I've Got a Secret

A few things should be made known right off the bat. First of all, I wasn’t a cheater. I had never been unfaithful in my entire life. I had only had a couple really serious boyfriends, and when I was with those boyfriends, I was with those boyfriends. I never strayed, and I was proud of that.

People change though. I changed. I could no longer say I wasn’t a cheater. I could no longer be that girl in the game of Never Have I Ever who didn’t drink when the question of cheating came up.

I had never felt so awful in my entire life, and yet that didn’t stop me.

He was an irresistible pull that I couldn’t stay away from, no matter how hard I tried.

I, Hadley Smith, could not stay away from him.

Oliver Sykes was going to be my demise.

***

You wouldn’t think it would take a person twenty-three years of living to really figure themselves out. Maybe you would think it’d take less, or maybe you would think it’d take more. After all, twenty three years isn’t a long time, and while you may think you’ve seen a lot in those twenty three years, you really haven’t seen anything at all.

I guess that’s why at twenty three, I still didn’t know what I wanted.

It was all being handed to me on a silver platter in reality. I had a nice boyfriend of two years who had a solid job working at his father’s bank. He knew what he wanted, even at twenty four. He knew what he wanted for several years, so he worked hard and he got it. He knew he wanted to be successful, and he even knew he wanted a family. He had it all planned out, and I guess I should have been thankful for this. But I wasn’t.

It wasn’t like he wasn’t upfront with me about his intentions or what he wanted out of our relationship. He had been upfront since day one; I knew he was looking for something serious, someone he could potentially spend the rest of his life with. I knew this, and yet it never occurred to me that I should maybe tell him that I wasn’t quite ready for that. But I never said a word, and eventually I was in too deep. I could no longer bolt like I really wanted to. We had been dating for two years; I couldn’t just apologize and tell him it was all a lie because I was too much of a coward to open up my mouth.

So I let it all happen. I kept my mouth shut as the days passed by and we got more serious.

It didn’t occur to me that I should have put a stop to it all before we got too serious. Although, looking back, I don’t think I could have put a stop to it really. We got serious fast, and then before I knew it, it was our one year anniversary. Then, our two year anniversary, which really snuck up on me. Now, this.

I shouldn’t have said yes; I shouldn’t have smiled and nodded after he proposed, but I did and now we were engaged to be married. Ryan had proposed to me, the girl who didn’t know what she wanted, and I was going to pay for it.

I had a secret though, a secret that was the whole reason I shouldn’t have been getting married in the first place.

***

It was our two year anniversary. I guess I should have noticed all the signals, and maybe if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in me, I would have. But wrapped up in myself I was, as usual, and so I just plain didn’t notice them. I didn’t notice the special arrangement of pink Gerber Daisies sitting in front of the door to my flat with a cutesy little note saying how Ryan would see me tonight. I hadn’t even realized it was our two year anniversary, really, because those kinds of things didn’t faze me. I wasn’t that kind of girl, and maybe I never would be. This was just one reason out of many on the list of why I didn’t understand why Ryan and I worked the way we did. Ryan was my complete opposite, and yet we worked somehow. Maybe it was because I was a coward and didn’t want to hurt him, but I tried not to think about that too often.

After bringing the flowers into my flat and setting them on the kitchen counter, I greeted my orange tabby cat Spencer with a quick belly-rub and then I went to shower and get ready for Ryan and I’s date. After a long day of working at the bookstore my best friend and I co-owned, I was ready for a relaxing evening with my boyfriend.

It didn’t take me long to get ready. I changed into a pair of skinny jeans and a flowy tank top and comfy cardigan, and once I felt I was ready I rushed to meet Ryan at our favorite sushi place; this was another clue that should have hit me but it didn’t. Ryan and I only went to this sushi place on our anniversary or to celebrate because it was kind of expensive.

When I finally got to the sushi place, I walked in and scanned the dimly lit restaurant for my boyfriend. I immediately found him waving his arm in the air, trying to flag me down. He was grinning from ear to ear, and when I got to him he stood up and hugged me, planting a slow and passionate kiss on my lips.

Dinner went smoothly, but Ryan never stopped smiling the whole time. I had even gone as far as to ask him why he was so happy, but he just laughed and shook his head. It was weird, but I figured maybe he was just happy to be with me. If only.

