‹ Prequel: The Way I Loved You
Lovers Lost In Space
Too Long Since I've Been Home
It was the second to last day at the studio and already I was worried shitless. Not because there was a little writers block stopping me causing mounds of stress to finish the record on time. No, for the most part all songs were written and just needed a little changing around, which was already being done for three songs.
I guess I wasn't worried, I was having separation issues. Grace had been with me on every trip that we made as a band, but this time I left her home. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I had to for the sake of clearing my mind and for the sake of the band.
Tim asked for just this one time to have her stay home.
He said it wasn’t something that she should be going to, even though she had already been exposed to the 30 hour bus rides from one place to another, seeing various cities and a different country. She’d been exposed to so much loud music, loud people, and of course she was exposed to the clear idea of what daddy does for a living. She needed to stay home in a place where it was more stable for her.
Although Grace isn’t completely understanding it, she knew when it was time for me to go for pretty much a month. Just seeing the look on her face as we all packed up into the small van that we cherished, broke my heart. But Tim was right, she need to stay in a more stable home unlike the bus, and though we were getting an apartment for the month, it wouldn’t be right. Only because I'd feel more compelled and focused on her rather than what we, I, had to do to get everything finished.
And that is where my separation issues began to kick in. Spending that much time around my daughter only to not being around her, waking up in the middle of the night because she was scared to not having to but still doing it for the sake of routine. All it was something I had to learn to do only to have to learn how not to do it.
I sat in the recording studio waiting for Jarred to finish recording his guitar parts, as I re-wrote a few lyrics to the song that was in the middle of being recorded. There were parts that didn’t sound right or didn’t fit, but it was something that I had been kicking myself each night trying to get off my chest, but I didn't know how to really word it to match what I felt inside.
The whole song masked everything that I had felt in the past year and what my future was soon becoming. This is where I poured most of my heart then keeping it locked up in the confines of my heart and head. However, I was ready to share my heart with the whole world.
I was staring at the sheet of paper in my hand, chewing softly at the end of my pen when my phone began ringing. It was at that moment, when I realized that everything I had just re-written was perfect.
An instant smile graced my face as I hit the answer button.
“Hey, how‘s my girl doing?” The soft giggle in the background made my heart skip a beat. “Well it depends, who you consider to be girl.”
“Well you know that’s always going to be a tie between you and Gracie.” I replied back.
She sighed in a sarcastic defeat and I could see the smile tugging at her lips as she said, “Well you know it is a great honor to share the first place spot with this little munchkin!”
The sound of Grace laughing was just something different. It made me proud to be her father, made me proud that I had her in my life. Even more so it made me proud that I had a girl such as Emilia to be there for her when I couldn’t.
“I miss you both very much.” I whispered as silence washed over us.
I waited for her response thinking that she may have hung up, but the sigh reassured me she was still on the phone.
“We miss you too. A lot, we wish we were there to be with you."
"I know I wish you both were here. I can't wait to be home to have you back in my arms and play with my little girl." I sighed, running my hand through my hair. "I feel like such a failure and terrible person leaving you guys."
Her voice got stern, but it made me smile. "John O'Callaghan don't you ever say that again! You are a great father and a great guy. No matter what, we'll always be home with big smiles and open arms when you get back from tour, recording, anything!"
At that moment I knew my life was complete.
I guess I wasn't worried, I was having separation issues. Grace had been with me on every trip that we made as a band, but this time I left her home. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I had to for the sake of clearing my mind and for the sake of the band.
Tim asked for just this one time to have her stay home.
He said it wasn’t something that she should be going to, even though she had already been exposed to the 30 hour bus rides from one place to another, seeing various cities and a different country. She’d been exposed to so much loud music, loud people, and of course she was exposed to the clear idea of what daddy does for a living. She needed to stay home in a place where it was more stable for her.
Although Grace isn’t completely understanding it, she knew when it was time for me to go for pretty much a month. Just seeing the look on her face as we all packed up into the small van that we cherished, broke my heart. But Tim was right, she need to stay in a more stable home unlike the bus, and though we were getting an apartment for the month, it wouldn’t be right. Only because I'd feel more compelled and focused on her rather than what we, I, had to do to get everything finished.
And that is where my separation issues began to kick in. Spending that much time around my daughter only to not being around her, waking up in the middle of the night because she was scared to not having to but still doing it for the sake of routine. All it was something I had to learn to do only to have to learn how not to do it.
I sat in the recording studio waiting for Jarred to finish recording his guitar parts, as I re-wrote a few lyrics to the song that was in the middle of being recorded. There were parts that didn’t sound right or didn’t fit, but it was something that I had been kicking myself each night trying to get off my chest, but I didn't know how to really word it to match what I felt inside.
The whole song masked everything that I had felt in the past year and what my future was soon becoming. This is where I poured most of my heart then keeping it locked up in the confines of my heart and head. However, I was ready to share my heart with the whole world.
I was staring at the sheet of paper in my hand, chewing softly at the end of my pen when my phone began ringing. It was at that moment, when I realized that everything I had just re-written was perfect.
An instant smile graced my face as I hit the answer button.
“Hey, how‘s my girl doing?” The soft giggle in the background made my heart skip a beat. “Well it depends, who you consider to be girl.”
“Well you know that’s always going to be a tie between you and Gracie.” I replied back.
She sighed in a sarcastic defeat and I could see the smile tugging at her lips as she said, “Well you know it is a great honor to share the first place spot with this little munchkin!”
The sound of Grace laughing was just something different. It made me proud to be her father, made me proud that I had her in my life. Even more so it made me proud that I had a girl such as Emilia to be there for her when I couldn’t.
“I miss you both very much.” I whispered as silence washed over us.
I waited for her response thinking that she may have hung up, but the sigh reassured me she was still on the phone.
“We miss you too. A lot, we wish we were there to be with you."
"I know I wish you both were here. I can't wait to be home to have you back in my arms and play with my little girl." I sighed, running my hand through my hair. "I feel like such a failure and terrible person leaving you guys."
Her voice got stern, but it made me smile. "John O'Callaghan don't you ever say that again! You are a great father and a great guy. No matter what, we'll always be home with big smiles and open arms when you get back from tour, recording, anything!"
At that moment I knew my life was complete.
♠ ♠ ♠
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