When Everything Gets Crazy, I Get Lost In You.

"I, um... we're very sorry to have to tell you this, but we did everything we could. Your husband died on the table. We're very sorry."

I feel both Adam and Christian squeeze my hands at the same time as soon as the words are out of the Doctor's mouth. I hear Adam's mother and sister immediately start sobbing and screaming. The sound of them crying is killing me, and I feel a tear fall from my eye.

Adam takes my hand and places the back of it against his lips, and I reach over and take the back of his head in my other hand, pulling him close to me and cradling his head against my chest. He reaches over and grabs Christian's hand. Neither of them are crying or showing a lot of emotion. I know this must be really hard for them, though. Their mother and Caitlin are both on their knees on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. I lean down and kiss Adam on the top of his head, which is covered by his black trucker hat.

"Go to them," I whisper loud enough so that both he and Chris can hear me. Without a word, they both get up and go over to where the two women are crying on the floor.

Cale and Caitlin's husband, John, are crouched beside them, but are having little luck in getting them back to their feet, especially Cale, who is also crying. Adam and Christian go over to them and Adam, takes his sister around her shoulders, and hauls her up so that she's at his level again. He wraps his arms around her tightly while she cries and shakes against his body. I notice that Christian has their mother back to her feet now, and both he and Cale and hugging her.

I'm still sitting in my chair, across from John, who is back to sitting and watching as the family grieves. I bite my lower lip to try and keep from crying with them. I think it would be kind of awkward for me to cry for a man that I didn't even know, and who I've been accused of keeping his son away from.

"Can we see him? Is there any way we can see him, just to say goodbye?" I hear Adam's mother ask the Doctor's. She's still crying, just not as hard as she was a couple minutes ago.

"Yes. We put him in a regular room because we knew that you all would want to say goodbye. You'll be more comfortable there than in an operating room," one of them says.

"Can we go now?" Christian asks.

"Yes, just follow me this way." Adam places his arm around his sister's shoulder's and starts to follow the Doctor's down the hallway, all of them leaving John and I in the waiting room.

"They need this time alone together to be a family," John says to me after they're gone. I nod and wipe a little tear from my eye.

"I feel so bad for them. Especially Caitlin, she was the closest of the kids to him," he says.

"Yeah she was," I say quietly.

"I'm sorry for what she said to you, or about you, earlier tonight." I shake my head.

"It's fine. Like I told Chris, I know what everyone in this family thinks that I've done to Adam, trying to keep him away from you all, or whatever. I've learned to just deal with it, I guess." He nods and we're silent for a few minutes. I hear my cell phone short ring in a text message in my purse that is sitting on the floor by my feet. When I take it out, I see that the message is from Austin.

"OMG Soph! We have a baby! He's so beautiful. U guys have to come up here!"

"That's great, Steener. How is Jackie?" I reply.

"She's great, he's great. Ten fingers, ten toes!"

"I'm so happy for you, Austin. Give Jackie and that little one our love."

"Aren't u guys coming up?"

"Adam's dad just died... idk when we'll be up."

"OMG Sophie. I'm sorry.

"It's OK. Can u meet me outside for a smoke later? idk when we're going to get out of here & I need a cigarette."

"Can u go right now?"

"Yes."

"Meet me outside ER." I snap my phone shut and put it back in my purse.

"Hey, John. Can you tell Adam when he comes back out here, that I went outside to smoke?" I ask him.

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Thanks." I get up out of my chair and take the elevator down to the first floor.

When I go outside the ER door, I don't see Austin. So I get my cigarettes out of my purse and put one in my mouth to wait for him, not lighting it up since I don't have my lighter in my purse for some reason.

Austin comes out a minute later and comes over to me, hugging me tightly.

"How you doing, Soph?" he asks me.

"I'm OK."

"Hows Adam?"

"I don't know. I haven't hardly seen him, he went with his family to see his dad and I left before they came back. I don't know how he's doing."

"That sucks."

"Enough about me though, you have a baby!" I say trying to act excited. I'm really happy for him and Jackie, but I'm sure my enthusiasm is a little hindered.

