When Everything Gets Crazy, I Get Lost In You.

We've been home for three days now. The first two nights were pretty tough, sleep wise. Both Adam and I didn't end up falling asleep until maybe two in the morning, then we would wake up too early and it was all just very unsettled. Last night was better, and I think we're starting to get back into the swing of things back at home.

Tonight we're hanging out at the house with Shaun and Daisy. I made dinner earlier, and now we're all just standing around and talking.

"They're called The Shape's," Adam says to Shaun.

"The Shape's? Like, circles, squares? What kind of shapes?" I laugh at them. The Shapes are a band that Jack has been playing for for a couple weeks now. I haven't seen them play yet, but Jack says that they suck.

"What kind of music is it?" Daisy asks.

"It's like punk rock, hard rock mixed he said. I've never seen them but there is a show next week, I guess." She nods and right at that moment I hear the front door open and shut.

Jack walks around the corner with his backpack strung over his shoulder. He's wearing faded jeans, a white t-shirt over a black thermal, and black motorcycle boots. His blondish hair is gelled and styled like always. He nods at Shaun and Adam when he comes in, then goes to his room and gets rid of his stuff, then comes back out.

"Where's Nikki?" I ask him when he sits down at the dining room table.

"Out in the car making a phone call," he says quietly.

I haven't seen Nikki much since we've been home. On the first day we were home she came over with Jack, but other than that I haven't seen or talked to her. Maybe tonight I'll be able to get some sort of clue as to what Mike said was wrong with her.

"Daisy, want some wine?" I ask.

"YES!" I laugh.

"Red or white? I've got both."

"Red's good with me." I turn and go out to the garage to get the wine out of the extra fridge that we keep out there. When I'm in the garage getting the wine I hear Nikki shut Jack's car door out in the driveway. I get the bottle of wine and head back inside at the same time she's walking in the front door.

I get two glasses from the cupboard and set them on the counter, knowing that the guy's won't want any wine. Nikki comes around the corner and hangs her coat over the arm of the couch, and drops her purse and backpack in one of the dining room chairs.

"You want some wine, Nik?" I ask her as I pour into the two glasses.

"Sure." I get out a third glass and pour some wine into it, then put the bottle in the fridge in the kitchen so it's easier to get to if someone wants a refill. Nikki comes over to the counter after saying hi to Adam and Jack, and gets her glass of wine and takes a sip of it.

"So, what's new?" I ask her, leaning on the opposite side of the counter as her and Daisy. She shrugs her shoulder and takes another sip of the wine.

"Not much." She looks down at the counter and I look over at Daisy and raise an eyebrow at her. She shrugs too.

"Jack said that you got let go from your job. Cutbacks, huh?" I say, trying to pick up this conversation. She shrugs again.

"Let go is a nice way of putting it, I guess. I'm not getting unemployment or anything."

"So are you looking for a new job?"

"Not really. I'm thinking about doing this school thing full time though, you know? I mean, how often do you get that chance, to do something you actually want to do full time. And who knows how long I'll get this free time before my dumb parent's make me get another job."

"So you're back to staying with your parent's?" I ask and get yet another shrug.

"I guess. They're pretty pissed about the job thing though. They pretty much hate my guts right now," she says with a little laugh, taking another sip of her wine. Something about this conversation just feels off, and I can't put my finger on it yet. Maybe it's all the shrugging. I look over and see that Jack is watching her. When he sees me looking at him he looks away.

"Are you going to see what kind of extra classes you can take?" Daisy asks her.

"Yeah, I definitely think so. I just think I'm gonna just, go and do whatever for a while, ya know? Go where the wind blows me for a while."

"Like a gypsy," Daisy says, smiling at me and taking a sip of her own wine. I smile at her.

"Yeah, like a gypsy," Nikki says in kind of a dazed voice. Jack gets up from the dining room table and comes into the kitchen and stands next to where I'm standing.

