I Am Invincible

It was fun, at first, walking around the shopping mall. We stopped in random stores and acted like we were interested in buying something random, like a blender in the home wares store, and then running out of the store giggling when the poor sales assistant left us to check their stock. It was good to just get out with my friends and enjoy being a teenager. As we were trooping thought the mall searching for shops to go in, Emilie kept a tight grip on my hand like she’s always done before I moved to Australia. I was glad that she still felt comfortable doing that even after how I’d been treating her. I told her so, and apologised again for being a total ass to her. She just smiled at me and told me it was fine, before kissing my cheek. An elderly couple saw this as they walked past and the lady said to her husband that she remembered when they were our age and in love. They then smiled widely at Emilie and me and toddled off.

“I would’ve thought you were going to correct them,” Em said, with a hint of a smile in her voice.
“Nah, why burst their bubble. If they want to think that we’re in love, I’m gonna let them think that,” I told her.

“Well aren’t you sweet,” she said patronisingly before dragging me off to find Dec and Tamsin, who had entered the store we were standing in front of. It turned out to be a baby store and I groaned loudly, earning a glare from Emilie, who loved looking at all the clothes and shit for babies. We found Declan and Tamsin gushing over a little cowboy outfit for a baby boy and Emilie immediately started ‘awww’ing over it too. I rolled my eyes and leaned against a shelf while my friends discussed the dress-up outfits that they would buy for their kids. I wanted to point out that, as far as I knew, none of them were planning on having a baby anytime soon, (because number 1: Emilie doesn’t have a boyfriend, and number 2: Dec and Tam have decided to wait until marriage to have sex, (which I think is sweet and totally romantic) and since they’re only sixteen, they won’t be getting married for a while) and I didn’t see the point in looking at all that shit years in advance, but I knew they’d all just cut me down with their eyes and continue doing what they were doing.

A million years later, my friends and brother decided they’d had enough cooing over ever single item in the store (well, almost everything, they didn’t really want to know about things like breast pumps or anything like that), and we made our way to the front of the store with me teasing Dec about how excited he was getting over things in the store. Just as we were about to step foot outside the shop, I stopped walking and talking abruptly and my friends followed my gaze to two people who were about to enter the baby store.

The boy placed his hand on the small of the girl’s back and guided her slowly towards the entrance. It was obvious the boy was doing what he could to help the girl with her movements because she looked like she was going to explode any second and then the shop keepers would have a massive clean-up job ahead of them. That wasn’t why I noticed them though; I’d seen plenty of pregnant women and their partners in that store. No, what I noticed was that head of messy black hair that I’d run my fingers though a million times, that lean body that I’d curled up against night after night during winter, and that face that I’d kissed countless times; the hand that used to hold mine now sat in the middle of some girl who’s face I didn’t even recognise’s back as my ex-boyfriend who I still loved turned slightly and spotted my friends and I standing a couple of metres away, staring at them with wide – and in my case, teary – eyes.

When he took a step towards us, I whirled around and began walking off in the opposite direction. I didn’t want to talk to him, but Declan and Emilie had a different idea. They each grabbed one of my arms and marched me back to where I was standing previously. Emilie put her hand under my chin, and lifted it up, forcing me to look at Zach.

“C-Cam?” he asked tentatively, “Look… I’m so sorry for everything. Everything would still be perfectly okay if I didn’t fuck up and I can’t even begin to explain how much I regret it. I love you, more than anything and I’ll do anything to get you back. I’m so sorry. Please…” he pleaded and my heart fell apart again. It was telling me to run into his arms and to forgive him and live happily ever after with him. My head was telling me a different story; that he wasn’t to be trusted, that he’d probably do it again and ruin my life all over again. There was a battle inside of me. Head, heart? Head, heart?

My head won, I think due to the fact that my heart was still in tatters. I wanted my heart to win, but I had no drive to overpower the nagging voice in my head that told me that I’d get hurt again.

“I-I can’t… I don’t think I can. Not… not now,” I held back a sob as tears spilled over and I looked down. “I-I just… I c-can’t… I’m sorry.”
I looked up again and saw tears falling silently down Zach’s face. “Please, Cameron. I love you,” he whispered.

The girl, who had been watching our interaction silently, waddled up to Zach and put her arm around him, allowing him to rest his head on her shoulder (she was almost the same height as Zach). This action alone made me see red, I was angry.

“Really, Zach? You really love me? Well then why the fuck are you still with her? Letting her touch you? Resting your head on her shoulder? If you really loved me, you wouldn’t be here buying baby shit for some girl who looks like she’s about to pop any second, you would be home with me, holding me, kissing me. Without a bastard child and without a worry,” I ranted in as even a tone as I could so that we wouldn’t get an audience made up of other shoppers in the area.

“B-But Cam, she- she’s pregnant, it’s my fault… I can’t j-just leave h—”
“She shouldn’t be pregnant in the first fucking place,” I shouted, causing everyone in the mall to turn around and stare at me. I ignored them. “Just go. Be happy with your girlfriend, get married, have a couple of extra kids. Just forget about the fact that you’re supposedly gay. Be a father to the child that only came about because you cheated on me. I don’t care anymore. Fuck you.”

“Cameron, please. I love you, me and Kirsten aren’t together, I sw-”

“I don’t want to fucking hear it,” I said roughly, before turning around and walking away, leaving everyone staring after me. I made my way through the mall until I found the front entrance and began walking towards it. I heard my brother shout my name but I ignored him until I got outside and sat down on the concrete against a wall. I heard Declan sit down next to me, but I didn’t acknowledge him until he grabbed me and pulled me roughly into a hug.

After a while, he pulled away and held me at arm’s length.
“You gotta cut the shit, Cameron,” he stated. “Seriously, why can’t you just forgive him? I know he hurt you by sleeping with that girl, but really, you should’ve been able to get past it and I know that if you’re anything like me, your head gets in the way of your heart.”
I nodded miserably; that’s exactly what happens.

“Well then, you gotta tell your head to shut the fuck up, and listen to what your heart’s telling you, and I’m sure you’ll find that you want to forgive him.”
I nodded again, and stood up, offering Declan my hand to help him up, just as Emilie and Tamsin emerged from inside the mall.

Em wrapped her arm around me and pulled me into a hug, while Tamsin pecked Dec on the lips, before suggesting that we head off home.

I walked silently behind my friends and brother, and immediately went up to my bedroom to think things through, and maybe sort out what I actually wanted to do about my crummy, non-existent relationship with the boy that I loved.