When Everything Gets Crazy, I Get Lost In You.

I pull into my driveway two days after Christmas at about 7:30 at night. Nikki and I went to Chicago today to make some returns and do some shopping with some of the gift cards we both received this year. Then I dropped her back off at her parents place, where she had to move back into a few weeks ago. I don't see Jack's car in the driveway, which is a little weird since I don't remember him having any classes or work tonight. I park next to where he usually parks, and take my stuff into the house.

I toss my keys into a dish on the sideboard with Adam's and take my coat off and hang it up in the closet.

"Babe, I'm home," I call out as I walk into the bedroom to put my shopping bags away. I get no answer from him, which seems a little odd but I ignore it. When I go back out to the foyer to take my boots off, I notice that there is light coming from the TV in the living room, but no sound.

"Babe?" I say again as I walk into the living room. I see him sitting on the edge of the couch with his elbows on his knees, staring at nothing with a completely blank look on his face. There is a bottle of Jack Daniel's that is half empty on the coffee table in front of him, and a glass next to it that's also half empty.

I look over at Jack's bedroom door and notice that it's open like it usually is when he's not home. I feel like someone has tossed a lasso around my heart and is pulling the rope to make it tighten. I know that one thing that would make Adam drink himself into oblivion, would be if something had happened to Jack.

"Adam where's Jack?" I ask, trying to get his attention, stepping into the living room further.

"Sat a class," he slurs in a voice that's barely above a whisper, still not looking at me. I watch as he puts his hand up by his face and bites his thumb nail a little, then quickly uses the same hand to scratch his other arm furiously. I give him a confused expression, that he doesn't notice because he still hasn't looked at me. I walk around the coffee table and go down on my knees beside him, placing my hands on his right arm.

"Adam, what's wrong with you? What happened?" I ask him, trying to stay calm. He shakes his head a little, then turns his head sharply and looks at me in the eye with the same dead stare he's had this whole time. It's startling to see him like this, especially since I have absolutely no idea what is wrong with him. I've seen him drunk before, but he's never looked like this.

In one quick movement, he grabs my arm and the side of my face and kisses me. His grip on me is rough. I'm used to him being rough sometimes, sexually, but this feels different, like he's trying to be rough and mean or something. His lips on mine are sloppy and also rough. I know that if this keeps going I'm going to have bruises on my arm tomorrow, so I use my free hand against his chest to push him off of me.

"Talk to me, Adam. Please, tell me what is wrong with you," I plead with him. He gives me a confused look, then shakes his head again and goes back to staring at nothing.

"Adam, please. Why are you drinking like this? What happened? Something happened when I was gone today, right? Tell me what happened. I can't help you fix it, if you won't talk to me."

"I don't want to talk about it," he says, taking a drink from the glass that has been sitting on the coffee table this whole time.

"Why not? What happened here that was that bad?"

"I said that I don't want to fucking talk about it. Why can't you just let it fucking be?!" he screams, standing up quickly and stomping off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. I sit on my knees with my mouth hanging open. I can't believe that he just did that, that he just screamed at me like that.

I sit there for a second, trying to think about what I'm going to do next. I need to figure out exactly what I'm dealing with here. I need to know if he's on something more than just whiskey, because if he is, I have more problems than I first thought. I never witnessed Adam when he was on any serious drugs, so I really don't know how he is on them. I did see him on pills one time, and he was different, he was a functioning human being, not like this.

I get up and take the bottle of booze to the kitchen sink and pour it down the drain, leaving the empty bottle in the sink when I'm done. Then I get the home phone and dial Jack's cell phone number, hoping to catch him in between classes or something. To my relief, he answers on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me," I say quietly, not really wanting Adam to hear me from in the other room.

"What's up, mama?"

"Um, I was wondering if you could stay over at Nikki's tonight."

"Her parent's might not like that very much, but I can see."

"If they say no, go over to Shaun's, or Daisy's, or Mike's, even."

"What's wrong, mama? You sound panicked, or something," he says. I sigh into the phone.

"Something happened here today and I have to deal with some things with my husband, and I think it would be better if you weren't here while I did that."

"Somethings wrong with Adam?"

"Just let me know where you end up staying, OK baby?"

"Yeah, I will. I love you."

"I love you too, baby. Bye," I say, hanging up. I lean on the kitchen counter, wondering what Adam is doing in the other room by himself. Simba and Mabel are laying on their beds, staring at me with big doggie smiles on their faces. I jump a little when the phone rings in my hand. I look at the caller ID and see that it's Billie.

"Hello?" I say to her quietly, again not really wanting Adam to hear me.

