With out love where would you be now?

Johnny: we need to talk about something.

He sounded monotone and his face was blank.

Matt: yeah Johnny?

I had a feeling. A bad feeling.

Johnny: yesterday...when her brother said you, you were all over her.

He licked his lips nervously. I bit at my lip ring as my own nerves
started to show their face.

Johnny: what did he see?

I didn't know what to say.

Johnny: Matt...

Matt: I can't explain it anyway that it won't sound bad.

He looked down at Sara.

Matt: she didn't do anything wrong. We didn't do anything if you will
believe me.

His eyes met mine. I was not used to seeing Johnny this way. He's
usually happy always a dumb contagis smile on his face as gay as that
sounds. But now he was complete opposite.

Johnny: I don't.

I sighed.

Matt: I kissed her.

Johnny: why?

Once again I couldn't think of what to tell him. We sat there in
silence.

Johnny: did you ask her to come over?

Matt: no. She came over out of her own free will. I wasn't going to let
her sit outside of my window.

Johnny: what do you mean outside your window?

Matt: she climbed the side of my house. She's crazy.

He shook his head.

Johnny: look Matt....I seriously don't know what's going on with you
and Sara. I want to believe everything will be cool with you guys but I
know it won't. I want to believe that she only cares for me but she
doesn't. I wish there wasn't this awkward, hateful feeling between us. I
know Matt. I know.

He looked me in the eye. He knew. They all knew. How much I loved Sara.
How I fucked this all up. How I hated Johnny for getting what I
wanted. I waited to long. Johnny put a hand on my shoulder. A sympathetic
look now adorned his face.

Johnny: this is all my fuckin' fault I can deal with that. But I would
never take back any moment with Sara. Just like I know you wouldn't. I
love her. She is my everything. I mean she was willing to let me walk
away from the pregnancy. To let me "live" my life. But what kind of life
would I be living? A shitty one? One full of second chances? Sounds
like the life. The life that someone else can have. I just hate the fact
you and Sara couldn't have had what we have.

Matt: she was gonna let you walk away?

I asked shocked. He nodded.

Matt: and you didn't.

He shook his head.

Johnny: why would I leave her if I love her? I mean our situation is
not the best. Me being younger, us being young in general. I know what
all of you say. And to tell you the truth it doesn't bother me. I'm gonna
be a daddy and I'm happy.

He smiled weakly. A real smile though. True happiness shown through.
Despite how weak it was, he meant the emotion he was showing. This is why
Sara doesn't want what I want. Johnny is everything she wants. I am
everything she wanted.

End Matt's Pov.

I felt hands rub my tummy. Lightly calloused from working against steel
strings. Two faces were looking at me. The same feeling in both pair
of eyes. I smiled.

Sara: mornin'.

Johnny: morning to you too pancakes.

Matt just nodded.

Sara: sorry about coming over inconviently Matty.

He shrugged and looked away.

Sara: come on Yoni. Let's go back to my house and leave Matt alone.

Johnny: are you sure? I mean your brother...

He scratched the back of his neck. I nodded and got up.

Johnny: alrighty then.

I grabbed his hand.

Sara: thanks for everything Matty.

I leaned down and kissed his lips lightly. Johnny and Matt said their
wordless goodbye and we left.

Johnny: Pancakes he's hurtin'.

Sara: I know sweetheart. Those bruises look worse than I thought they
would.

Johnny: no Pancakes.

He squeezed my hand and looked me in the eye. His face full of concern.
I looked at the ground and nodded a bit. We entered my house quietly.

Mom: hola. Your brother is still asleep. There's food if you're hungry.

Sara: where are you going?

Mom: the store. Now that your brother is here we are gonna need more
food.

Sara: and dad?

Mom: work. Sofi is in her room.

Sara: ok.

She headed out. We made our way to my room but stopped at Sofi's. I
knocked.

Sofi: yeah?

I walked in. She was sitting on her bed watching t.v. She looked at me
and smiled a little.

Sofi: I was just going to get ready to take you clothes.

Sara: oh thanks. Mom went to get grocieries. If you need anything me
and Johnny will be in my room.

Sofi: ok Sara...is Matt ok?

I nodded.

Sara: covered in bruises but you know.

She nodded.

Sofi: hi Yoni.

Johnny: hey Sofi. How you been?

Sofi: ok...what do you think of my fat asshole brother?

Johnny: he's scary.

Sofi: don't be scared.

He gave her a yeah right look.

Sofi: if you act like you're not scared he only crap talks you. Right
Sara?

I nodded.

Johnny: I will try and remember that.

Sara: ok then babe we will leave you alone.

She smiled as we left. We entered my room. His arms wrapped around me.

Johnny: I missed you.

Sara: I missed you too.

I turned so I was facing him and kissed him.

Johnny: mmmm...I missed pancake kisses.

