When Everything Gets Crazy, I Get Lost In You.

My mother was right. I have gained weight.

"Crap," I say out loud to no one in particular, looking down at the scale.

Today is the photoshoot that Adam set up for us to do with some Canadian rock magazine. We have to do some outdoor shots together, then some studio shots, then an interview. It will be my first interview like this, so I'm not really sure what to expect and I'm kind of nervous. Adam has done hundreds of these things, so for him it's just another day.

I look back down at the scale, hoping that it's changed it's mind about my weight. It hasn't.

"Crap." Adam walks in then.

"My mother was right," I tell him. He looks like he's trying to think about what the hell I might be talking about.

"About what now?"

"I have gained weight."

"No you haven't."

"I have too, look," I point down at the scale and he comes over and looks at it. He shrugs.

"So what? I gained weight too since we've been home."

"Well it's not a big confidence booster on the day you're going to a photo shoot and you need to look hot and sexy, and you find out that you've gained weight and are fat," I pout.

"You're not fat," he comes over and kisses me. When he pulls away he grabs my lip ring in his teeth, and pulls it out toward him.

"Ouch, babe!" He lets go and I cover my lower lip with my hand. He laughs and smacks my ass.

"Get dressed! Billie's going to be here soon to do your make-up and shit." He walks out of the room and I get dressed. Apparently there's going to be wardrobe for this shoot, but no hair and make-up person, which I find weird but, whatever.

"Babe, Billie's here!" I hear Adam yell as I pull on a pair of jeans.

"OK," I yell back. Billie comes into the bathroom a second later with a huge make-up bag.

"Holy shit. Is that all for me?" I ask her.

"You wish, my girl. Sit up on the counter and I'll get started." I do as she says and she opens up the bag and starts going through it.

We talk while she does a bunch of things to my eyes that I could never do to myself without looking like a clown. Then we take a break so I can smoke.

"You know you really should stop smoking, Sophie. How can you have babies if you're smoking? That's probably why you can't get pregnant," Billie says.

"I can get pregnant because I'm on the pill, and we're not trying," I say dully. I'm just not in the mood for this.

"You should still stop. Do you know how many people die everyday because of smoking?"

"Do you know how many people die on school buses everyday? I'll take my chances."

"Someones in a bad mood this morning."

"I gained weight," I say, as if that's supposed to explain everything.

"Could you already be pregnant?"

"Billie..." I warn.

"It happens, you know. People get pregnant all the time when they're on the pill."

"I know." Trust me, I know. It already happened once. I put my cigarette out.

"I'm not pregnant."

"A woman can hope, right?" I sigh and she goes back to the make-up thing.

Jack comes in a second later and starts going through the vanity drawers.

"What are you looking for, baby?" I ask him.

"Hair stuff." He picks up a canister and reads the label.

"Pomade. What does that do?"

"You can use that. Only use a little bit though." I watch as he twists the lid off of it and takes some of the product in his fingers, and starts rubbing it in his hair.

"Look at how good Jack looks, Billie," I say as she wipes some kind of foundation on my face.

"Mmhmm."

"Is that some kind of a joke? Because I'm not really in the mood," Jack says.

"No, I'm serious. I remember how skinny you were when we first got you. Now you look so healthy."

"Not doing crack and speed everyday will do that to a person."

"It's a good look for you." He grins a little and twists the lid back on the pomade.

"Love you," he says quietly before he leaves the room. Billie looks at me after he's gone.

"You're beaming," she says.

"When we first met Jack he didn't believe in love. He didn't have any example in his life of love, he didn't know what it was. Now he doesn't leave the room without telling Adam and I that he loves us."

"You saved that boy."

"He's saved us in so many ways too. A big part of Adam staying healthy this long is because of him, and he's taught me so much about myself, and people in general. I'm so thankful for him. He's one of my best friends," I say, pausing for a second to think.

"Marrying Adam, and... I don't even know what word to use for Jack, but having him here, and taking care of him. Those are the two best things I will ever do in my life." She smiles and nods.

"You're all done," she says. I hop down from the counter and look at what she did in the mirror.

"I'm almost thirty years old and I still can't do make-up like you do, Billie. You're a life saver."

"I do what I can." She picks up all of her stuff and puts it back in her bag, and leaves.

Adam and I leave not too long after, and drive to the studio for the shoot.

