This Is How I Disappear Without You.

How many more mornings am I going to wake up to and still feel strange without his embrace? It's only been near three months and it feels like an eternity. On the plus side, he calls every morning, thank my lucky stars, and before he goes to sleep. He's voice can only be close for ten minutes or less.

"Something is better than nothing", I always tell myself. It helps every now and then, especially when Jaylee or Ben ask how he's been doing.

"He'll be back soon, Hun. Believe me, he must be missing you as much as your missing him. It's not as easy for me either remember, Mikey's gone and I'm positive Jessie feels the same. She's seemed kinda down since Ray went off." Jaylee said.

She begins to tell me how Mikey and her are making it work. Their system consists of him calling her anytime possible and him taking cute pictures of him missing her. Ben didn't seem to mind the talk, actually, he encouraged us to continue the relationships. It's not common for Ben to be so positive about our boyfriends. Anytime he senses a bad vibe, he doesn't hide it for anyone.

"Look Janice, Frank is a great guy, I see it in your eyes that you really do feel something for him, and if you wanna keep that special something around then my best idea is to stick around. Isn't he gonna be playing around here soon", Ben asked flipping through the channels.
"Yeah, he said that he has something special planned for us that day. Once that show is done they don't perform again for four days and even then he's gonna most likely be busy" I sank back down on the couch, hoping by the time I crawl back up Frank will be back.
"Well, there you go. When he gets down here value the time you have with him. Cherish it." he smiles, eyes filled with accomplishment.
"Gee, Ben! Janice REALLY did not know that! What would we do without you?" Ms. Sarcastic Janice always has lovely comments after Ben speaks.

As much as their trying to help, it's back to square one. Frank isn't here and that's that. I can't change that even if I wanted to. It's his choice, if he should to ever quit playing because of me, I'll convince him one way or another that it's OK.

"Let's go practice, you guys. VH1 is playing shitty ass videos like Fireflies by Owl City. Have you guys heard that really cute girl on You tube sing it? What's her name? Christina something ,but her name on there is something along the lines of zeldaxlove64. She's got incredible vocals, kinda remind me of yours, Janice!" Ben chatted his way to the door.
"Ben. No more You tube for you OK?" Jaylee pats his back for a simple suggestion to get out the door, "He's right though! She's a really incredible singer! You should check it out. Matter of fact I'll write the name down and when you come home you can listen to it." She smiles and begins to shout after Ben for some weird comment he made on a tree.

Jaylee decides to carpool with Ben on his car and take off immediately which means that Ben blossomed to his natural childish annoyance.

"Oh Joy. Time to myself! I just can't get enough of it, yay!" I rattled my keys in a dance beat sarcastically

I let myself sink into the seat and gently push the radio button twice. My head tilts back and my eyes begin to close, hopefully a good band is playing. A huge buzz shutters out of the speakers indicating that the station was having some difficulties again. The search for a CD turned short, I had forgotten that I left them all in Frank's car.

"Hey baby, can you please change that song? Each time I listen to it, I get upset." Stream the puppy dog eyes and it's bulletproof.
"Well, I would HATE that so." ,he clears his throat and begins to have beautiful tone blaze and takes a short pause. "See. Now when you listen to that song again, I'll pop into your head" ,a cute smile rises, "Sing with me baby." ,he pleads with small tugs on my left arm, keeping his left hand on the steering wheel.
"I can't say no to you at points" I roll my eyes and cave in singing If It Means a Lot To You by A Day To Remember.

"Hey Kid! Who gave you your drivers license?! Ray Charles?!'
"Huh?". Who is that guy talking to, I asked myself.

My vision begins to become clear once more. How is it possible that I was driving semi-decently without killing a bird? This road is filled with people in moving vehicles yet, none got hit. I guess even when I'm off in my own world, I'm still a good driver.

My foot slams on the gas pedal and begins to ease up to the thought of living another day just to hear Frank's voice again. He soothes me in ways I had no idea were possible. The look in his eyes are piercing, unforgettable would be a better label. There should never be a frown on my face when I think about him, talk to him. Before I knew it, Jaylee was only a few feet away.

"Hey Evil Canival, calm down! You do remember that this is Ben's place; it's bad enough already" she laughs at Ben's death glare.
"Sorry. Just wanted to crank up some new tunes is all!", a half smile appears on it's own.
"Alright. Can we get to practicing now? I got some sick new beats that you guys may be interested on" Ben said beginning to wave his hand toward his garage door.

Jaylee begins to follow him into his apartment, walking slowly. My head bows down with a the thought of smashing something into a billion pieces just to get my frustration out. A huge grin slips into play.