When we finished dinner, Ryan decided to order dessert. So after placing an order for some crème brulee for the two of us to share, and after the waiter left to fill our order, Ryan smiled at me. He reached across the table to grab my hands and he squeezed them gently, the candle that sat in front of us flickering and lighting up the smile on his face the whole time.

I returned the smile, but suddenly there was an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something was going on, and I didn’t like it.

“Hadley,” Ryan started, his smile growing. “You know I love you, right?”

My smile grew tighter as I nodded. “Of course.”

“So I’m sure what I’m about to do next isn’t going to be much of a surprise.” He grinned as he stood from the table and walked around it to my side. As he kneeled, I was sucker-punched with the realization of what he was doing. There was no way for me to get out of it either.

His speech was short and sweet, mentioning how he knew I was ‘the one’ since the first day he saw me. I must have delivered a convincing act of happiness, because Ryan seemed to look pleased with me the whole time. My smile never faltered, which was good; he didn’t need to know just how badly I didn’t want this.

“Hadley Smith, I’ve loved you for seven hundred and thirty days; I’ve waited for two years to ask you this. Will you marry me, love?”

I was only in shock for a few seconds. I knew I couldn’t say no; it wouldn’t add up if I had, and he would probably become suspicious. So I let the tears grace my eyes like they should and I smiled and nodded before reaching out to hug him.

Saying yes to Ryan’s marriage proposal was my first mistake.

***

I knocked on his door, my hand instantly tapping out the familiar ‘rat-a-tat-tat-tat’ rhythm I always did when I visited him like this. It was like our signal so he’d know it was me.

My eyes wandered over to my hand as it knocked, and easily caught site of the ring on my finger. I groaned and tried to pull it off. I wasn’t fast enough, though, and he opened the door as I stood there trying to rip my engagement ring off my finger.

“Are we still keepin’ the same secrets, Hadley?” he asked bluntly, knowing exactly why I was there; I was hardly ever there for anything else, though. His accent was thick and his voice raspy, I assumed from sleep considering it was about two in the morning.

With my finger still grazing the cool metal of my ring, I looked up at him. I took in all of his tattoos that covered his body which was currently only dressed in a pair of black basketball shorts. His hair was messy and he looked tired. He had just gotten home a few days ago, though, so I guess it was understandable.

I didn’t even answer as I pulled the ring off my finger finally and held it up for him to see. He pursed his lips and nodded, then stepped aside to let me in. I dropped the ring into my purse and walked inside. I hadn’t seen him for almost three months, and in those three months I had never felt as comfortable as I did right then, walking through his flat.

“So he finalleh proposed, did he?” he asked me as he walked further into the flat, towards my still frame sitting on his couch.

I nodded. “Yeah.” It was all I could manage at that point.

“And yeh said yes?”

I nodded again but didn’t bother with words this time. Oliver took a seat next to me on the couch and rested his hand on my knee. That was all it took for me to snap out of my trance. Within seconds, my lips were on his. I wrapped my arms around his neck as I straddled him while his hands roamed all over my body.

“Yeh’re gonna be married soon, Had. We can’ be doin’ this anymore,” he mumbled against my neck as he trailed kisses down to my collarbone.

“No talking,” I muttered. “Bedroom.”

He didn’t even protest as I climbed off of him and grabbed his hand, dragging him to his bed. I stripped out of my skinny jeans and dropped my cardigan to the floor while Oli took off his shorts. I ripped off my tank top and then pulled him into me again. He clutched at my thighs as I wrapped my legs around his tiny waist, our lips never separating. My arms wrapped around his neck as I pulled him closer to me; we couldn’t get close enough, though.

When his legs connected with the mattress, he lay me down on the bed and trailed kisses down my neck to my chest while I arched my back. I brought his head back to my lips and we reconnected, a sense of urgency taking over us both.

Before we could get too carried away, he stopped and looked me in the eyes. “Yeh sure?”

I didn’t even hesitate when I nodded. “Always am,” I muttered, pulling his face closer to mine as I reconnected our lips and nibbled on his bottom one, catching his lip ring with my teeth. That was all it took for him to be reassured and to continue on.

There was no turning back; there was never any turning back, though. That was my second mistake.

