Land of a Million Stars

We lay on his bed for hours when we reached his house. I was curled up against him, my face tear-streaked and raw. Quinn’s heartbeat thudded in my ear. It wasn’t calming like Wade’s, but it comforted me just the same. Sometimes Quinn would absently stroke my hair but it didn’t really register with me.

My thoughts were a million miles away and in my head, I was with Wade, not Quinn.

“Hey El?”

“Yeah, Wade?”

We were relaxing in his backyard. He’d planned a surprise picnic for me. We were laying on the picnic blanket, my head resting in the crook of his neck, his arm around my shoulders. He was warm and cozy, and I felt so safe and loved in his arms. God I loved him.

“Wanna know something?” he asked.

“Of course,” I replied, smiling.

“I love you,” he said. “You know that? I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything.”

This was the second time he’d said it. And it sent sparks of happiness into my heart. I snuggled closer to him.

“Oh yeah?” I asked.

He pressed his lips to the top of my head. “Oh, yeah.”

“El? Where are you?” Quinn whispered to me.

I shrugged. “In the past,” I told him.

“Will you tell me… will you tell me how you died?”

For a long time, I didn’t say anything. I thought about the question, thought about the lies I could make up, but realized he needed to know to the truth. He deserved to know the truth.

I swallowed hard, my mouth suddenly dry. “It was a car accident,” I whispered. My voice rasped against my throat and I cleared it. “Well, it wasn’t really an accident, I guess.” Quinn’s arm tightened around me, as if he could protect from something that had already claimed my life. He couldn’t protect me from my memories though.

“What do you mean?” Quinn asked. His voice was barely audible but I could hear it like he’d spoken into a microphone.

“I mean, I was upset that night. Wade and I had had a fight, and it hadn’t ended well. We both said a lot of things we didn’t mean to. And then I went home. I was angry and my mother was there. I got angry at her. She sat there and let me yell at her and I just – I just, it made me angrier.” I took a big breath. I could see everything clearly in my mind. It was like a movie and everything was Blu-Ray, crystal clear with surround sound. I closed my eyes to block out the sounds of the yelling.

“So I left. I got in my car and drove over to this guy, Nathan’s. He was known for hooking people up with drugs and alcohol. I went to his house and asked for something that’ll make everything go away for a while. I stayed at his house and I drank so much. My brain went fuzzy and everything blurred and spun.”

“You drove when you were drunk?” Quinn whispered.

My eyes filled up with tears. “I didn’t mean to,” I said, shaking my head. “I didn’t mean to!” I sniffed a little and wiped at my eyes. “I wasn’t paying attention and then I realized I wasn’t even in town anymore. I was on the highway, headed somewhere else. I floored the gas pedal and gained speed so fast. I didn’t… I didn’t even see the tree.” My voice caught and the tears fell.

Quinn pulled me closer to him and buried my face into his chest, soaking his shirt with my tears. I sobbed, hiccupping my way through breathing. It hurt and I was so upset, that when Quinn kissed me, I didn’t even think about it before I was kissing him back. I was still crying but the tears had slowed, my brain otherwise busy.

Only after we broke apart for air did I realize what had happened. I jumped off Quinn. He’d put a mirror up in his room and I stared at it. Maybe his mom had put it up. Either way, my reflection was there. My eyes were red and puffy and my skin was dry. But that wasn’t the bad part. My lips were swollen and my eyes looked horrified. I didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

I ran.

I left Quinn’s house and ran.