Land of a Million Stars

School was out when I got there. Quinn was walking out of the school, laughing and talking with Sara. A knife sliced through my heart, even though I knew I shouldn’t feel like this. I swallowed hard, a lump now lodged in my throat. I leaned against Quinn’s car, trying to look casual.

He didn’t see me. He pulled Sara over to the other side of the car and she leaned against it, smiling at him. She put her arms around his neck and rested them there. He grinned. “I’ll see you tonight, okay?” he said. Sara nodded and leaned up, kissing him lightly on the lips. A funny taste bloomed in my mouth. I felt sick.

Quinn and Sara pulled back and Quinn got into the car. Startled, I got in too. Quinn gave no notice of me.

“I see you and Sara are getting along well,” I muttered. Quinn didn’t reply. In fact, he turned up the radio. I blinked. Quinn sang along to whatever was playing and drummed on his steering wheel a little. By the time we got to his house, I was a little worried and had a ringing in my ear.

Quinn got out of his car and walked up to his door, unlocked it, and walked in. I followed behind.

“Quinn,” I said. No reply. We reached his room and Quinn looked around.

“Ella?” he asked.

“I’m right here!”

Quinn looked right at me but he shrugged. “She must’ve gone home or something,” he mumbled.

“What? No! Quinn, I’m right here. Why can’t you see me?!” But it was useless. Quinn couldn’t see me anymore. I was completely and utterly alone. So, numb to everything, I went to the lake.



I stood in the water but I didn’t feel the wet or the cold. I sat down. The water was above my head and if I were alive, I’d be gasping for breath. But I wasn’t. The lake was silent, serene in its oblivion.

But a person can only handle so much silence before their thoughts grow too loud. My head broke the surface to the noises of crickets and the ribbiting of frogs. It was nature’s own lullaby. I lay on the springy green grass. Then I heard something.

Quinn appeared. In the moonlight, he looked good. The silvery light caught his dark hair and made his pale skin look luscious.

“Quinn,” I said, sitting up. Quinn didn’t say anything. My heart began to beat faster and faster. My throat tightened. He couldn’t see me anymore.

“Ella?” Quinn called out. He sighed and sat down. “Oh, El. Where are you?” He ran his fingers through his hair. I moved over to him, sitting down beside him. I sighed as well. Quinn sniffed. And then he frowned. “El?” He looked at me.

Come on, Quinn. See me!

I felt myself grow warm. Quinn’s eyes widened and his face was lined with relief. “Oh thank God,” he whispered.

“You… you can see me?” I asked. Quinn nodded. I flung myself at Quinn, wrapping my arms around his neck and squeezing tight.

“How long have you been there?” he asked into my hair.

“Longer than you. And I was with you at your house after school and…” I pulled back.

“You saw me with Sara.”

It wasn’t a question.

I nodded. “Yeah. I did.”

Quinn ran his fingers through his hair again. It stuck up at odd angles. “I didn’t want you to see that,” he said softly.

“Why? I’m happy. I’m happy for you, that you’re moving on,” I said around the lump in my throat. I laced my fingers together.

“That wasn’t me, though,” Quinn said. “I mean, it was me but…” Quinn shook his head. “This isn’t coming out right.”

“Then just say it. Say you like Sara. It’s okay, Quinn. I understand,” I told him.

“That’s just it: I don’t like Sara.”

“But – ”

“I only acted that way because I’m trying. I’m trying not to like you, El. Because you were right; you’re dead and it’s never going to work. So I faked it.”

“Did you see her tonight?”

“Yes. But only for a few minutes. She tried to jump my bones. I told her no and then I told her the truth: that I liked somebody else. But that it was really complicated and I needed time.” Quinn gave me a grin.

“Complicated? Understatement,” I said, exhaling. Quinn laughed and put an arm around me.

“So, what did you do while you were away?” he asked me. I rested my head on his shoulder. And I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t feel like I was cheating on Wade. I’d moved on from Wade and I’d helped him move on from me. It was time to accept that. And while it was bad to become involved with Quinn, and I wouldn’t actually become involved with him, it wouldn’t hurt to allow myself to be comforted. It wouldn’t hurt to let myself feel for the last time in my life.

“I went to see Frankie,” I said. Quinn waited. “And he got a phone call. From my dad. He’s coming to visit, to say goodbye to me.” Quinn’s arm tightened around me. “It’s silly. I shouldn’t get worked up about this. He won’t be able to see me anyway, not without your help, at least. He’ll say his goodbye and he’ll move on. He’s good at that.”

“Ella, it’s okay to be upset,” Quinn whispered. And my eyes grew hot.

“I miss him so much,” I said, my voice raising an octave. “I was only six when he left so I barely remember him, but I remember the feeling. I remember how, when he held me, I felt so safe. And I remember the empty hole he left. I remember how that hole used to be filled.” I turned to look at Quinn. “How could he do that? How could he leave?”

