I Am Invincible

I’m not really sure how I managed to get myself to Skyler’s shop without being driven, but I found myself sitting on a hard, plastic chair with my tongue clamped, ready for a needle to be shoved through it a few days after the cast came off my leg. As usual, I was high and feeling on top of the world. I didn’t want to take the ecstasy anymore, I needed to; I felt that if I ever stopped using I’d just collapse on the ground and never be able to get back up again and so I just never stopped taking the ‘happy’ pills. As soon as I’d realise I was coming down from my high, there would be more in my system before you could count to ten. It was a never-ending cycle.

Skyler was a bit apprehensive about piercing my tongue. I think he knew something wasn’t quite right with me but he could tell that I was going to make a huge fuss about it and so he set everything up. I guess subconsciously, I’d always wanted a tongue piercing but I never considered getting it done until now. The clamp felt funny in my mouth. It was pulling my tongue out and squeezing it slightly and made it hard for me to talk, but it didn’t worry me. I was watching Skyler sterilizing the needle when the door to the shop opened and Connor walked through, immediately heading over to Skyler and hugging him from behind. I noticed Sky jump a bit and I laughed and started to get up from my chair with the clamp still in my mouth.

“Co-oller!” I said through the metal that was making me talk funny. Connor turned around and smiled at me. I ran over to him began hugging him tightly.
“Cameron. Why are you attempting to talk with a clamp on your tongue?”
“A-caush Sky-er hathent pierthed it yeh.”
Connor shook his head. “You’re so strange, kid, I swear. You’re just like your dad.”

I went to punch him lightly on his arm but he was too quick for me and grabbed my wrist just as it was about to make contact with his skin. He held it up for a few seconds before his eyes rested on my face and he dropped my hand like it was on fire. He stared at me for a few seconds before (quite roughly, I might add) pulling back my eyelid and leaning down, looking very closely at my left eye. Oh, shit! He knows… I had an internal freak-out while Connor continued to look at me with a frown on his face.

He opened his mouth to say something, but then Skyler came over to us, looking confused.
“Connor? What are you doing? What’s wrong with Cameron’s eye?” he asked.
Connor glanced away from my face and looked at Skyler. “Nothing, baby. Uhh… listen. I need to make a phone call. You pierce Cam’s tongue okay? I’ll explain later,” he said, straightening up and pecking Sky’s lips before leaving the room without looking at me again.

Skyler still looked confused but he set to work fixing the clamp that had moved slightly when I tried to talk and picked up the needle that he was going to use to pierce my tongue. In a few seconds, it was all over. I hardly felt the needle pass through the muscle and I was shocked when Skyler said that the jewellery was through and that I could have a look in the mirror. I studied my reflection for a couple of seconds before telling Skyler that I loved it and running over to hug him. I pulled away and skipped out into the waiting area where I saw Connor sitting at the booking desk with the phone in his hand. He didn’t see me behind him and continued talking to whoever it was on the other end.

“…Oh. You did find them, then? Fucking hell, what is he doing to himself? Do you know how long?... Oh right… Okay…. Well… Yes, I think it’s almost done now, so he won’t be too long. Hang in there… Bye Zach,” he finished before hanging up the phone and sighing heavily.
“Zach?” I asked, startling him.
“C-Cameron? You-you’re done already?”
I nodded. “Why were you talking to Zach? You hardly know him.”

“No reason, Cameron. Um… just catching up…” he trailed off. He was lying, and I panicked when I realised what he was talking to Zach about on the phone just then. Without saying another word to either Connor or Skyler, I bolted from the store and down the street. I was breathing heavily as I slowed down when I was far enough away from the store, and my mind was overflowing with ideas of what might happen when I got home. He knows. Zach knows. Shit shit shit shit. What have I done?

I was getting closer and closer to home with every footstep and I still had no idea what to expect when I got there. Suddenly I needed another hit and dug around in the tight pockets of my skinny jeans until my fingers closed around the little bag containing the five white pills I’d taken with me to Skyler’s shop. Without even stopping to think about the consequences of what I was about to do, I pulled open the bag and tipped the pills out into my hand. One by one, I swallowed them, having a few seconds in between to recover from the strange sensation of swallowing the tablet dry. I choked slightly on the fourth and coughed violently until it slid down my throat and then picked up the last pill that was sitting in my hand. I felt sick to my stomach and my heart was pounding in my chest so ferociously that I was afraid that it would just jump out and leave me standing there bleeding from a hole in my ribcage. I pressed a hand to my chest in an attempt to hold my heart in and stop it from escaping. Two young boys about 10 years old rode past me on their bicycles and looked at me strangely, but I didn’t care. I ignored them and put the last pill in my mouth, before tipping my head slightly to allow me to swallow it easily.

I continued walking. My head was swimming and my stomach was cramping up and I was shaking badly, but eventually I made it to my house. Easily opening the unlocked door, I practically fell through it and immediately went to the stairs. Looking up, the stairs flew upwards, hundreds of new steps joined the twelve that had been there since I was born and I shrieked in frustration before grabbing the hand rail and lifting my heavy foot onto the first step. I stumbled up the stairs, taking much less time than I had anticipated. I found my way into my bedroom and my eyes immediately found my bed. Zach was perched on the edge, looking down at the bedspread where bag upon bag of pills were lying.

