He's Not Here

"He doesn't like me. You know that? In fact, I think it's safe to say that he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you, Harry," Lily says, shaking her head.

"He does, Mum. You know it's true," Harry tells her, crossing his arms over his chest. But she shakes her head again, moving her wand in various directions, putting her clean laundry away before her husband gets home. Her son stands beside her, going on one of his usual rants about his stepfather. Her husband.

"You're not much better, you know. You haven't tried to get to know him."

"He hasn't made much effort to know me, either!" Harry protests. "You've been married for six years and I don't think he's ever even spoken directly to me."

"Harry, please," Lily sighs, sitting down on her bed, looking up at her son, so reminiscent of his father. "I know you don't like Severus, but I do."

"I know you do. I don't understand it, but I accept the fact. But it's hard for me to accept him as my stepfather when he so blatantly dislikes me."

Lily gently rubs her eyes, attempting to push the oncoming headache away. She understands why Severus acts the way he does towards Harry. She doesn't want to admit that he's anything less than kind, but she's not completely naïve. She knows that it's because Harry is so much like his father. So much like James. She keeps her eyes closed and she can picture him as though he's standing right in front of her. Sixteen years. She can hardly believe that it's been that long since he was killed. Since she was spared.

"Mum," Harry says, sitting down beside her and placing a hand on her back. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't, Harry," she assures him, smiling at him. "I was just thinking about…other things."

"Dad?" he asks, and she nods. Of course he knows that it's James that she's thinking about. He always seems to know. If James was there, everything would be different. If James was there, she wouldn't be married to Severus Snape. But it's because of Severus that she's there. It's because of Severus that she didn't die that night.

It's also because of Severus that she had to be saved in the first place. If he hadn't heard that prophecy, if he hadn't taken the information to Voldemort…. She stops that train of thought before it can go any further. She always stops it before it can go further. But the thought always pops into her mind every now and then, and she knows that eventually, she won't be able to stop the thought from fully forming. The idea that her new husband is the reason her first husband is dead.

"Mum," Harry says, and that snaps her out of it. She blinks a few times, looking at him, and then smiles. She hears the sound of someone arriving in the other room and she knows that it's Severus, and so does Harry. He smiles, standing up.

"I'm gonna go to my own room now," he says, starting to leave.

"Alright," she says to him, and he's gone moments before Severus is in the doorway.

"Were you talking to someone?" he asks her, and she shakes her head, not wanting him to know, think, or suspect that she and Harry were discussing his dislike towards him or talking briefly about James.

"No," she smiles. "You must be hearing things."

*

It took Lily ten years before she finally fully moved on from James. Ten years after he died before she remarried. She cried the morning of her second wedding. It wasn't that she didn't care for Severus, because she did. But she couldn't deny that James would always be the one true love of her life despite whether he was there or not. She knows that Severus knows. They don't talk about it. She thinks it's better that way.

*

It's late. Lily is awake, waiting. Harry's not home. It's late and he's not home and she doesn't know where he is because she can't remember him telling her that he was going out at all. And he's seventeen and can do whatever he wants and come home whenever he pleases, but she's worried. So she stays awake and waits.

"Lily?" comes Severus's voice from behind her. "Are you still awake?"

"Yes," she answers, not even looking at him.

"What are you doing? Why don't you come to bed? It's late."

"I'm waiting," she says.

"For what?"

"It doesn't matter," she tells him, knowing that he'll think she's being silly or overprotective, waiting up for her adult son.

"Lily," he says, and he sounds almost concerned.

"Don't worry about it," she says, finally looking over at him. "I'll come to bed in a little bit."

Severus hesitates, but finally he mumbles, "Okay," and he turns around, headed back towards their bedroom.

Almost as if on cue, Harry Apparates a few feet away from Lily with a wide grin on his face.

"It's late," she tells him sternly, but his grin doesn't even falter.

"Mum," he laughs. "Are you waiting up for me? I'm seventeen, you know!"

"Did you even tell me you were going out?" she asks.

"I dunno," he shrugs. "Did I?"

"I was worried. I didn't know where you were," she says.

"Don't worry about me so much, Mum. I can take care of myself. You know that."

"I'm your mother, Harry. No matter how well you can take care of yourself, I'm still going to worry. You know that."

"Fair enough," he smiles, then moves towards her, swooping down to hug her. "I'm going to bed now. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," she says. "I love you."

"Love you, too, Mum."

*

Lily notices how Severus never speaks to Harry the few times that they're in the same room together. She notices that he barely even looks at him. She tries not to notice, but she does.

She doesn't want to think that her husband dislikes her son. She reminds herself that Severus played a big role in finally getting rid of Voldemort more than five years after James died and she survived and she reminds herself that Severus helped in making the world a better place for Harry to grow up in. She reminds herself of this, trying to make it as some type of excuse. Because even if he does dislike him, at least he did that much for him. It hardly even makes sense to her, but it helps her. It helps her feel better about things. She doesn't really know how it helps, but it does.

*

"Can't you see it, Mum?" Harry asks, and Lily shoots him a stern glance, trying to tell him not to go on. She knows what he's talking about. She, Harry, and Severus have been sitting at the dinner table together for nearly a half hour and not once has Severus even looked up at Harry or acknowledged his presence at all.

"Severus?" she says, and he looks at her with raised eyebrows.

"Yes?"

She pauses, trying to think of how to word it, how to make it not sound like an accusation. She glances over at Harry and he simply shakes his head.

"Don't," he whispers, and she looks at Severus, still watching her, waiting for her to speak.

"Nevermind," she tells him.

"Are you alright, Lily?"

"Fine," she nods.

"Dinner is fantastic," he says, and she smiles.

"Thank you. Harry helped me," she says, wondering if maybe the mention of him will make Severus at least acknowledge him. But instead, Severus drops his fork with a loud clatter onto his plate.

"What?"

"Harry helped me with dinner," she says, growing angrier and angrier by the second. Why is he acting this way?

"Lily," he mutters, staring at her, searching her.

"What, Severus?" she demands. "Why are acting like this?"

"Lily," he says again, his voice reduced to a tiny whisper.

"What is wrong?" she asks him, yelling now. "Why do you treat him so badly?"

"Lily…. Harry's not here."

"What are you…," she starts, turning towards Harry, but her voice fades when she sees the empty chair, the empty spot, nobody.

"Lily?"

"I…," she whispers. "No."

Of course there's nobody there. Of course Harry is not sitting in that chair, eating dinner with them.

"He's not here," she breathes, remembering it all at once.

She was the only one that made it out of the house alive when Voldemort came for them. She was the only one that was spared.

Harry has been dead for sixteen years.

He's not there.