"What's up, ladies?" he says in his usual low tone of voice.

"Not a lot," I say. I look over at Nikki then and see her looking at something off in the distance. And then it hits me what's wrong with her. She hasn't made eye contact with anyone since she's walked in the door.

"Look at me," I say to her sharply.

"What?" she says, kind of panicked sounding. I can feel Jack's eyes on me, but I'm watching Nikki.

"Look at me," I say to her again. She looks up at me, but still doesn't look me in the eye. I can see that her eyes are hazy looking, and are red in the corners.

"Are you fucking stoned?" I ask her. She starts laughing as soon as the words are out of my mouth, which confuses me a little.

"You think I'm stoned?" she asks with another little giggle.

"Well are you?" The guys are looking over here now, listening in.

"No I'm not stoned!" She waves her hand around a little and nearly knocks her wine glass over. I look over at Adam, then at Jack, who is giving Nikki a death glare. He reaches across the counter and grabs her under her jaw, forcing her to look at him.

"Jack," Adam warns from across the room, but he doesn't move. He just keeps looking at her and she is doing nothing to try and get away from him.

"You fucking are," Jack says to her.

"No."

"You are so fucking high right now." She finally starts trying to pull away from him.

"Jack," Adam warns again and he releases her.

"You're fucking stoned right now. That's what your problem has been this whole fucking time, isn't it?" Jack yells.

"No, it's not. I'm not-"

"Don't fucking lie to me."

"I'm not lying, Jack. I'm just stressed out and tired and-"

"The fuck you are," he stomps around to the other side of the counter to confront her. "Is that what you were just doing? Out in my fucking car before you came in here? You do realize that if I get caught with that shit anywhere fucking near me, I go to jail. You do realize that, right?"

"I know," she says. She's crying now, bawling actually.

"If you knew, then why the fuck would you do that? Why would you do that period? Have you learned fucking nothing from being with me? You don't see what that shit brings down on people?"

"It wasn't anything serious. It was just a little pot, its not that bad."

"Don't fucking treat me like I'm stupid, Nik. I've fucking been there, I know what that shit leads to. Especially with the way you've been fucking acting lately."

"With the way I've been acting lately? What about you?"

"What about me? All I've been doing is attempting to support you when everyone around me has been telling me that you've become a fucking psycho bitch."

"Maybe I got lost in the fucking pressure that everyone has been putting on me! I've got you, wanting me to be perfect all the fucking time. I've got my parents, who want me to be perfect all the time, and they hate you so that means I really have to try and be perfect around them so they don't think that you've turned me into something that I wasn't before I met you. Well oops, look what's happened."

"You really don't see how fucked up this is do you? And you know, it's all coming together for me now. Why you lost your job. You didn't get fired due to cutbacks, you got fired because you were fucking stoned, weren't you? Your parent's don't hate you because of me. They hate you because you're doing drugs in their house, you got fired and you're still doing nothing with your life."

"I'm doing something with my life. I'm going to school."

"How long do you think school is going to keep you around if you show up fucking stoned out of your mind all the time"

"I'm fine at school, you don't need to worry about that?"

"Yeah? There was a time not too long ago, when you said that you were fine over here too. But apparently not because you had to stay out in the driveway and take one last toke before you could come in here. Do you understand that that's embarrassing to me? Oh, here's my wonderful girlfriend who I've been defending these last few weeks, and you come in here fucking blazed and acting fucking stupid?"

"Oh and you're perfect," she says.

"Excuse me? Who said I was fucking perfect? All I'm asking for is a little respect and for you not to lie to me anymore. Because that's what you've been doing for months. You just keep on lying. You're doing it right now."

"I love how you can just stand here and judge me. After all the shit that I know about you. How can you do that? How can you do this?"

"Because I fucking love you, Nikki. There, I finally said it. It's probably way too fucking late, but I said it."