"Hey " , Jaylee squints in confusion, "You OK, Janice?".
"Um. Yeah, why do you ask?" ,I coughed loudly and purely fake.
"Because I know you. That's bull. Seriously, what's wrong with you?" she says grabbing my hand and pulling me inside the garage.
"Ugh! I miss Frank..", I said beginning to sniffle.
"Ah I knew it.", she wraps her arms around me and my now shaking body, "Don't cry, honey. It's going to be OK. I know how it feels.." she says frowning and a small sniffle.
"It's so hard. We barely met not too long ago and I'm already going crazy for him." I sobbed heavily in her arms, "And now he's gone. How much harder is it going to be when it's a year long tour? National tour?World wide tour?" I began to bawl into her shirt.

Jaylee began to cry along with me. Mikey is always in her mind she says, he is the first guy to ever make her feel things that she never imagined ever existed. She has a picture of the both of them at the carnival taped in her ceiling just in case if she can't sleep; all she has to do is open her eyes and there they are in a happy state. Mikey admitted to doing the same thing. For the first time in her life, she connected with a guy who means all the words he let's spill out of his mouth from his heart and can back them up. It's funny how she found such an incredible guy who might not always be there for birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and special occasions.

Ten minutes continued to roll on by, at least three sets of them, until Ben came out to see why we had not come in yet. Ben is the guy who may seem so selfish and completely mean because of his physical appearance ,but in reality, he is the big brother everyone would adore to call a sibling. Sure he does have those annoying moments, it's only human, but all in all he makes up for it. He scooped the both of us into his arms, repeating things along the lines of:

"It's all going to be OK. It's going to be fine. There's always a reason and there's always a plan."

Jaylee's eyes became rainless faster than mine, which stunned me due to all my prior emotional states. Ben gave us pep talks about how obviously it will be difficult and the probability of it becoming easier are very thin ,but it's the aftermath of all the patient awaiting is handled. Qualities to being wise doesn't have to involve old age, just lessons learned from prior mistakes.

"You guys feelin' any better?" he asked embracing us both.
"Yeah-- I'm feel a little bit better. What about you, Jan?" she gets pulled up by Ben's hand and hands me hers.
"I do feel a little bit better. But, hey that's the best it's going to get" a simple laugh comes out and and a grip of fingers collapse around my palm.
"Well, it's a start. Come on let's just go hang out. We can always practice another day" ,Ben hugs us both individually.
"No. It's fine. Let's practice, I'm feelin' some inspiration right now." I let a smile grow on my face.

In the end, Jaylee still was not feeling all too great. Ben and I tried everything we could ,but still could not crack her. Fishy faces would make her instantly laugh and have her smiling for at least an hour, yet nothing. Witty jokes could give her a laugh or two that could last for half an hour, but still failed. This time it's serious. She really does love Mikey so much that nothing can make her smile simple other than him. We could have stayed at Ben's for as long as we wanted to ,but Jaylee's heart couldn't stand to know that we could see her cry. As Jaylee drove away in her car, Ben began to speak.

"So, Frank's somethin' special huh? I'm not trying to make you cry or anything it's just--"
"Just what?" I asked.
"It's so incredible that he came along at an amazingly perfect time." He smiles showing me two thumbs up.
"Perfect time?" I questioned.
"Yeah. If he didn't come around at the time he did, Adam would've been the one causing you to get all googly eyed. Jaylee, You and Adam all know that I hate Adam for what he's done to you. Just thinking about that Shit Head is pissing me off. Point is, I'm glad Frank's around. I approve." He smiles his five year old grin and continues to talk about how if Adam ever dared to come around again, he would do his best to keep all murder tools away from his own hands.

Between the plans Ben had thought up for taking sweet revenge on Adam and the many thoughts of Frank, I decided to head back to the apartment. We said our byes, he gave me a message to tell Jaylee, and he walked me to my car. As I drove out of the street, I could sense the inspiration striving to be written. The anticipation to get home and let it all out was as riveting as being on a roller coaster. Only a few more traffic lights to go.

"Jaylee?" I called out while I was walking into the apartment.
"In here." I hear coming from the bedroom.
"What are you doing?" I asked setting all my things in the kitchen counter and walking her way.
"Uh-- taking a picture for Mikey." she giggles.
"That's cute. I wanna see" I slam the door open.
"Here. Take one with me please?" she says, "Mikey says he misses you".
"Ugh, fine." I said taking the a piece of paper and writing 'Mikey :)' on it.

Once Jaylee and I take one picture a billion of them occur after. There has never been a time when we took just one picture. We change poses, the background, and props. This night would have to be a record breaker, because of the inspiration inside of me urging to be born.

"Thank you, honey. Mikey is for sure going to love this picture" she smiles at her phone that now reads 'Message Sent'.
"Your welcome, Doll. Now it's my turn to do somethin' special for my someone special." I race to the room, grab some paper and pencil, and in just a blink of an eye, words scribbled into sentences creating stanzas that are later classified as verses, bridges and a chorus.

Only less than one third of an hour and a song emerged from the inspiration. One incredible thing I could do is record it and somehow have him listen to it. In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first song ever written about him. While he is listening to the song, I would love to see the look in those eyes. The very look from those..

"Ever Changing Eyes"