Opposites Attract

A crash upstairs knocked me out of my stupor.

Shit, Cory please be okay.

I ran upstairs and nearly yanked the doorknob out of the bathroom door. There were shampoo bottles knocked on the floor and the shower curtain was ripped halfway off the bar. Cory was crouched in the corner, trying unsuccessfully to bring air into his lungs.

I sighed and opened the medicine cabinet, grabbed his inhaler and handed it to him. I knew he'd need it. Something this intense was bound to make him hyperventilate. He hastily brought the inhaler to his lips and took his medicine. Cory's had asthma for as long as I can remember, and he never lets it slow him down.

But in honesty, I think his world just came to a screeching halt.

His breathing was slowly going back to normal. Of course he wasn't looking me in the eyes - I wouldn't expect him to.

I didn't do anything wrong. He kissed me. I went along with it - I would've been crazy not to. But even so, I knew I had to talk as if the whole thing was my fault.

"I'm sorry, Cor. It's alright. It's over now - nobody's mad at anyone. Can you breathe okay?"

He nodded.

"That's good. Do you need me to get your mom?"

He shook his head no.

"Alright then. You just let yourself calm down, okay? I'll be downstairs when you're alright again. And don't worry, I'll clean up the mess. Just... relax, alright?" I sighed, trying to sound comforting. I closed the door without looking back at him.

Just relax, Sean. Just relax.

Turn the table upright. Put the magazines back on the table in order of date just like Mrs. Barnes likes it. Stack the DVDs back on top of the TV. Find the remote, put the batteries back in, place it on the table. Turn off the TV. Reposition the couch. Clean up the empty pizza box, plates and cups. Tie up the full garbage bag and put it on the curb. Go back inside, wash my hands, and sit on the couch.

I've been in this house so many times. I wish I could say it felt like home. I've never felt like I was really welcome here. Sure, Mrs. Barnes was usually a nice woman, but she always gave me this judging look when I got too close to Cory, when we wrestled too much, when I said something that wasn't "age-appropriate". She loved me like one of her own kids, I know. But I can tell she feels like I've always been a bad influence on Cory. If anything, it's the exact opposite.

Cory was the force that made me want to stand out - he always seemed so confident and sure of himself. I wanted to feel like that. He encouraged me to say what was on my mind. Unfortunately, it got a little out of hand, and well, now I mouth off to teachers everyday. I know when to keep my mouth shut, though. When I talk to Cory's parents, or my dad, or when I want to just tell Cory how I feel. I've taught myself to keep that information in my heart and never reveal it.

I try not to wonder what will happen when Cory gets out of the bathroom. It'll only bring me heartache and disappointment. Cory isn't one to deal with problems.

He runs away.

And never looks back.

I pray that he will never do that to me.

But something... some little nagging thing keeps making me think that... maybe someday...

I shake my head and lie down. Stop thinking, Sean. The more you think about it, the angrier you'll get. Instead, I just closed my eyes and ended up falling asleep.

***

Three a.m. Three in the morning I woke up to my nightmare.

Cory was lying on the couch next to me, asleep. He was shaking, so I figured he was having a bad dream. I pulled the blanket over him and rubbed his arm. He started whimpering. At first I couldn't hear him. But I heard this part loud and clear.

"It was a mistake, Sean. It never should've happened..."

My heart stopped.

I took in a shaky breath and laid back down on the couch, trying my best to get back to sleep.

I never found sleep again that night.

I was too busy having my nightmare come true.

My best friend probably hates me now.

Who could blame him? He has every right to hate a fag like me.

I closed my eyes, a lump forming in my throat. I felt a drop fall on my hand. "You're nothing but a fag. Such a stupid little fag. To think you came from my gene pool. Where did I go wrong with you?"

It's all my fault, dad. I never should have felt this way, I never should've said anything. I ruined everything.

***

Cory and I barely said two words to each other on Saturday. Mrs. Barnes quickly noticed this and began asking too many questions - it wasn't normal for us to be like this. Cory gave single word sentences. I was silent. If I talked, my voice would only crack again and then I'd cry in front of them, and that is something I refuse to do right now.

Things were just too awkward, so I left soon after breakfast. When I got home, my dad was passed out on the couch. At least he had a good night. I went up to my room and stared at the ceiling for what was probably hours. By the time Monday rolled around, I had probably slept a total of five hours the whole weekend, so I was officially a zombie.

"Come on, Mr. McClean! Where's your enthusiasm?!" Mr. Sinclair pretty much yelled in my ear.
"At home sleeping, which I should be doing."

He slid my arm from under my chin and let my head fall on the desk. I wasn't fazed.

"Sean, I don't allow sleeping in my class."
"I'm not asleep. I haven't slept since Friday. I don't think I can get to sleep."
"Good lord, son. What were you doing over the weekend - not that it's any of my business."
I looked over at Cory, who only stared at his notebook like he expected it to do tricks or something.
"I didn't do anything, sir. I didn't do anything wrong."
He looked at me confused as the bell rang. I slid out of my chair, but Mr. Sinclair stopped me from going any further.
"You have lunch now right, Sean?"
"Yeah. What, do I have detention or something? I'm sorry for being so tired." I yawned at the end.
"No no you aren't in trouble. I just thought you could take a nap in here. I don't have another class right now, so you could relax in here until the next bell."