"You love me? You love me, yet you can stand here and criticize me? Oh yeah, that's love." she snaps. Apparently she's past crying because now she's stone faced. "And you should hardly talk about love because look what you've done to the people who love you."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You get to talk down to me, I get to talk right back down to you, Jack. You forget all the things that I know about you."

"You can say what you want to try and turn this around on me. I'm done."

"How about the time when you got so fucked up that you robbed some poor woman on the street so you could get money to buy junk with?" she yells. She's really reaching now. She knows that her time is running out with Jack, and she's trying to get her last digs in. Jack grabs her purse from where she put it and shoves it into her hands.

"Get out," he snaps.

"Or how about when you thought you were going to kill your precious mama, here? Remember that? You told me about how scared she was of you and you thought you were going to kill her, because you were so out of your mind you didn't even know who she was."

"Fucking bitch." She laughs a little and he starts to shove her towards the front door. He grabs her coat and shoves it at her, and keeps moving her towards the door. My heart is beating five hundred beats per second it feels like, and I'm completely motionless. When they get around the corner, Adam moves into action.

"Jack!" he yells, walking towards the foyer where they are. I can hear Nikki still yelling at Jack, but I can't make out what she's saying.

"Don't touch her," I hear Adam say to him. I know that Adam is especially touchy to subjects like this. He's been accused before of being aggressive with women, and I know that he's looking out for Jack more than Nikki when he says this.

"I didn't put a fucking hand on her," Jack yells. Nikki is still yelling at him, and it sounds like she's even yelling at Adam now too.

"Go home, bitch!" I hear Jack yell at her, then I hear the front door slam.

I walk out from behind the kitchen counter for the first time tonight, so now I'm in the dining room. Jack comes back around the corner into the living room, with Adam hot on his heels. Neither of them say anything. Jack immediately grabs his pack of cigarettes from the back pocket of his jeans and lights one up. He doesn't really seem to realize that every set of eyes in the room is watching him. He leans against the kitchen counter and slides his back down it until he's sitting, and Adam sits beside him.

He sits there for a second with his face in his hands then he looks up quickly like he's realizing something.

"She doesn't have a ride. I have to go-" he starts scrambling to get up and Adam grabs him and holds him back down.

"You can't go right now. It wouldn't be good for anyone if you went out there." Jack looks at me then.

"Mama, will you-"

"I'm going baby," I tell him before he can finish his sentence. "Daisy come with me," I say, grabbing my purse and heading past Jack and Adam to the front door.

When Daisy and I walk around the corner of the garage, I see Nikki standing there, smoking a cigarette and looking down at her cell phone. She looks up at us and doesn't say anything.

"Get in the car," I tell her and she immediately puts out the cigarette and puts her phone in her purse, following Daisy and I over to the Tahoe. Daisy gets in the backseat, leaving Nikki to ride in the passenger seat.

We ride the whole way to her parent's place in complete and utter silence. I have my hands clenching the wheel to keep from strangling someone, namely Nikki. And she's looking out the window into the darkness. Daisy is sitting in the middle of the backseat, observing. We make eye contact in the rear view mirror a couple times, so she probably knows my mindset.

I pull into the driveway at her parent's house and park behind one of their cars, shutting mine off. Nikki leans her head back into the head rest, and stares out the windshield.

"You're probably really pissed at me, aren't you?" she finally says to me.

"Honestly Nikki, I'm at a complete loss for words. I honestly don't know what to say to you." She nods her head.

"I am going to say this though, just because I feel like it needs to be out there," I say. "Jack has never done anything to hurt you. Adam and I have loved you like you were a little sister. We've always stood by you and supported everything you've done. But, I can't support this. If you honestly want to get yourself better, we will support you. If you need money to get away and deal with this, we will give it to you. But I swear to God Nikki, if you ever hurt that man again, there will be hell to pay."

"I understand."

"Good. Now get out of the car." She quickly grabs her things and gets out of the car, turning back only once to thank me for the ride. As I back out of the driveway, Daisy crawls into the passenger seat.