"Hey baby girl, what's up?" she says cheerfully.

"Um, I'm not really sure." she's quiet for a second.

"What does that mean?"

"Mommy, something is wrong with Adam and I don't know what, or how to fix him," I say, trying not to cry.

"What do you mean somethings wrong with him? What's wrong with him?"

"When I came home he was wasted. He was drinking, but I don't know if that's all he's on, or if he's high. I'm so scared for him and I don't know what to do. I told Jack to spend the night somewhere else tonight, so that he doesn't have to see him like this, but other than that I don't know what to do."

"What did he say to you?"

"Adam? He didn't say anything. He was staring into space like a freaking mental patient, or something. He was scratching his arms and stuff, and then he yelled at me, telling me that he didn't want to talk about it and that he wanted me to just let it be."

"Sophie, listen to me. First things first, you need to take care of yourself. Do not let him see you break down. Do not cry, do not tell him you're scared, OK?" she says, snapping into Billie mode.

"OK," I say, wiping a tear from my cheek.

"Then you have to find whatever is in that house that doesn't belong there. I mean every bottle of booze, any drugs, anything and get it out of the house. Help him sober up and get him talking to you. You have to know what he's on before you can deal with why, understand me?" While she's talking, Adam comes out of the bedroom and walks into the kitchen. He opens the fridge and the freezer, then turns around and sees the empty bottle of booze in the sink. He looks at the bottle, enraged, then looks at me.

"Get off the fucking phone," he says to me. I give him a confused look, trying to listen to what Billie is saying on the phone.

"Sophie, are you there?" Billie asks me.

"I'm here," I say.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Is he standing right there?"

"Yes."

"I said get off the phone or I'll smash that motherfucker!" Adam screams at me.

"Billie, I have to go now," I say to her.

"Sophie, you need to get out of there. I'm worried about you being with him when he's like this. It's obviously more serious than I first thought."

"No, I have to go now, Mom. I'll call you later, OK? Bye," I say quickly, hanging up on her and setting the phone back on the hook.

"What did you tell her?" Adam yells at me.

"Don't fucking worry about my conversations with my mother! You don't want to talk to me, I don't have to talk to you, either, Adam! How dare you fucking yell at me while I'm on the fucking phone!" I scream back at him.

"When your fucking mother calls and you have to tell her about how fucked up I am. You wanna talk about fucked up? That's fucked up," he yells.

"Empty your pockets," I say, trying to be calm.

"What?" he spits.

"Empty your fucking pockets, Adam! Right here on the counter, I want to see what you have." he gives me a dirty look, then reaches into the pockets of his black jeans. He pulls out his cigarettes, lighter, some change, and a wadded up piece of paper, then reaches back and unclips his wallet from it's chain and throws it up on the counter too.

"There, happy now?" he spits again, walking away from me. I pick up the pack of cigarettes and look inside of it, nothing that shouldn't be there. Then I open up the piece of paper, finding Barry and Heather's new cell phone numbers written on the the inside. I go through his wallet and find nothing as well.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he yells.

"I'm being a wife, Adam! I'm fucking worried about you, don't you see that?"

"Did you want to check my fucking arms for needle marks too, butterfly? Would that make you fucking happy?" he snaps at me.

"No, I don't want to see your arms," I say quietly, walking to our bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I go into our walk in closet and open all of the drawers on Adam's dresser and go through them, looking for anything that doesn't belong there and not finding anything. I look through our whole bedroom and find nothing, so I guess this is a good thing.

I go back out to the living room and find Adam sitting on the couch again, smoking a cigarette and drinking the last of the whiskey that's in the glass that I left on the coffee table.

"Why won't you just tell me what's wrong with you, and let me help you?" I ask him gently.

"Maybe I don't need your help this time, Sophie. Did you ever think that?" I purse my lips and nod my head a little at him.

"You're right. You're fine, and I'm the crazy one here. So, you know what Adam? Since you don't need me, I'm leaving. You'll know where to find me when you think you need to," I say, turning around and walking to the foyer. I put my boots on and my coat, and grab my purse, cell phone and keys, and walk out the front door. He never tries to stop me, which doesn't really surprise me.

I back out of the driveway and pull out onto the road and drive in the snow which has just started falling. I drive out of the lake area and it's twisting, turning roads, and out into town a little. I pull off onto a road and drive for a little ways until I reach my parents house, then I pull into their driveway and park behind my father's truck. I grab my purse and walk up to the front porch and push their door open without knocking. I see my Dad sitting on the couch watching TV by himself. He barely looks up when I walk in the door.

"Where's Mom?" I ask him.

