Letters to Angelo.
13.7.1975
Dear Angelo,
I've been told by many people not to hold in what I think, and to let it all out or i'll explode.
So I've decided to let it all out on here, rather than burdening someone. I know you're technically not real, and I doubt I even have a guardian angel anyway, but I thought I might aswell give it a go.
Lately, I've been feeling down for no reason, losing my appetite, and getting stressed and annoyed of the stupidest things. I know it is really bad. But I really can't be bothered about sorting it out. I mean, It'll all just happen again.
I have no idea why this is happening. I get paranoid over the stupidest things, and then end up getting upset, and then I just end up listening to sad music, which makes it worse, and I try to make myself happy again, but it fails. And I don't wanna complain to people, because I complain too much. I always feel stupid, and people are always getting annoyed at me.
I LOVE my friends, and I know it is awful, but i always feel envious of one of them.
I mean like :
- with exams, their parents are happy if they try their best, but mine aren't. I have to be little miss A* better than everyone else.
- They are all prettier than me, and I'm not just saying that. They actually are.
- They have more confidence than me, and I know I sound like a self-piting jealous bitch, but it's true.
- They are lucky, guys have liked them. They are attractive, beautiful girls, and I always feel really inferior to them when boys are concerned. The worst thing is that I am always going to be slightly envious of Clair. I know she didn't choose it, but she will ALWAYS be Gabe's preference. If her boyfriend was deleted from the picture, he'd forget about me. He'll always have feelings that are stronger for her. And now I sound like a total bitch. And I s'pose I must be one.
I hate always feeling worse than everyone else. I half blame my dad. He expects so much from me, for me to be an A* pupil, to go to Cambridge Universitiy, Get destinctions in all my music grades, for me to better than everyone else, WHEN I JUST CAN'T!
I keep getting pissed off when people say "I'm ugly" "I'm fat" when they aren't. I know I'm not fat, but I have so many bad qualities and so many flaws that it doesn't matter if I'm skinny ; people will be driven away by my repulsive personality.
People say I'm negative. I know I am. I always have been. I can't help it. I am what I am. And it's a shame. Because I don't like her one bit.
She's annoying, everything has to be about her, she ignores other people's feelings, she acts like a fool all the time, she worries to much, sometimes she cares to much, she cares to much about what other people think about her, she critizes people, she lets people down, she gives up to easily, she is just COLD.
And I repulse myself, how in god's name will anyone else even want to know me?
It's a bloody miracle i have any friends at all.
I feel so angry when people complain about their lives, I know people have it worse than me, but some people don't have anything to complain about. I mean, like, sure, it must be hard for Abby with her dad getting remarried and such, but she shouldn't be acting like he hates her just because of her step-sister. I've met her step sister, and she's not that bad; there's no way that she's trying to take her place or turn her father against her. But yet Abby still sits and calls her 'the devil reincarnate'. Her step-mother is a bit annoying I grant you that, but it's not like she's got it bad. If she asks her dad for something, she gets it. She doesn't get beaten [then again, neither does Pansy, but that's a completely different story, I mean, who say's they get beaten and draws on fake cuts and bruises for attention?!] and she get's food on her plate. She's just so ungrateful!
Half the time i don't wanna speak to people. I wanna sit and whine and moan and shut out the world. Music up as loud as I can, until I get that buzzing feeling in my ear and the pain in my head which is a sign of another headache. The drum beat begins to hurt my brain, and I can finally sleep because I feel so drained.
But yeah, I have a great life. Sometimes people should look past the smiles and laughs. How can I say nothing's wrong, when nothing's right?
I say it. I say it because, I don't want people to worry. I don't want people to get annoyed by my constant downers. I don't wanna be the reason that people get pissed off, or have that as the reason for people not to want to talk to me.
Sometimes I feel bad that I'm so different to the person people see, but i'd rather have it that way.
It's strange. I can't be bothered with anyone at the moment. I just can't. People don't really want to talk to me, so yeah.
I know you aren't reading this Angelo. But if you are, I'm sorry you have to guard such a nutcase.
See you soon? Well, I won't, so i'll just leave it with a simple goodbye.