"You OK?" she asks me.

"I'm just worried about Jack."

"I know. This is exactly the sort of thing he doesn't need right now when he's been doing so well."

"If he does something stupid right now, and it's because of her. I swear to God..."

"He won't. He's a good kid, he's smart. He won't do anything stupid to put everything he's worked so hard for in jeopardy."

We drive the rest of the way home in silence. When we pull back in the driveway at my house, I see that Shaun's car is no longer in the driveway. I assume that Adam probably sent him home.

"Shaun left. I should probably split too. Let you deal with your boy," Daisy says as we get out of the car. I give her a hug and watch as she backs out of the driveway, then I go inside.

Adam looks up when I walk in. They're both still sitting in the exact same place as when I left. In between them is three packs of cigarettes and an ashtray that has about twenty cigarette buds in it, and a half empty beer bottle. I sit down on the other side of Jack and take my shoes off, slumping my back down against the counter. Jack looks over at me but doesn't say anything.

"She's home now," I tell him.

"Thank you." We all sit there without talking for a while. Mabel and Simba look confused as to why all of their people are sitting on the ground, but they make no effort to get up and see what we're doing. I reach over across Jack's body and take Adam's hand, holding it. Jack watches this and puts his cigarette out, then wraps his hand around my wrist. He sits up on his knees then, and faces me. I let go of Adam's hand, but Jack still has his hand around my wrist. I watch his face as he takes my other hand, then wraps his fingers around my wrist so that he now is holding both of my arms. I look over at Adam and see him watching this whole scene take place.

"Just like this, was how I was holding you down that time," Jack says, tightening his hold on my wrists. "Remember?"

"Jack don't do this to yourself," Adam says to him, but his eyes never leave me. I feel a tear fall down my cheek.

"Do you remember?" he asks again. I nod my head.

"Were you scared of me then?" I feel another tear.

"Jack, stop this," Adam says.

"Please," he says to me, begging me to answer. I nod my head again. I see tears starting to form in his eyes now. He looks so lost right now. Probably the closest I've ever seen him look to when we were in Vancouver with him. He falls forward and puts his head into my chest. I wrap my arms around him as I feel his tears soak into my shirt.

"Baby please don't do this to yourself. That was so long ago, and so many things have changed since then. You weren't in your right mind then," I say to him.

"Just like she's not in hers, telling you all of that shit," Adam says to him.

"But she was right. I did do all of those things."

"It's all in the past baby. You've just got to let it stay there. I know it's hard." He sobs for another second before he talks.

"I love her." I look over at Adam and take a deep breath.

"I know you do."

After we finish the fourth pack of cigarettes between us, Jack goes into bed. I doubt that he'll get a lot of sleep tonight, but he definitely needs to try. Adam and I go into our room with the dogs so that we can talk privately for a little while. We both sit on the bed with our backs against the headboard. I put my head against his shoulder, and he puts his arm around my shoulders.

"You were really good with him tonight," I tell him.

"I don't know about that. I just did what I thought I would need in that situation. Just, someone to listen."

"Well you did really good."

"That was one of the roughest times I've ever had with him by myself. I mean, we've had our moments, but you were always right there or you were going to be there soon. If he relapsed right now, how could I hold that against him? He just got the rug pulled out from under him and landed flat on his fucking back. Anyone like us that could hold it together after that is fucking incredible."

"What did he say when I was gone?" He shrugs.

"Lots of things. He doesn't understand why she would do that after knowing him and me, and why she would lie about it. I don't think she's too far gone, if she gets her act together now, and I told him that. He's just not sure if there is anything worth saving."

"Meaning their relationship?"

"Yeah." We're quiet for a few minutes and I know that we're both thinking.

"I love you, babe," I say to him.

"I love you too, butterfly." I lift my head up and give him a kiss then lay my head back down on his shoulder.

"I told you we were due."