Land of a Million Stars

It was time to see my brothers again. With Quinn by my side for support and the energy I knew I’d need, we arrived at my house. Quinn squeezed my hand and leaned over, giving me a slow, lingering kiss. I smiled.

“Are you ready?” he asked. I nodded. I was. We walked up to my door and Quinn knocked. Frankie answered the door. He frowned.

“Why are you here?” he asked.

“Uh,” Quinn said. He looked over at me and arched a brow, a silent What now, chief?

“Tell him you’re with me,” I said. Quinn’s other brow lifted too but he shrugged.

“I’m with Ella,” he informed Frankie. Frankie coughed.

“What?” he sputtered. Then he looked over his shoulder and yelled, “Zeke!” There was a loud crash and Zeke came to the door. Standing next to each other, in this fading light, I could see the resemblance. They both had brown hair and blue eyes. They looked like me.

“Who’s this kid?” Zeke asked, nodding towards Quinn. He sized him up and seemed satisfied that Quinn was weaker than him.

Quinn cleared his throat. “My name is Quinn,” he said, offering out his friend. “I’m here with – ” I shot Quinn a sharp look “ – for Ella.” Silence from the brothers. “Your sister,” Quinn clarified.

“We know who Ella is, dumbass,” Zeke snapped. “How do you know her? You’re new and she died before you showed up.”

“Uh, yeah, I know. I can, ah, see her,” Quinn said. They stared at him blankly. “She told me you’ve seen her once and she’d like to see you guys again. She can’t do it by herself; it drains too much of her energy.”

“How do we know you’re not bullshitting us?” Zeke asked. Frankie was quiet, studying his cuticles.

I grabbed Quinn’s hand and focused my energy. I felt myself grow warm and tingly, and the smell of lilies emenated from me. “Does it look like he’s bullshitting you guys?” I questioned.

“Ella!” Frankie rushed forward and flung his arms around me. I hugged him back, suppressing the tears that threatened to spill over. Frankie didn’t have the same control. And when he pulled back and I saw he was crying, all that holding back disappeared and I was crying right a long with him.

“El? Is that you? Are you back?” Zeke asked. I lifted my empty hand and swiped at the tears. I nodded. Zeke collapsed into my arms, sobbing. “I’m so sorry, El. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Zeke,” I whispered. “It’s okay.” The next five minutes were a blur. We were suddenly inside and sitting down, silent and staring at the floor.

“What does this mean?” Frankie finally asked. He looked up and met my eyes. I saw a scared little boy, the same one who would run to his dad when he heard noises, and the same one who would wander the house when that dad left.

“Both of you need to move,” I said. Zeke opened his mouth to protest. “No, Zeke. Let me finish. You’ve both barely been yourself since I’ve died. You both blame yourself. You think ‘If I only I could have stopped her… I should have known’. Well, you couldn’t have. What I did is on me and me alone. You both need to accept that I’m gone, accept that it wasn’t your fault, and move on with your lives. Don’t become what Mom’s done. Don’t be stuck in the rut of grief.”

“You were – are – our sister. We can’t just forget all this,” Frankie said softly.

“I’m not asking you to forget you. You shouldn’t; I am your sister. But you shouldn’t let what happened consume you. Frankie, talk to Max. Don’t isolate yourself. And tell Mom to deactivate my phone. That’s putting salt in the wound, Frankie. It’ll stop you from moving on if you kept letting yourself hurt unnecessarily.” Frankie looked at his hands.

“How do you know about Max, about your phone?” he asked.

“I saw you do it once,” I told him. ¬“Max called you and you let it go to voicemail. He can help you, Frankie. Let him.”

Then I turned to Zeke. I smiled at my brother. It was a sad smile. “Zeke, aiming guns at people, threatening to kill them is not okay,” I said. “Especially to Wade.” I furrowed my brows in concern. “How could you blame him? Yes, we had a fight, but Wade had been trying to make it better. I was too stubborn, I left. I didn’t want his apologies. I was too angry. Don’t blame anyone but me, Zeke. It’s only my fault. It’s not anyone else’s.”

I could feel the energy start to recede. It was slow, but I knew it would pick up. We didn’t have much longer.

I dragged Quinn over to where my brothers sat and I grabbed each of their hands. “Please,” I whispered, my eyes growing hot. “Live again. Frankie, you were the best advice giver I had when I was growing up. Zeke, you were the coolest kid in the whole town. You both have lives you put on hold when I died. Take them off hold. Live again, please. Dying isn’t fun and I think it’s worse when you die inside. Don’t let that happen.”

Frankie and Zeke nodded. Frankie’s eyes widened. “Ella, you’re…”

I felt myself fading. “I know,” I said. “Remember what I said. And talk to Dad, both of you. It’ll be good for all of you. I love you guys so much.” I hugged them tightly until I felt myself slip away. They were both quietly crying when I finally disappeared. Quinn squeezed my hand and we left.

I broke down in the car, sobbing my heart out. Every time I thought I’d cried all I could, I’d see my brothers again and it’d start all over again. My shoulders shook and I hiccupped and I couldn’t catch my breath. My eyes burned from the salty tears and my face was hot. Quinn drove to the lake’s parking lot. He turned off the car and sat quietly, letting me cry.

When I stopped, I needed air. I needed it badly. I launched myself out of the car, sucking in the air like I never had before. I coughed a lot and my head felt light and my vision swirled.

“Easy, easy,” Quinn whispered, rubbing my back. “Don’t take it in too much; you’ll faint.” I slowed down and choked on a sob.

“I’m such a mess,” I said softly. A lone tear rolled down my cheek.

“A beautiful, smart, funny, loving mess,” Quinn said into my ear. His breath was warm against my skin. I shivered. He kissed me, softly. “Make love to me.” I stared into his green eyes, searching for something, anything. All I saw was love.

“Quinn, I… I can’t,” I said. He took my face in his hands.

“Why can’t you? I love you, Ella. I love you with every fiber of my being. And I know you love me.”

“I’m dead, Quinn,” I told him. “I’m dead and you’re not and… I can’t take something this special from you.”

“What? My virginity?” Quinn asked. I nodded. “Ella, there’s no one in the whole world I want to give it to more than I want you to have it.”

“Quinn…”

“Ella, I love you. I want to show you that.”

I nodded. “Okay,” I whispered. “Okay.”