When Everything Gets Crazy, I Get Lost In You.

It's about three in the morning now. A few minutes ago, the doctors came in and told us that the first surgery they performed on Adam's dad was unsuccessful, and they were going to try another one if they had Adam's mother's permission. They said that it was his only chance at living, and that even then his chances were small. Of course she gave them the permission they needed to do the surgery. I'm pretty sure that everyone is kind of in denial about how bad it really is.

I'm still sitting in between Adam and Christian, holding each of their hands in my lap. No one has really said anything to each other, except every now and then Cale will say something to Adam or Christian, or Caitlin will say something to her mother or husband, but that's about it.

Adam releases my hand and leans forward, putting his head down by his knees. I continue to hold Chris' hand, and watch Adam at the same time. He looks over his shoulder at me, looking tired and stressed out.

"You wanna get a smoke with me?" he asks me quietly. I nod without saying a word.

We both stand up and start to walk out of the waiting area holding hands.

"Where are you two going?" Adam's mother asks us.

"Outside for a minute. We'll be back," Adam answers.

We walk down the halls together to the ER area, then go outside the front doors and off to the side a little so the nurses don't see us smoking and freak out. I reach into my purse and grab my pack of Virginia Slims, and stick one of the slender cigarettes between my lips. I see Adam already has his lit up. I search in my purse for my lighter, but can't find it. Seeing this, Adam holds his in front of my face and flicks it on, watching and waiting for the small flame to catch on my cigarette, not blocking it from the wind. When it finally catches, I inhale deeply and exhale through my nose.

"What a fucking night," he says to me after a moment passes. I nod and raise my eyebrows, putting the cigarette back up to my mouth, watching as he holds his so the smoldering tip is in the back of his hand.

"Yes it is," I say.

"Did Austin ever text back?"

"No. I think I'll go up there and check on him when we're done here, unless you want me to go back upstairs and wait with you."

"No, you should definitely go up there. Chances are he needs you right now more than I do," he says with a little half assed attempt at a smile.

"He's probably freaking out so bad."

"Poor Jackie," he says. I smile and exhale some smoke. We're quiet for another moment, then I look over at Adam and see him staring out into the darkness, off in his own little world.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask him softly.

"My dad," he says without looking at me. I nod and continue to watch him.

"I mean, fuck Sophie, the last thing I said to him was to fuck off and die. And here we are, six months later and that might actually be the case."

"That is not what you said to him, Adam. Yes, you said some hurtful things to him, but you said them when you were in the heat of the moment. It's not like you wanted him to die; you did not cause this to happen, Babe."

"He didn't know that," he says, finally looking at me. I can see in his eyes that this is really wearing on him.

"He knew that no matter what, he was your father and you loved him, and I believe that he loved you. He may have not always showed it, but he cared."

"I just don't know how to deal with the fact that, my whole life they both have treated me like fucking hell, and now that something fucking tragic has happened, my mother thinks it's OK. My sister thinks it's OK, to treat me like shit, to treat you like you're the reason that my parents and I don't get along. And you know, OK, so what if he dies? Is it all going to go back to the way it was before? Or is my mother going to have some fucking awakening and realize what the hell she's done to Chris and me," he says, dropping his cigarette to the ground when he's done talking and putting it out with the toe of his boot.

"I understand that you're mad and that you're confused, babe," I say to him.

"Don't I have a fucking right to be?"

"Absolutely. You know that I know what they've done to you your whole life."

"Then what should I do? 'Cause to tell you the truth, I could use some of your Billie advice right now." I smile a little at him.

"You need to be strong for your brothers, and your sister, and your mother right now. You need to believe that your dad is going to pull through this, and that we'll be able to figure this thing out that you have with your parents; because it needs to be resolved, honey. Look at you, you're a mess over this, right now. This needs to be resolved because it's eating at you, and that's not healthy, babe," I say, watching as he lights another cigarette.

"I know it is. It's all I've thought about tonight in this fucking place. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be around any of them, right now," he says, pausing for a second. "It's nights like tonight that make me want to use..." I reach out and grab his arm.

"No you don't. I know it and you know it, you do not want to use."

"I know its the easy way out. I know that it would make all of this just go away for a little while so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore."

"You're right, it is the easy way out. But, since when do you and I do things the easy way, huh?" I say with a little smile. He tilts his head at me, acknowledging what I've said.

"This is true," he says. I put out my cigarette and go over to him, wrapping my arms around his body. He puts his arms around me and hugs me close to him. I can feel the warm tip of his cigarette near my shoulder, but I don't try to move away from it. Snow is falling now, and the sidewalk we're standing on is starting to get covered in a fine white dusting.

"Lets go inside. I should get back up there, and you should go see Austin before he kills himself," Adam says to me. I nod my head against his chest and he releases me, taking one last hit from his cigarette before putting it out and following me inside.

We go to the elevator and get on one. He gets off at the second floor, but I stay on and ride to the third floor, where the maternity ward is. When I get off I ask the nurses at the lobby desk about Jackie. They tell me that they just induced the labor and that she should be having the baby within the next couple of hours.