The entire time I'm trying on clothes at the shoot, I'm growing more and more self conscious of the fact that I've gained weight. It's really bugging me, and I really don't want to be doing this.

Usually I have a lot of confidence in myself and my body, but I've had a weird cloud hanging over me all day. I nearly bit one of the stylists head off when she suggested that I wear a bathing suit for part of the outdoor shoot.

Adam is giving me weird glances because he can tell somethings up with me, which is making me feel even worse. That's the last thing I need is for my husband to be embarrassed of me at our first photo shoot and interview together.

After the outdoor shoot, we go back to the studio and do the interview, which goes pretty good. It was a lot better than the photo shoot. The ask a couple of questions about Adam's past drug use, which was fine, but it's not something that we like to talk to the public about. I know that Adam has tried to keep as much of that time in his life as private as possible, but it's still public knowledge that can't really be ignored even though it's been a couple years.

"You okay?" Adam asks me on the drive home. It's pretty late and I'm drained.

"I'm great. Just a little tired," I say with a smile. He squeezes my hand a little and kisses the top of it.

When we get home Adam goes down to the basement to do some writing, and I decide to try and find something to cook for dinner.

I open the fridge and find two plates covered in foil. One with my name written on it, and the other with Adam's. I take mine out and take the foil off of it. There's a steak and a baked potato on it. Jack must have cooked the food when we were gone.

I stare down at the plate and light a cigarette, feeling guilty for both, then feeling guilty about feeling guilty. God, what is with me today? I go on like this until I find myself sitting on the kitchen floor crying.

Adam comes up a few minutes later, and finds me on the floor. He gets a concerned look on his face, then comes over and sits next to me, putting his arms around me.

"Babe, what's wrong?" he asks gently. "Did something happen?" I shake my head.

"Shh," he says into my hair until I calm down a little.

"I just don't feel like I'm good enough for anybody anymore. I'm too fat, and I smoke, and I'm not pregnant," I sob.

"Babe."

"It's true! Everyone says it. Soon enough you'll see it too. I'll be a big fat cow who isn't pregnant, and who smokes, and you won't want anything to do with me."

"You do know how ridiculous that sounds, right?"

"See, you already think I'm crazy!" He sighs.

"Jack!" he yells. A second later I hear Jack come out of his room.

"Where are you?"

"Kitchen," Adam says. He steps around the end of the counter and observes the sight of us sitting on the floor, and me bawling my eyes out.

Adam looks up at him.

"Family meeting time." Jack comes over and sits on the floor with us.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Apparently one of us needs some reassurance on how beautiful she is, and how much we love her and need her."

"I'm fat!" I yell. Jack starts laughing and Adam shoots him a look that makes him stop immediately.

"Mama you are not fat. Far from it. You're beautiful."

"You're just saying that to be nice."

"No I'm not. I think you're beautiful and amazing," he pauses. "Truth is, I want to be you, but that's not going to happen, obviously." he's rambling and not making eye contact, which is something we've been working on with him.

"I really don't know what I would do without you, ya know?"

"I'll double that statement," Adam says to me with a smile.

"You just can't listen to what other people say. You could quit smoking, lose fifty pounds and become a baby making machine, and it's not going to change how much we love you."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course." Adam leans in and kisses my forehead. "You're the only one who has ever put up with my shit, and been able to give it right back to me. So I think I'll keep you around." Jack looks up at me and smiles.

"I love guys both, so much."

"We love you," Jack says.

My cell phone starts ringing and Adam reaches over and grabs it, looking at the caller ID.

"Austin," he says.

"Answer it," I tell him. He presses the button and puts the phone up to his ear.

"Hello." I wipe my eyes with the the sleeve of Jack's sweatshirt and listen to him talk.

"Right now, are you sure?" Adam says. I look at him and mouth what is it, but he doesn't say anything.

"Well, isn't it too soon?" I can hear Austin's voice coming through the phone, but I can't tell what he's saying.

"We'll meet you there, just try and stay calm." He hangs up and looks at me.

"He's taking Jackie to the hospital. She just went into labor."

"It's way too early!"

"I know. Let's go. Jackie you stay here." Jack nods and Adam and I get up and quickly run out to Adam's car.

All of my petty shit doesn't matter right now. All that matter is going to our friends and being with them, because no one knows this feeling better than Adam and I.