Quinn pulled me close and I buried my face into his chest. His warm, solid chest, with his beating heart. “Shh, Ella. It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” He comforted me for a while, until I stopped crying. We were silent for a long time.

“You know,” Quinn whispered, “my dad left, too.”

I looked at him, waiting for him to say more. His eyes glowed green from beneath his dark lashes. The same lashes that cast shadows across his handsome face. “He did?” I asked when it appeared Quinn wasn’t going to say anything else.

He nodded. “Not the same yours did, though,” Quinn said. “My dad, he… well, he killed himself.” I felt my mouth open slightly in shock. I wanted to say something but no words would come out. Quinn continued. “I was eight, Caitlyn was two. She doesn’t remember our dad at all. I remember it though. I was there.” Quinn took a deep breath. Then he looked at me. “Are you sure you want to hear this story?”

“Yes,” I replied. “I want to understand you.” Quinn nodded, like he understood.

“Okay,” he said. “My dad picked me up from school, just like normal. But I knew something was off. The car smelled funny, my dad was acting weird. He was fidgety. He messed with the radio and kept glancing in his mirrors. I was eight; I didn’t recognize the signs.” My throat tightened.

“Oh my God,” I whispered. I knew where this story was going.

“When we passed our street, I knew something was wrong. So I asked him. I said, ‘Daddy, where are we going?’ and he said, ‘We’re going to a special place, Quinny. It’s a place where it’s always happy and no one is ever sad.’ I thought he meant a toy store. Or maybe the ice cream place or the zoo. But, of course, that was wrong. He took the highway. He’d gotten on the wrong ramp and the cars came at us. It didn’t take long before one hit us.”

We were silent for a long, long time.

“My dad died. I didn’t,” Quinn whispered. I turned so I was facing him. I took his face in my hands.

“Don’t feel bad about that, Quinn,” I said firmly. “Don’t you feel bad about living. You’re lucky you did live.”

“I got away without a scratch. Except a scar on my back. One mark out of a three car pile-up.”

“Can I… can I see?”

Quinn pulled away from me and pulled off his shirt. The cool air made goosebumps prickle on his skin. He turned so his back faced me. It was smooth and I could see his muscles rippling beneath his skin. And right down his back, parallel to his spine and nearly all the way down his back, was a white scar. I placed my finger at the top on the scar and traveled down. Quinn’s muscles tensed.

I moved closer and pressed myself against his back, wrapping my arms around Quinn. My chin rested on his shoulder. Quinn’s breath was shallow and ragged. I kissed his cheek.

Quinn turned and pulled me into his arms, laying me back against the grass. His lips were urgent against mine, like he was planning on dying sometime soon, too, and we didn’t have much time. His fingers were just as rushed, pulling at my clothes.

“Quinn,” I said when he detached his lips from mine. He kissed my neck. The hot feeling of desire coursed through me and my body arched against his in response. But I couldn’t do this. I wanted to. Oh, God knew I wanted to, but I couldn’t. “Quinn, stop.” But Quinn had lost his hearing or had chosen to ignore me.

I gasped when the cold air met my skin. My shirt was tossed aside and I shivered. Quinn’s body was warm, though, and the conflicting temperatures only made the feeling more intense.

“Quinn, Quinn, stop,” I breathed. I gathered all my strength and willpower and put my hands on Quinn’s chest. Then I pushed. Quinn fell backwards.

“What?” he asked. His eyes were clouded over with lust and desire.

“We can’t do this,” I said. Our breathing was labored. We stared at each other for a long time. He sighed and rolled over. I turned over and snuggled against him, my head over his heart. I could feel his heart beating, just as fast as mine. They were in sync.

“Quinn,” I whispered. He looked at me. I picked his hand up and pressed it over my heart, then I put mine over his heart. “They’re beating together.”

Quinn lifted his free hand and gently cupped my face. “Why’d I have to meet you after you died?” he said softly. My eyes grew hot. I knew that if I’d met Quinn before I died, we’d have been together. Wade or no, there was a reason Quinn could see me and I think I’d finally figured it out. He was supposed to see me when he moved here, before I’d died. He was supposed to see through me to the girl inside. And when I’d died, I’d made that impossible. So the angels had given him the ability to see me anyway.

I’d always thought Wade was my soul mate, my other half. But now I was pretty sure that job belonged to Quinn. Only he’d never get a chance to do what he was supposed to: be with me. Because I’d died and I’d changed everyone’s fate. Now all we had was the few moments in between helping people, before I vanished for good.

Concern flickered in Quinn’s eyes and he sat up. His other hand cupped the other side of my face. I choked out a sob. “Hey,” he said, wiping a tear away. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close, just like he always did when I was sad. My tears dampened his skin and his hand was warm on my own.

“I wish I would have met you before all this,” I said quietly. Quinn’s arms tightened around me. We sat like that until the sun began to peak over the horizon, casting sunlight over the cold, glistening world.