I walk down the hall towards the nursery, thinking about what Adam told me outside. It's the first time that he's told me that he's thought about using in a long time, and it's kind of got me worried a little bit. I know how much this is wearing on him, so I just pray that everything goes well in his dad's next surgery, so maybe they can work something out and he can be at peace.

I stand in front of the nursery and look in at the newborn babies. I see an empty plastic bassinet with a blue tag on it, that has the name Austin Michael, on it. I smile when I see it. I know that Jackie and Austin are having a boy, and a couple weeks ago, she told me that they were planning on giving it Austin's name.

"Gontier?" I hear a familiar raspy voice say from behind me. I turn around and see Austin standing behind me.

"Hey Winkler," I say, giving him a hug.

"What are you doing here?" he asks when we separate.

"Long story. They brought Adam's dad into the ER earlier," I say.

"What for?"

"He had a severe heart attack. He's in his second surgery right now, and we're not sure if he's gonna make it, it's not looking too good right now."

"Wow. How awful. How's Adam?" I shrug.

"Dealing with it, I guess. It's not an easy thing for him, there's a lot of bad blood there to deal with," I say. He nods.

"Hows Jackie? The nurse told me they just induced labor," I say, trying to change the subject to something more positive.

"She's hanging in there. She's such a champ, I'm telling you. She's amazing, I just can't believe that she's going to do this. She's going to have our baby, you know?" I smile at his enthusiasm.

"Are you nervous?"

"Fuck yeah! I mean, I'm going to be a father. How fucked up is that? You should be the father of this kid, not me," he says with a nervous laugh. I laugh with him.

"You're going to be an amazing father, Steener. I have all the faith in the world that when they put that little boy in your arms that your whole life is going to change," I say to him.

"Yeah it is. I'm just glad I'm doing it with her and I'm not going to be alone. She's already better at this shit than I am."

"Well, she's a woman. She has maternal instincts, that's her job." He nods and laughs again.

"So, can we go see her or is it doctors only?" I ask him.

"Right now it's doctors only until the baby's born. But, as soon as it is you guys have to come up and see him. I want you guys with us when he comes into the world."

"Have you called the other guys?"

"I sent them texts, but Mark and Cody are the only ones who have answered. Blower and Rex are probably still asleep."

"Well, it is only three a.m., Steen," I say with a wink.

"Yeah, that's true. Cody said that he'd stop by in the morning, and Mark told me to let him know when the baby was born and to let him know if we needed anything."

"What did you tell him?"

"That I needed some strong drugs to keep me from passing out when she's having the baby!" he says laughing again.

"Well, I'm gonna go back downstairs and let you get back to Jackie. Text me as soon as the baby is born and Adam and I will come up and see you guys, OK?"

"OK. Thanks for being here, even though you probably wouldn't be if Adam's dad wasn't in here," he says, hugging me.

"We would too. If you had texted me, needing us to be here we would be here in a second, you know that." He laughs.

"You're right. Tell Adam that we're thinking of him. I know Jackie would want to give him a hug or something."

"Well, tell her not to worry about us and to think only of that little baby she's having. Give her a hug for us," I say.

"I will."

"Love you, see you in a little bit, Daddy," I say, winking at him over my shoulder.

"Love you too!" he yells down the hall.

On my way down to the second floor in the elevator, I text Jack and give him an update on Adam's dad, that he doesn't reply to. He probably doesn't even know that we're gone. I get off of the elevator and see Adam and his family still in the waiting room, waiting for any news about Adam's dad. I take my seat in between Adam and Christian and tell Adam about Austin, Jackie, and Project Baby Austin Michael.

He listens while I talk to him, and nods and smiles in all the right places, but I can tell his mind is in other places, understandably so.

I see Christian look at his watch, then he looks over at Adam and I.

"I wonder how long this surgery is going to be," he says.

"Mmm, probably a couple hours, just like the other one," Adam says quietly. "Your dad had a heart attack, Sophie, right?" I nod.

"It wasn't as severe as your dad's, though, and the first surgery they did on him was different due to that fact. Your dad had an Angioplasty, and now a Triple Bypass. I don't remember the name of my dad's surgery, but I know he only had one and it didn't take as long as your dad's first."

They both nod and we go back to waiting in silence. I lean my head against Adam's shoulder and close my eyes.

"Wake me up when it's spring," I tell him.

"Would you like me to carry you home?"

"That would be nice, yes." He puts his hand on my thigh and I try to fall asleep, which is impossible in this hospital with all these people walking around, and machines beeping, and people talking over the loud speaker.

I open my eyes only when Adam squeezes my leg and says my name. I look up and see two doctors walking into the waiting room. I grab Adam's hand, and reach over and take one of Christian's hands, holding them both in my lap, instantly awake.

"Doctor's, how is Jackson?" Adam's mother asks them, standing up from her seat. They both have that dumb, unreadable, somber look that doctors always have on their faces, so I can't tell if somethings happened. One of them looks at the other, looks at the floor, then looks back up at her.

"I, um... we're very sorry to have to tell you this, but we did everything we could. Your husband died on the table. We're very sorry."