"We do! Oh my God, Soph, he's beautiful. I can't wait for you to see him."

"I can't wait to see him. Jackie's doing good, there were no complications or anything?" I ask.

"No complications. She handled everything like a champ."

"Aww, I'm so proud of her!"

"Me too. She's so amazing. As soon as they put that baby in her arms, she just was instantly a mother, you know? Like, she was born to have this kid or something, it was amazing to see."

"I bet. Tell me about him. What color is his hair, and his eyes. How big is he?"

"He has dark hair, obviously, and he has blue eyes, like mine, Jackie said. He's eight pounds and three ounces, and he's twenty one inches long. He's a pretty big baby, which they said that was normal since the two of us are tall, ya know?"

"He sounds amazing, Austin." I have my back facing the ER door, but I see Austin shift his glance to over my shoulder and I hear the ER door open. I look over my shoulder and see Adam walking towards us, lighting a cigarette that's in his mouth. I turn towards him and he gives me a half hearted attempt at a smile.

"Hey babe," I say to him.

"Hey," he says quietly, nodding at Austin.

"Did J have the baby?" he asks him.

"Yeah, about an hour ago. They're doing great." Adam nods.

"Congratulations man, that's really great."

"How are you doing?" I ask him. He shrugs his shoulder and takes a long hit from his cigarette.

"I'm really sorry about your dad, man," Austin says to him.

"Thanks Austin." We all stand in awkward silence for a second while we finish smoking, then Austin tells us that he's going to go back up to check on Jackie and the baby, leaving Adam and I alone finally.

"How are your mom and Caitlin doing?" I ask him.

"Not really good. My mom is upstairs trying to call around to some funeral homes so that they can come and get him and take him to prepare for a funeral. Caitlin is just kind of going, moving, you know? I think she's kind of numb about it."

"How are you doing?" I ask him again.

"I don't really know. It was so much easier to hate him when he was alive, you know? How do you hate a dead man?"

"You don't. He was your father and whether or not you got along, you have a right to grieve with your family."

"Do I, though? I mean, really? How do I grieve for a man that I had such disdain for my whole life?" he says. "It's not like my dad and I were like how you and your dad are. It's not like I have all these great memories to look back on and grieve like a normal person, like Caitlin and Cale and my mom are."

"I know. But you'll find a way to grieve for him in time. It'll come, I promise."

"It's so weird right now. Like, he was here and now he's just not." I go over to him and wrap my arms around his waist, hugging him tightly.

"I love you, and I'm here whenever you need me, OK?" I say to him. He puts his arms tightly around my shoulders and rests his chin on the top of my head.

"Thank you for loving me, and being here right now," he says. I nod my head against his chest.

"We should go back upstairs and see if there is anything we can do to help my mom out, and see if we can go home. We have to go see Jackie and the baby, too before we leave," he says to me. I nod again and let go of him.

We walk back into the hospital and take the elevators back up to the second floor. I see Adam's whole family, except for his mother, still sitting in the waiting room. They all look about as tired as Adam does, and I feel. His mother is standing with a nurse at the front lobby desk, on the phone with someone. I can't make out what she's saying, but she's writing some things down on a piece of paper, so I assume she's trying to make arrangements with a funeral home to come and get Adam's father's body.

I hug Christian and Cale, and sit down next to Adam. Caitlin is sitting with John and he has his arms around her. She looks up at Adam and I when we come into the waiting room, but she doesn't say anything to anyone. I can see that Adam was right when he said that he thought she was numb to everything. Adam's mother comes over a second later and sits in a chair next to Cale.

"The funeral home said that they were going to send someone out immediately, and that we can start planning a viewing for Tuesday, and a funeral for Wednesday," she says. I nod my head, taking in all of what she said.

"You all can probably start going home now. There's nothing else that's going to happen here tonight once funeral home people get here," she says.

"We'll stay," Adam says without a lot of emotion.

"Daddy would want us all together," Caitlin says finally. I see Christian and Cale both nodding.

"At least until the funeral home people get here," Adam says.

