I hadn’t had many friends that still lived in my one-horse town. They’d all gone away to colleges far away from here. Wade was the only one who hadn’t left. I’d always liked to think he stayed for me but I knew the truth: if he left, who would take care of his mom?

Like me, Wade’s dad had ditched when he was a kid. But Wade’s mom fell into a dark pit after that, turning to alcohol to give her happy feelings. If Wade left, his mom might do something drastic and suddenly, she’d be gone from this world. Just as I am now.

My mom never did that. After my dad left, she threw herself into her work as our town newspaper editor and chief. I barely saw her except for at night, when she’d stumble home after a long day and fling herself into bed. My brothers, both older, tried to hide that from my six year old eyes. They cooked me dinner, they made my lunches for school, and even made sure I didn’t wear anything silly.

Zeke and Frankie. Those are their names. Zeke was the oldest, and then Frankie, then me. Zeke’s twenty-seven now, and Frankie’s twenty-four. Frankie goes to some fancy college… NYU, I think. Zeke got into Yale and went there for all of one month before dropping out and deciding to be a tattoo artist.

They both flew down for my funeral, which was nice. But it was so hard to see them cry. My mom used to cry a lot after my dad left, so that wasn’t has bad. My brothers had never cried, at least not that I ever knew of. So when I watched them completely break down and sob, I cried, too. I stood next to them the whole time, crying in time with them. I reached out for them but my hand went through them.

And it didn’t help that Wade was there, too.

He didn’t cry, not like my brothers. He stood there, in stone cold silence, like a statue. His eyes were completely empty and his face pale, the bones more angular, like he hadn’t been eating enough. There were bags beneath his eyes and to me, that was worse. He was wasting away into nothing.

My casket was open, my dark curls brushed glossy and arranged around my head in a style fit for a princess. I was wearing a simple white dress, long and flowy. It was a dark wood with lavender satin on the inside. Flowers lay beneath my cold, pale hands. White lilies, my favorite flower.

And after I’d been laid into the ground, everyone walked a mile to the small lake I used to love. They had more flowers and everyone said something and tossed their flowers into the lake where the current carried them away.

Only one person didn’t say anything: Wade. He didn’t come forward during the speeches, but after everyone left, he took the last few lilies and stood at the edge of the lake.

“Ella,” he said softly. He ran his fingers over the silky petals. Then he brought them to his face and inhaled deeply. “You smelled like lilies.” He kissed the petals and then placed it in the water. It bobbed for a few seconds before the current picked it up and away it went.

“Goodbye.”