Zach looked up when I tripped into the room. His eyes were red and I sobered up slightly when I saw how much I hurt him.
He stood up and picked up one of the bags from my bed.
“Are there any more?” he whispered. I counted quickly the ones left on the bed and shook my head, unable to speak.
“Why?” his voice cracked on the one syllable and tears spilled out of his eyes.
“I- I… I n-n-need…”
“You don’t need it! Cameron, why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you talk to anyone? There are so many people who want to help you, why won’t you let them? I- Fuck… How can anyone help you if won’t let them? I love you, Cameron. So many people love you and you have hurt them by destroying your life like this.”

“Cam? He’s right,” I heard a soft voice behind me and turned, stumbling slightly. I was feeling light-headed and dizzy and it took my eyes a while to focus on mom and dad, who were standing behind me. Mom continued, “Why would you do this to yourself?”

I couldn’t talk. I felt like I couldn’t open my mouth at all and wondered if I’d ever be able to again. I heard a slight noise behind me and turned around to face my bed again. Zach was collecting the bags off my bed. I frowned, wondering what he could possibly be doing.

When he turned and headed towards my bathroom, I took a step forward, wobbling slightly and hands grabbed me from behind to steady me. I screamed out and ran into the bathroom when I heard the bags being ripped open and the light splashes as my pills were being spilled so easily into the foamy water. I was shouting incoherent things at Zach and got more and more hysterical as I realised he was flushing my entire supply. I grabbed his wrists as he went to open another bag, but he was stronger than me and pulled his arms out of my grip and ripped open the bag. I swung my fists hard at him and when my knuckles connected sharply with his face I didn’t even stop to think about what I’d done, I just kept punching whatever I could.

Arms grabbed me and pulled me back. I wriggled and fought with them as hard as I could. “Rian!” my father hollered as I felt his arms loosen after every jerky movement of mine in my attempt to break free. Distantly, I heard heavy footsteps thundering up the stairs but it wasn’t until the thick, burly arms of the drummer held me in a vice-like grip that I truly noticed Rian’s presence in my house. I struggled in vain as I watched Zach emptying bag after bag of drugs into the toilet, shouting, screaming and crying in anguish.
When Zach was down to the last three bags, my body gave up on me and I slumped in Rian’s arms, completely exhausted.
“No… no… no,” I whispered over and over again, my chest heaving as I tried to gulp in air.

My stomach suddenly convulsed and bile rose up in my throat and I vomited all over the bathroom floor. I was shaking badly and my teeth were chattering because I suddenly felt cold. I felt a cool, wet piece of fabric being pressed to my clammy face and looked up through hazy eyes to see Zach grimly holding it there with a large bruise on his cheek. He used the washcloth to wipe my mouth and he gently took me from Rian’s arms and carried me out of the bathroom to lie me down on my bed. I felt like I was floating as I stared up at the ceiling. I thought that if Zach wasn’t holding my hand, I would be bumping into the roof. I closed my eyes. My head was thumping and my stomach was still churning. I lay silent for a few minutes before opening my eyes again, feeling slightly better. My eyes found Zach. He was sitting on the edge of my bed holding one small bag in his hands. He was looking down, but I think he realised that my eyes were on him.
He breathed in deeply. The room was silent; everybody else had left, I noted, giving Zach and I some time alone. I closed my eyes again.

“I hope you’re listening… I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to believe that you were doing drugs but… I- I don’t think I can keep pretending anymore that you’re going to be okay; that you’ll stop by yourself. I don’t think you can. And I don’t think I can be with someone who’s constantly on something, but I will help you if you let me… So… I-I’m giving you a choice, Cameron. There are six pills in this bag. If there is even one missing… i-it’s over. I love you, more than anything, but I can’t do this. Please make the right choice…”

The bed shifted as he stood up and I felt plastic being placed gently into my hand, his fingers pushing on mine slightly so that my hand curled around the bag. I heard his footsteps tread lightly to the door.
“Please. I love you…” was the last thing he said before he walked out of my bedroom, closing the door behind him.

I opened my eyes and sat up slightly. I looked down at my hand and, sure enough, in the small plastic bag, six white pills were sitting there, tempting me beyond belief.
Thoughts were running crazily through my mind, crashing into each other and screaming different points of view at me. The drugs, or Zach. Ecstasy or my boyfriend. Drug-induced happiness or genuine happiness.

I looked at the bag again, rolling the pills under my fingers, pondering. I looked to my left and saw my favourite photo of Zach and I. We were sitting under my favourite tree at the park. I was in his lap and our lips were touching in the lightest kiss possible.
My hand clenched around the plastic bag, before I hurled it at my wall. I had made my decision.

I tried to roll over in order for me to get off my bed, but I rolled too far and landed with a thud on my floor.

I lay there for a minute or so with my eyes closed; my head sore from hitting it on the bedside table, until I felt a pair of gentle hands lift me up, back onto my bed. They stroked my hair and I knew that those hands could only belong to one person.
“Z-Zach? I-I want you to help me,” I whimpered. “I choose you. I don’t want them anymore.”
“Shh… I know baby. I know.” I felt a pair of lips touch mine lightly, and I smiled into the kiss. “Hey… I love you, Cameron. Always.”
“Je t'aime aussi, mon amour,” I whispered, before I dozed off.