We all sit together in complete silence, while we wait for the funeral home people to get here and take the body away. Once they finally come, Adam's mother goes with them to escort the body to the funeral home, and Christian leaves so that he can take her home afterwards. Caitlin, John, and Cale, all leave together. Adam and I take the elevator up to the third floor, the maternity ward.

We ask the front lobby clerk where Jackie's room is and she points us in the right direction. I hope that she's not sleeping, it's about nine o' clock in the morning now. We knock on the door and hear Austin yell for us to come in.

"Hey guys, we didn't expect you to come up here!" Jackie says from where she's laying in bed holding the baby. Austin shakes Adam's hand and they do a little bro hug thing. I go over to Jackie and hug her as tight as I can without squishing the baby.

"How are you feeling?" I ask her.

"Tired, but other than that really good. Do you want to hold him?"

"I don't know, Jackie. I'm so tired right now, I would probably drop him," I say, pulling back a small piece of the blanket so I can get a better look at him.

"Don't be silly, here," she says, "Hold out your arms and make sure you support his head," she says, placing the tiny baby in my arms.

I hold him like she tells me to and walk over to where there is a chair, and sit down in it. Austin tells Adam to go over to where I'm sitting so he can take pictures of us with the baby.

"Has your mom been here yet?" I ask Jackie.

"No, she's coming this afternoon." I nod and look at Adam, who is crouched next to the chair, looking at the baby in my arms with a smile on his face.

"He's beautiful, you guys," I say to them.

"Yeah he is," Austin says proudly. I stand up and give the baby back to Jackie.

"Come here, Adam," she says gently, and he goes over to the bed where she's laying.

"Put your arms out," she says.

"Oh no, Jackie. That's OK," he says to her.

"Put your arms out, Adam," she says a little more sternly. He does as she instructs and she carefully places the baby in his arms.

"Make sure you support his little head," she tells him. He walks over to where I'm standing next to Austin, looking down at the baby.

"He's a big boy," he says to Austin.

"Yeah he is, isn't he?"

"He looks like you, man."

"That's what she said, but I don't know if I believe that."

"He does," I say to him. Adam hands Little Austin off to his daddy and puts his arm around my shoulders.

"Well, we should get going and let you guys get some rest before your mom gets here," he says to them both.

"Yes, well thanks for coming up," Jackie says. I go over and give her another hug, tighter this time since she doesn't have the baby anymore. Adam is behind me, waiting to give her a hug. When he does, she puts her hand on the back of his neck when he goes to pull away. I watch as she says something quietly in his ear so that no one else can hear, and see him smile a little when she lets go of him.

"Take care of your boys," I tell her when Adam comes back over to me.

"You too," she says, smiling at us.

"Be good you two. Love you," I say, squeezing Austin's shoulder as we start to leave the room.

"You too. Thanks for coming up."

"If you guys need anything, call and let us know," Adam says to them.

"You too," Jackie says.

We walk out of the room and hold hands as we walk to the elevators, to take us back to the first floor so we can go home finally. I'm so tired I can hardly think straight, but I volunteer to drive home so Adam doesn't have to.

When we pull into our driveway, I see Nikki's car in the driveway next to where mine is parked. The dogs are outside and come running up to us from the back yard, barking. We pet them and go inside. Once we get inside, Adam goes immediately into our bedroom, without seeing Jack or Nikki. I go into the kitchen where the two of them are waiting.

"Hey, you're home. What happened to Adam's dad? Where is Adam?" Jack asks, rushed.

"He's in the bedroom, he didn't really want to see anybody right now. He'll be out later, though."

"That doesn't sound good. His dad didn't make it, did he?" I shake my head at them and look down at the floor.

"Oh Sophie," he says, coming over and giving me a hug. As soon as he releases me, Nikki grabs me and hugs me.

"I'm gonna go in and see how he's doing. We're both really tired from being up all night, so we'll probably just go to sleep for a while," I tell them.

"Yeah, of course." I go into the bedroom and see Adam laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I take off my trench coat and boots, and crawl in next to him. He puts his arm around my body, pulling me so that I'm on top of him.

"I need to feel you breathing, and your heart beating," he says to me.

"Babe."

"I know. Just please." I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes, knowing that sleep won't be too far off.