Opposites Attract

It's been five years since I knew for sure. I don't remember when it all started. The feelings just came at me like a hundred bullets. Shot after shot, every smile of his, every touch after blissful touch...

I remember the exact moment that I knew for sure, though. Summer camp, age 11. Doesn't stuff like this always happen at camp?

We were best friends, have been since 1st grade. Well, not exactly. I got mad at him for taking the last swing at recess, so I shoved him out of it and took the swing. He got mad and shoved me out, and next thing I know, the teacher is breaking up our little shove fest and putting us in time out. We hated each other for days after that. Then during recess, this kid Donnie was gonna eat a bug. All the girls were grossed out, all the guys were cheering him on. At the same time, he and I both said "I bet he pukes." We stared at each other. For some reason, we bonded over that. What can I say, boys love gross things.

But back to camp. We were supposed to be riding canoes one day. I couldn't swim, and I was freaking out. All the older boys kept saying that we were gonna fall in, and the lake monster would drag us to the bottom so we would drown. Now, I'm no wuss. But I've never been good with water. At all. Not since my mom...

Well anyway, I was scared shitless. We were paired up, and luckily I got my friend. He was always there to help me. The counselors had to force me into the canoe (something I will never get over, so they better watch out if I ever come back to camp). When we got to the middle of the lake, I was shaking. He looked over at me with comforting eyes and wrapped me in a hug. I leaned against his chest as he whispered to me, "Nothing's gonna hurt you as long as I'm here for you. I'll never let you drown, Seanie. I'll never let you drown."

He's tried his best to keep his promise. When we were growing up, he'd stand up to bullies for me. Unfortunately, he was smaller and skinner than all of them, and he was not intimidating. So, I assumed the role of bully basher. I was happy to be able protect him, my protector.

He got himself in a lot of fights, mainly because he was always so out there, so open with his feelings. He always spoke his mind. And he got us in a lot of trouble in doing so. But I didn't mind. I enjoyed every single moment with him.

When my mom died, he was there for me. He let me cry on his shoulder, even if it lasted for hours. I hated crying in front of him. I felt so weak. I was supposed to protect him like he did for me, but I feel like I never could. He's the emotionally strong type. I'm just a bunch of muscles. "Calm down, meat head," or "Ooo, Hulk mad!" he'd tease. I was never good at expressing my feelings. Except anger. I'm really good at that.

He lets me rage, though. Even when I go off on him, he doesn't get mad. He just has that same comforting look for a moment, then it's gone, and he lets me yell and scream all I want. I've even punched a wall once. But I've never hurt him. I could never hurt that boy.

I'm not perfect. I get borderline D grades in school. He just shakes his head and tries to help me study, but face it - I'm useless at school. Now gym was always my strong suit. That and video games, but apparently you don't get a grade in that.

He puts up with me. I never understand why.

I'm not smart.

I have a bad temper... occasionally.

I'm so weak sometimes.

I always complain.

And I always seem to get him mixed up in some type of mess, just like the messes he got himself in by yelling at bullies. Maybe he just feels sorry for me. You can't help but assume that when he looks at you sometimes. He just has that soft face that seems so apologetic, even when he didn't do anything wrong. He makes you feel so inferior without even trying. It's like talking to an angel - can you really compete with that?

He's just so... perfect.

He's my best friend.

And even though we're best friends, I've been keeping some major secrets from him.

One of them is about my dad. I mean, he knows my home life isn't that great. We don't bring in a lot of money, and things really haven't been the same without my mom. But he doesn't know what really happens when the front door closes. I don't want to tell him. I don't need him feeling any more sorry for me.

And then there is the biggest one of all. The one that I can never tell him in a million years.

I'm in love with him.

I'm in love with my best friend.

But he'll never know that.

After all, I was never good at expressing how I feel.