***

It surprised me when I woke up the next morning and Oliver wasn’t in bed next to me, his colorful arm wrapped securely around my waist. I tried not to let it faze me as I climbed out of bed and searched Oliver’s dirty floor for my clothes, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t.

After giving up on my search and grabbing a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants from Oliver’s drawers, I got dressed and headed out into the kitchen area. I could smell the coffee that was brewing a mile away, and I knew I was going to need some.

I had hardly gotten even a footstep into the kitchen before Oliver was facing me, his eyes hard and a pout on his lips. I rolled my eyes as I brushed by him to get a mug and then I poured myself a generous cup. If the look on Oliver’s face was any clue to how our conversation was going to go, I was going to need it.

He scoffed at my nonchalance I assumed, and then the yelling started. “Yeh’re fuckin’ unbelievable Hadley.”

“Don’t,” I stopped him, pointing a finger at his colorful and very much exposed chest.

“Don’ what? Don’ bring up the fact that yehr legs are open more than the Tesco down the road? Or ‘ow about the fact that yeh’re engaged and we just shagged, probably only hours after the fact?”

My mouth dropped open and I felt like I had been slapped. “Never in the past year and a half that this has been happening have you ever objected,” I told him sternly as I stepped closer and continued to point at him, poking him firmly in the chest. “Never have I once heard you suggest that we stop, or have you told me to leave. So don’t you fucking act like you’re some saint Oliver, because you’re just as bad,” I hissed; I was determined to not be the only bad person in this secret we had been keeping.

“Never ‘ave I cheated on the person I was wiff, Hadley. Don’ try an’ tell meh that I’m some big bad wolf because yeh’re the one cheatin’, and yeh ‘ave been for almost two years now.”

I shook my head violently while tears burned the back of my eyes. “You don’t think I know that?” I burst suddenly, causing Oli to jump at my sudden tone of voice. “You don’t think I practically make myself sick, Oliver? I hate this, but it is what it is! I can’t stay away from you.”

He shook his head and looked away, but I could still tell that there was anger burning in his eyes. “Yeh ‘aven’t tried, love. Yeh get scared of this bloke yeh’re with so yeh come runnin’ to me, as if I can solve yeh problems.”

“I don’t want anything solved, Oliver.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest and glared at him. “I don’t expect you to solve anything for me and I never have. Did you ever think it was as simple as me using you? Maybe I just like the sex.” I tried to keep my voice casual and calm as I said this, but I knew Oliver could see right through me. It was my downfall, that Oliver could read me like a book.

“Yeh neva ‘ave just wanted sex, Hadley. That’s a load of shit.”

I scoffed. “You think I actually want to be with you Oliver? Newsflash, I’m engaged.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my third mistake. Third times a charm, I guess.

Oliver became completely enraged at this. He took two strides and was suddenly pointing in my face. “Tha’s exactly fuckin’ right, Hadley. Yeh’re engaged and yet we’re still keepin’ this secret. Mind fillin’ me in on why? What happens when you knock next time and I don’ answer, or betta yet what happens if you knock next time and I’m with someone? What are yeh going to do then, Hadley? Tell me that,” he spat. The venom in his voice was so apparent it almost physically stung. I even took a step back.

“I don’t know, Oliver. Honestly? I have no idea what I’m going. I don’t know why I’ve been keeping this secret for so long, or why I’m still with Ryan. I don’t know why I keep running to you as if that’s going to fix everything, when in reality you’re just going to be my biggest downfall.” I looked at him and when I saw he was shaking his head, I corrected myself. “I’m going to be my own biggest downfall, but when everyone finds out about us… that’s what I meant.”

“So do somefin about it, Hadley. Break it off with that bloke.”

I shook my head sadly as I came to my next realization. “I can’t,” I told him sadly, tears spilling down my cheeks. “I can’t do that. Ryan’s safe, and he’s good for me. He’s everything I should want in a guy, and I have to marry him.”

Oliver nodded, but took a step closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. He shushed me as I cried into his t-shirt, something I never, ever did. Oliver and I were on a strict ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, and we were always determined to keep it that way. It was easier that way; definitely not any less messy, because we had dug ourselves into a hole so deep that we couldn’t even see the light anymore.

My fourth and final mistake was this: I couldn’t let him go. Oliver Sykes was the secret I had to keep, whether I wanted to or not.