Lily
I've been told by many people not to hold in what I think, and to let it all out or i'll explode.
So I've decided to let it all out on here, rather than burdening someone. I know you're technically not real, and I doubt I even have a guardian angel anyway, but I thought I might aswell give it a go.
Lately, I've been feeling down for no reason, losing my appetite, and getting stressed and annoyed of the stupidest things. I know it is really bad. But I really can't be bothered about sorting it out. I mean, It'll all just happen again.
I have no idea why this is happening. I get paranoid over the stupidest things, and then end up getting upset, and then I just end up listening to sad music, which makes it worse, and I try to make myself happy again, but it fails. And I don't wanna complain to people, because I complain too much. I always feel stupid, and people are always getting annoyed at me.
I LOVE my friends, and I know it is awful, but i always feel envious of one of them.
I mean like :
- with exams, their parents are happy if they try their best, but mine aren't. I have to be little miss A* better than everyone else.
- They are all prettier than me, and I'm not just saying that. They actually are.
- They have more confidence than me, and I know I sound like a self-piting jealous bitch, but it's true.
- They are lucky, guys have liked them. They are attractive, beautiful girls, and I always feel really inferior to them when boys are concerned. The worst thing is that I am always going to be slightly envious of Clair. I know she didn't choose it, but she will ALWAYS be Gabe's preference. If her boyfriend was deleted from the picture, he'd forget about me. He'll always have feelings that are stronger for her. And now I sound like a total bitch. And I s'pose I must be one.
I hate always feeling worse than everyone else. I half blame my dad. He expects so much from me, for me to be an A* pupil, to go to Cambridge Universitiy, Get destinctions in all my music grades, for me to better than everyone else, WHEN I JUST CAN'T!
I keep getting pissed off when people say "I'm ugly" "I'm fat" when they aren't. I know I'm not fat, but I have so many bad qualities and so many flaws that it doesn't matter if I'm skinny ; people will be driven away by my repulsive personality.
People say I'm negative. I know I am. I always have been. I can't help it. I am what I am. And it's a shame. Because I don't like her one bit.
She's annoying, everything has to be about her, she ignores other people's feelings, she acts like a fool all the time, she worries to much, sometimes she cares to much, she cares to much about what other people think about her, she critizes people, she lets people down, she gives up to easily, she is just COLD.
And I repulse myself, how in god's name will anyone else even want to know me?
It's a bloody miracle i have any friends at all.
I feel so angry when people complain about their lives, I know people have it worse than me, but some people don't have anything to complain about. I mean, like, sure, it must be hard for Abby with her dad getting remarried and such, but she shouldn't be acting like he hates her just because of her step-sister. I've met her step sister, and she's not that bad; there's no way that she's trying to take her place or turn her father against her. But yet Abby still sits and calls her 'the devil reincarnate'. Her step-mother is a bit annoying I grant you that, but it's not like she's got it bad. If she asks her dad for something, she gets it. She doesn't get beaten [then again, neither does Pansy, but that's a completely different story, I mean, who say's they get beaten and draws on fake cuts and bruises for attention?!] and she get's food on her plate. She's just so ungrateful!
Half the time i don't wanna speak to people. I wanna sit and whine and moan and shut out the world. Music up as loud as I can, until I get that buzzing feeling in my ear and the pain in my head which is a sign of another headache. The drum beat begins to hurt my brain, and I can finally sleep because I feel so drained.
But yeah, I have a great life. Sometimes people should look past the smiles and laughs. How can I say nothing's wrong, when nothing's right?
I say it. I say it because, I don't want people to worry. I don't want people to get annoyed by my constant downers. I don't wanna be the reason that people get pissed off, or have that as the reason for people not to want to talk to me.
Sometimes I feel bad that I'm so different to the person people see, but i'd rather have it that way.
It's strange. I can't be bothered with anyone at the moment. I just can't. People don't really want to talk to me, so yeah.
I know you aren't reading this Angelo. But if you are, I'm sorry you have to guard such a nutcase.
See you soon? Well, I won't, so i'll just leave it with a simple goodbye.
Lily