Land of a Million Stars

My heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces. I’d never hurt so much, not ever. The entire time I’d been dead, I hadn’t felt this kind of pain. I had no where to go. The lake was too predictable, same with my grave. I couldn’t go home; he’d check there too. Same with Wade’s. The only place left was my dad.

So that’s where I went.

He wasn’t in the room, so I curled up on his bed and I cried. I breathed in the smell of his sheets. They smelled like him, which meant he’d slept in them already. I stayed there for hours but my dad didn’t come home. I got up and went to the door, but when I opened it, I found myself not at the motel, but at a very familiar, very white place.

Victoria stood before me, a curious expression on her face. “You’re a confusing girl,” she said thoughtfully. “You had Quinn. And yet, at the slightest hint of doubt, you run. You’ve hurt him, you know.”

“He hurt me,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.

“He’s been hurt before,” she told me.

“So have I. My father is the very embodiment of that.”

Victoria shrugged. “Maybe. But you’ve always known, deep down, that your father loves you. Quinn doesn’t have that. His father took his own life. To Quinn, that said that his father was too depressed, too detached from everything, even his children, to stay on this earth. He even tried to kill Quinn as well. That type of darkness leaves scars.”

“He was barely hurt. One scar,” I said.

“That’s what the darkness left. It was difficult to save Quinn, but he was not to die then. But the darkness still took its toll. That scar is the mark that it left on him. Quinn has been touched by the dark. It’s a very deadly thing to tango with,” Victoria informed me.

“He seems fine to me,” I said. “I haven’t noticed any darkness.”

“You wouldn’t,” Victoria said. She smiled and started to walk, beckoning me to follow. “Quinn hides it well, those underlying feelings. You’ve seen it twice now, though. Both times with Sara. He sees her and he thinks of you and that lets in the doubt. The doubt causes the darkness to bloom and Quinn becomes someone unrecognizable. The first time, Quinn lost the ability to see you until he righted his wrong. The second time however, you only wavered. Your emotions were so strong, you didn’t fade completely.”

“Why does he doubt me… doubt Sara?” I asked. The white began to fade into a marvelous garden, with blossoming flowers and the bluest sky I’d ever seen.

“He knows you are dead, just as you do,” Victoria said. “He knows that this will not last and so, he tries to force himself to forget you. It works, but only for a moment. Quinn is very broken.”

I looked down at the soft green grass. My sneakers were dirty, ragged, and looked out of place. “I love him,” I said softly. Victoria nodded, a silent urge to continue. “I think, no, I know he loves me. This isn’t fair.” I looked at Victoria. “I made one rash decision, one blurry moment of bad judgment and I die. And then, it isn’t enough to just die, I have to stay here and I have to help others and I have to meet Quinn. And he has to be able to see me and we have to fall in love.”

“You were going to fall in love anyway. You had to meet before you could pass on and then, by helping your brother not kill Wade, you created another thing you must conquer before you could pass.”

“Great,” I said sarcastically. “I just want to move on, already. I’m tired of being happy, so brilliantly happy, and then having that happiness disappear into a deep pit of misery.”

Victoria merely smiled. “You’ll move on when you’re ready.” And then she disappeared and I was standing outside the motel. It was raining and the streets glimmered under the lights. There weren’t many cars in the parking lot; not many people wanted to come to this middle-of-nowhere town and stay.

I needed to see my mom. It wasn’t very late; barely eight, so I headed to the newspaper office. She was the only person still there. I needed to talk to her. So I focused my energy and waited. Sure enough, the sensation bloomed throughout my body and the unmistakable smell of lilies filled the air.

Mom looked up and nearly fell over. “Ella?!” she gasped.

“Hi Mom,” I replied, offering a small smile. “I need to talk to you.”

“But – but how?” she asked, sitting in a chair. She placed her hand over her heart.

“I don’t have time to explain. Look, Dad’s back in town. Zeke and Frankie know; I’ve already talked to them and Dad called Frankie a few days ago. Mom, I need your advice.”

Mom blinked rapidly but slowly nodded. “Of course, honey,” she said. “Of course.”

“I’ve been here a while. The only person who can see me without me having to nearly faint with exhaustion is the son of the new family. His name is Quinn. And Sara is in love with him. He’s broken, being touched by darkness and blah blah blah. Sara tried to kill herself and Quinn doesn’t want to – can’t – leave her.” My eyes watered. “Mom, I love him. But he – he – I can’t. I’m dead and he’s not and I don’t care. I know I’m being selfish, but oh God, if he stays with Sara, Mom… It’ll hurt more than before.”

“Ella, what do you want me to tell you?” Mom asked gently.

“What to do,” I said. The tears had overflowed. Mom moved and took my hands. She looked into my eyes.

“I’ve not set the best example for you, darling. When your father left, I threw myself into work because I was so upset. And when I’d moved on, it seemed too… weak, I suppose, to just stop. So I didn’t. Darling, I think Quinn is staying with Sara because he feels he has no other choice. If he leaves her, she’ll try to kill herself again. At least, I’m sure he thinks that. And knowing Sara, it wouldn’t surprise me. You can’t tell him to choose between you and trying to save a life. He’ll carry that on his conscious forever.”

Suddenly everything fell into place. I knew what I had to do. I knew what Quinn had to do.

“Mom, thank you,” I said. I felt myself waver but my emotions were running high; they’d supply me with the energy I needed. “You need to move on, too. From Dad, from me. Don’t worry. Go out to dinner with Jake Abernathy. He likes you. And you like him, I can tell.” Mom blushed. “Goodbye Mom, I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.”

And I was gone, rushing to Quinn’s house where I knew exactly what needed to be done.