"In the kitchen." I walk off to the kitchen and find Billie pouring herself a cup of coffee. I drop my purse on the counter and she gives me a startled look, then rushes over to me and gives me a hug. I immediately break down on her shoulder, crying hysterically.

"Shh, it's OK baby girl," she whispers to me as she smoothes my hair with her hand, and rubs my back.

"I don't know what to even do to help him. He's just so set against me right now," I sob.

"What happened? Did he do something to you?"

"No, he just told me that he didn't need my help and I got angry. I was angry before and he was angry and I just left. I shouldn't have gotten so angry at him, that's why he doesn't want me around right now, because I yelled at him. I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed and tried to figure this whole thing out, now he's by himself doing Lord knows what."

"Honey, don't think about that. He just needs to sober up and he'll realize he was wrong, then you can figure things out together. You just need to be away from each other for a little while so he can figure himself out, first."

"I should have stayed, Mom! What if he does something stupid and hurts himself and I'm not there? I would never forgive myself if something happened to him and I wasn't there." she wipes my tears away with her thumbs and smiles at me, reassuringly.

"He's going to be fine, baby. Come on, lets sit and have some coffee," she says. I nod and I sit down at the bar while she pours me a cup of coffee, bringing hers over from when I first got here. She leans against the bar across from me.

"I was so horrible to him. I asked him to empty his pockets on the counter like he was some, criminal or something. Then I searched our whole bedroom," I say to her, after taking a sip of my coffee.

"Did you find anything?"

"No, nothing. I forgot about getting any other booze out of the house, though. I'm such a fucking failure."

"No you're not. You're worried about your husband, and you're frazzled. It's not surprising that you forgot something like that."

"You wouldn't forget something like that. I'm such a failure as a wife. I mean, how could I leave my husband like that? I should know by now that leaving isn't the answer, I know how bad it hurts to be left when you're having problems like this."

"You're not a failure. You needed to be alone, and you needed to let him be alone. You realized that it was safer for both of you at this time to be away from each other. Because, lets face it, nothing good would have come if you had stayed there while he's like this. I heard him on the phone, Sophie, he's not in a good place right now, for whatever reason." I shake my head at her.

"Adam would never hurt me," I say, sipping at my coffee.

"Not intentionally, he wouldn't. But he's not in his right mind right now. Imagine if he had done something, how he would feel about it?" I sigh.

"It's a good thing that you left, baby girl. You did what you had to do for yourself, and in the long run of things, for him. You just may not realize it right now, because you're hurting for him and you want to be there for him."

"I just want to go to bed. This day had so much potential, now it's just hell."

"You can sleep in your old room. Are you spending the night?"

"I don't know. I told Adam that he would know where to find me when he needed to, but I can't imagine that he'd be willing to see me tonight."

"Then go on back and try and get some rest. Everything will work out, I promise. You and Adam are meant to be together forever, nothing is going to get the best of you two."

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"I know. No matter what happens, you and Adam will always have unfinished business with each other. Just like your father and me." I nod and think about what she said for a second, when I hear heels clicking on the floor behind me. I turn around and see Daisy standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Honey!" she says, holding her arms out to me. I run over to her and hug her tightly.

"Shaun told me that Jack was spending the night over at his place and that something was wrong with Adam, so I went over there and your truck was gone so I came over here. What happened baby?" she asks me. I lift my head up off of her shoulder and look down at her. Even when she's wearing heels I'm still at least four inches taller than her.

"I'll tell you about it later. Will you spend the night with me?" I ask her. She smiles at me.

"Of course I will. It'll be just like when we were in high school, spending the night at Joe and Billie's!" she says, and I laugh at her. I grab my purse and we go back to my old bedroom together, and I tell her the whole story about what happened with Adam at the house. She tells me that Jack had told her when she was at Shaun's, that Nikki's parent's didn't want him to spend the night at their place, so he was forced to stay at Shaun's. I'm kind of glad that's where he is. Shaun has always been really good to him.

She pulls a cot out from under my bed that has been there since we were in high school. Anytime she used to spend the night at my house, she would sleep on this cot right next to my bed. We put some blankets on the cot and shut the lights off. Pretty soon I hear Daisy's breathing steady and I realize that she's asleep. I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling for a little while, then I hear my phone ring in a text message. When I look at it, I see that it's from Jack.

"R U awake?"

"Yes. Why aren't you sleeping?" I send back.

Would you believe me if I said Shaun and Daisy are in the next room boffing, and it's keeping me up?" I smile to myself.

"No, because she's laying on the floor next to me."

Shaun's in trouble then.