Take It, Break It, or Lose It

I led Jason upstairs, forgetting about my friends. I turned for the kitchen. I got a bit lightheaded from the hike up the stair and felt my legs wobble, but alcohol is the only help I can get. I made myself a strong drink. I don’t care if I passed out tonight. It would be better if I did.

Jason followed quietly, grabbing himself a beer and we walked out onto the back patio. It was a huge yard, but there weren’t that many people out there. We sat down on the steps of the deck.

It was hot out, but the breeze was cool and refreshing. I sighed, “It’s nice out, huh?” I took a gulp of my drink, letting it go down slowly. It was a different kind of burning as it went down, warming me.

“Yeah,” Jason said, leaning back on the steps with one arms.

I took another sip. It made me feel a bit sick and twisted. Would it be wrong if said I liked it? Nonetheless, it still made me feel airy and numb. I lean back against the banister and I looked up into the clear sky. The stars were dim and the moon was nothing but a sad sliver in the darkness.

“Devi, are you okay? Is there something bothering you?” Jason asked, sounding worried.

I turned to look at him, feeling my head spin a little. “I’m fine. Why do you ask?” I tried to sound as casual as possible.

“Seems like there’s something on your mind, the party a couple of days ago and today, you’ve been drinking a lot,” he said gently, his green eyes boring into my hazel ones.

I shrugging, forcing a crooked smile. He caught me by surprise. Mia and Sara didn’t even notice but somehow he did. Nate didn’t either. “No, I just like to drink. It just makes the fun more fun, you know?”

Jason chuckled, “Guess so.” He took a sip from his beer bottle.

“You don’t like a girl that drinks so much?” I questioned, my intentions unknown.

“I like a girl that can handle her alcohol.” A shy smirk spread across his lips.

I smiled, “I believe I’m one.” Or at least I've had a lot of practice lately.

“Well then, that makes you my type,” he smiled.

“Oh? And I like a guy that can handle me,” I said with a smirk before bringing my cup to my lips again. From over the rim of the cup, I saw him lean towards me, his eyes fixed on mine. He reached his hand out and took hold of my cup, slowing taking it from me. I swallowed quickly and the alcohol went down hard. He set my drink down, managing to never breaking eye contract with me. It was like my soul was being sucked in through his eyes.

Jason placed his hand on my cheek, caressing it gently. His hand was so warm that I couldn’t help but lean into it. He leaned in closer to me and I could feel his hot breath brush against my face. My chest felt heavy with my quickened heart. I knew what he was going to do.

His lips met mine with tenderness. The kisses soon turned into eager ones. I wrapped my arms around his neck, deepening our lip lock. This wasn’t like prom night, the last time we’ve kisses. I actually wanted him to kiss me this time. I wanted to feel his presence, his warmth.

He wrapped one arm around my waist, drawing me closer to him. His lips were so soft even though they were moving roughly against mine. I wanted him to hold me tighter. I wanted to be swallowed up by his warmth. I wanted him... For a split second, I wasn’t kissing Jason. I was imagining Nate.

I felt my chest sink, dipping down into my bottomless core. I continued to kiss Jason. The thought of Nate make me sick. I want Jason, dammit! My hands clenched into balls behind Jason’s head. I pictured Nate again. I remembered the time we kissed.

It was a couple of nights ago at the party right after prom. Everyone was a little drunk and having fun –expect me. I was wasted and nowhere near having fun, but I put on a brave face and pretended like nothing was wrong. Sometimes, I surprise myself with my acting skills.

It was late into the night and there weren’t many people left. I turned the corner in the hallway, wobbling, and I bumped into Nate –literally, but unintentionally.

“Whoa, girl,” Nate said, steadying me. “How much did you drink?”

I leaned against the wall. My whole body was numb and my head felt like as if it was floating on helium. “Not a lot,” I mumbled.

“You know you shouldn’t drink so much, you’re a light weight.”

“Am not. I can drink more than you,” I said, squinting to focus my eyes.

Nate laughed, “Doubt that, muffin.”

I felt my heart tighten in his mental grasp. He hasn’t called me that in a while. We actually haven’t talked much lately either.

“Now do you want me to piggyback you or just drag you down the hall?” Nate asked.

I just stared at him, trying to focus on his handsome face. I hadn't noticed it, but I was half-way sliding down the wall.

“I’ll be nice. The piggy can use my back,” he teased.

My chest ached. He was acting like he always had, always teasing me, but still kind no matter what.

He turned his back to me and pulled my arm over his shoulder. “Wait,” I called out. “Stop,” I tried to push away, but only fell back against the wall.

Nate turned around, letting go of my hand. “What’s wrong?”

I froze, letting my hand rest on his shoulder. He was leaning so close to me, no more than half a foot. I could feel his hot breath caress my face.

“Devi?” Nate asked. His brow pulled together in a worried furrow.

I pulled him down to me and leaned in to kiss him. It sent an indescribable tingling sensation throughout my body. I felt light. The alcohol gave me the courage and the insane idea itself and I tried to take advantage of the fact that he and Nichol were fighting. All that aside, I knew for a fact –75% confidence– that he kissed me back for a few seconds before he pushed me away.

The jolt made my head spin out of control. I leaned back against the wall and held my hand to my brow, half in shame and half in pain. My head was pounding like crazy.

“Devi, what was that?” Nate asked, sounding flustered and something else. Angry? I couldn't tell from just his voice.

Oh crap, what have I done? Liquid courage? Shit. I felt my stomach drop to my feet and twist. I started tilting over, sliding against the wall and Nate steadied me. I didn’t know how to answer him so I did something sly: I pretended to pass out. Thankfully, Nate caught me. “God, Devi….” I heard him mumble before he picked me up effortlessly and set me on the couch, where it didn’t take long for me to actually go unconscious.

It was great that I got to kiss Nate and that there was a likely chance that he kissed me back, but the way it was done and the situation in which I did it in just took all the joy out of it. How am I to face him now?

I pulled my lips away from Jason. He was surprised by my abruptness. “I’m sorry,” I said. I had just wanted someone. I wanted to feel something, anything that wasn’t Nathan related. I was sick of feeling jealous, confused and angry with myself. “I can’t do this.”

For a moment, Jason was silent with disbelief. “I thought you liked me,” he said, confused.

I was too, even more so. “I do, but it can’t work out, not now. I have other things going on now that I have to deal with. I- I’m sorry. I- You’re a great guy, Jason. You can do way better than this mess.”

Jason stared at me, not knowing what to say.

“I’m sorry,” I said lastly as I got up. I grabbed my drink off the steps and headed inside. Don't say anything else. You should just be angry and forget about me.