I smiled and kept kissing him. On his neck, his cheeks, his lips, the
corner of his mouth, hands, nose. His eyes were closed a content smile
on his face.

Johnny: you make it easy for me to be happy.

Sara: I'm glad.

I said while kissing his neck again. He put his hands on my hips. I
never did understand what had drawn me to Johnny. Probley his whole way at
looking at life. He just seems to make the hardest moments in life
easy. I guess life is only as hard as you make it. The next few days were
far from easy. My brother questioned every little thing I did. From
what I wore to what I ate. Right now he is watching me draw.

Mondo: what're you drawing?

Sara: nothing in paticular.

Mondo: your boyfriend...

Sara: what about him?

I didn't bother looking up.

Mondo: why? I mean you like him yeah but what about Matt?

Sara: what about Matt? Matt is Matt.

Mondo: you are having his baby.

I laughed a little and shook my head.

Sara: I thought you would have figured it out by now.

Mondo: figured out what?

Sara: Matt is a liar.

He frowned.

Mondo: what do you mean?

Sara: do you really think I would be with Johnny if I was having Matt's
baby? Do you think Johnny would be ok with it?

Mondo: well from what I've seen from Johnny he's pretty laid back. But
why would Matt say it was his?

I sighed.

Sara: he was...just cause he's Matt and my bestfriend. He knew Johnny
would hurt more than he would from the beating.

Mondo: sounds like Matt really cares about you. Like he always has. But
now he is showing it more.

I nodded. A silence filled my room.

Mondo: wait...so you're saying Johnny is the dad.

I nodded.

Mondo: that little shit got you pregnant? I'm gonna kill him.

Sara: and what will that do? Take it back?

Silence.

Sara: as bad as all this seems I'm happy. I wouldn't want any of it to
change.

Mondo: none of it?

Sara: well maybe a few things but not me getting pregnant or Johnny.
Everything happens for a reason.

Mondo: things happen because people let them.

Sara: whatever. Things can't be changed.

Mondo: I'm still going to kill him.

I shook my head.

Mondo: and Sanders for being a liar.

Sara: just stay out of it. All of it.

Mondo: I'm you're brother. I am not going to stay out of it.

Sara: this is my fuckin' shit to deal with. Nothing you say or do will
make me change what I want.

There was a knock. And in walked Matt.

Mondo: its the man of the hour.

Matt: hello. You enjoying being back home?

Mondo: I am.

Matt: good. Sara, how you feeling today?

Sara: good.

I put my hands on my belly.

Mondo: Matt, why did you lie to me?

Matt looked confused.

Mondo: the baby...its not yours.

Matt glanced at me.

Matt: no. I didn't want Johnny to get his ass beat. Plus I deserved it
any.

Mondo: and why is that?

Matt: I'm stupid? And...you caught me on your sister.

Mondo: good answer. Well I've got things todo. I will be back later.

He got up and walked out. I think my brother might be bipolar. Matt
closed the door and just stood there.

Sara: what did you want Matt?

Matt: everyone was going out tonight and to talk about some things...

His bruises were still there mocking me. Reminding me of words spoken.
Actions that were made.

Sara: what kinds of things?

Matt: me and Johnny talked the other day.

Sara: yeah he told me.

I looked at my hands. Johnny hadn't come around much for the past few
days. One of the major reasons it hadn't been easy. I'm thinking it was
cause he was a bit upset about the situation between me and Matt. Or
perhaps it was cause of my brother. Though he was good at hiding it, I
knew something wasn't right.The weight shifted on my bed. I looked up
into Matt's eyes.

Sara: he hasn't been around that much.

I shrugged. Matt looked upset.

Matt: its my fault. I just wanted to be honest. He knows.

Sara: I think he is just being careful cause of my brother. Atleast I
hope that's why.

Matt: were you really going to just let him walk away?

He asked quietly. I nodded.

Matt: why?

Sara: he's a kid.

He shook his head.

Sara: I didn't want to be the reason he never made it. That you guys
never made it. I was going to detach myself from the group. Let you guys
move on. Without me.

Matt: that's stupid. How could you hold the whole group back?

Sara: look at what's going on around us. You, my brother, Johnny...

I sighed.

Matt: that's selfish. What about everyone else? You were going to just
drop us? Like we were nothing? I can't believe you would consider that.
What about me? You would never want to talk to me? See me? What would
our group be without Sara Sanchez? What would Jenn be without her? What
about Johnny? Who would Brian fight with? Who would Jimmy tease about
height? Who would feed Zack? And who would love me no matter what shit
we've been through or hell I've caused. Who would love me if you
weren't around?

Sara: I haven't left Matt. I told you I wouldn't...

His arms wrapped around me.

Matt: we wouldn't be the same without you. Johnny blames himself.

Sara: for what?

Matt: me and you. Not being what we used to. He sees the fake smiles
and shit.