Relax. Such a beautiful, impossible dream.

"I won't get in trouble?"
"Of course not, Sean. You just stay in here. I've got to go to the teacher's lounge for a second, but you're welcome to stay here for a while. Just don't drool on the desks."
I nodded and fell back in my chair. He shook his head and closed the door behind him as he left.

I suppose this was a decent thing for him to do. Not many teachers here actually care about the students. Maybe I don't really hate him as much as I thought I did. Why did I hate him again? I yawned.

An image of Cory flashed through my head. Oh yeah, that's why. I groaned and laid my head down on the desk.

I didn't do anything wrong. So why does my best friend hate me? I know why my dad hates me. He hates me for being gay. I thought he would be understanding and comforting. I thought he'd be alright with it. Boy, was I wrong. We were inseparable before I told him the truth, and now he can't even look at me without disgust. I don't want anyone else hating me. But now my best friend hates me, and I didn't even have to do anything to screw it up.

Maybe I shouldn't have kissed back. Maybe I should've just let him kiss me and not do anything. Things might have been better right now if I had just lay there like a board, but no. I lost control for a split second, and now my life is ruined.

Never slip up, Sean. Slip up and you're screwed.

***

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?!" Zephrinity screamed in our ears. Cory winced but I just shook my head. I had managed to get in some sleep during lunch, but I was late for my next class. Mr. Sinclair was nice enough to write me a note.

I decided I shouldn't hate him anymore. After all, it wasn't right for me to claim what isn't even mine. I don't own Cory. Even if he was gay, he has every right to like who he likes, and obviously that will never be me.

"Aw you guys won't tell me anything! It's like you're on a whole other planet. Like you can't even hear me! Why do you always ignore me like-"
"Zephrinity, just shut up!" Cory barked.
Zephy and I both blinked at him, shocked. He kicked up some freshly fallen snow. His face was visibly angry, even behind that long dark hair of his.
"Cory and I are just a little tired, that's all Zephrinity. We didn't really get enough sleep after our sleepover."
She stared at me, then at Cory and back to me. "Did you two switch places or something?!"
I face-palmed. Cory just dug his hands deeper into his coat pockets.
"No, Zephy, we're fine. Just a little out of it. Maybe we should all just go home, get some more rest."
Zephy stared at Cory, then nodded. We all went our separate ways.

***

I see him clearly. I know he's doing it. I don't know why, maybe it's just to torture me.

I know he flirts with Mr. Sinclair. I know Mr. Sinclair sees it too. But he doesn't say anything. He just looks at me nervously, then goes back to the lesson.

It's weird watching your best friend flirt with someone. Isn't it supposed to make you jealous? Angry? I don't feel that. I don't even feel upset. I feel nothing.

My feelings haven't changed for Cory. I don't think I'll ever stop loving that beautiful boy. But something has changed. I don't know what it is.

"Mr. Sinclair," I stated in class, not really meaning to say it out loud.
He looked up from his clipboard. "Yes, Sean?"
"Why do you dress like that?"
He blinked and looked down at his clothes.

He wore a navy pinstriped suit, similar to the one he wore on his first day here. And he also wore a pair of Converse shoes. That almost never changed about his outfit.

"Because it's what I like to wear. It makes me feel comfortable."
"How does a suit and sneakers make you feel comfortable? That's so contrasting."
He smiled. "I like mixing business with pleasure. That's why I teach."
"I'll pretend to understand what you just said."
He smiled and shook his head.

"Hey Sean." I heard someone whisper. I turned; Cory was staring at me.
"Are you talking to me again?"
"I'm sorry, Sean. I didn't mean to get mad at you. You didn't do anything."
I sighed. "Whatever, Cory."
"Are you mad at me?"
"When have I ever been mad at you? It's impossible."
He smiled a little, then looked at his hands. "Um, Sean. About the kiss-"
"Didn't happen."
"Huh?"
"You wanted to pretend that it didn't happen. You didn't say anything about, you got frustrated - obviously you don't want to talk about it."
"What, that's not what I-"
"Gentlemen, please. If you must talk, then talk about history. Talk about the French and Indian War, the Articles of Confederation, the Revolutionary War - something related to US History."
I just shrugged. The bell rang, but of course I was asked to stay after class. What surprised me was that Cory stayed as well.

"Boys, I'm not trying to be a hard-ass here, but you two have really let your grades slip in this class. Cory, you have a C, and Sean, you don't want to know what you have."
"Hey, we all knew it was coming."
"Uh huh. Well it's going back where it came from. I'm not letting you two fail this class. It's clear that class just doesn't engage you. And I despise extra credit that comes straight from Google. So I think I figured out a way to get you back on track. You two are going to be my new assistants."
"Which means?"
"I'll need your help with moving things between classrooms, grading papers, stuff like that. You'll report here after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You'll leave at 5. And you still have to write an essay for full credit."
"Aren't there such things as child-labor laws?" Cory sighed.
"You know, it's amazing the things you all come up with when you aren't thinking about my class." He got up, ruffled our hair, and left the room.
"Sean, I-"
"It was a mistake, Cory."
I left the room.