Therapy

Tucking a lock of her auburn hair behind her ear, Erin Bennett took a deep breath in preparation for her next appointment. Smoothing the folds of the black and red rosebud print dress she wore, Erin fixed a warm smile on her face as she heard a polite tapping on the door of her office. Her secretary and good friend Jude appeared, a knowing look in her eyes.

“Mr and Mrs Haner are here, shall I send them straight in?” she asked softly.

“Please,” Erin answered, collecting the couple’s file from her desk, along with her pen and notebook.

Moments later, the door opened once again, and Erin stepped forward to greet the pair who entered the room, a horrible, uncomfortable silence so evident between them.

“Michelle, Brian, it’s good to see you. Why don’t you take a seat?” Erin offered, indicating towards the couch that was opposite the chair where she would sit for the next hour.

Not able to stop the frown that formed, Erin watched the couple sit at opposite ends of the couch, putting as much distance between them as was physically possible given the circumstances. Occupying herself with seating herself down and opening the file she had placed in her lap, Erin began to wonder just why they kept coming to her each week. They had been seeking guidance and help from her for almost three months, and yet there were no clear signs of improvement. If anything, the rift between them was deepening with each passing session. The temptation to tell them that maybe they should seek help from elsewhere, or give up altogether had often filtered through Erin’s mind. However, she had always managed to restrain herself, ever the professional.

“So, how have things been since we last met?” Erin enquired, her naturally gentle tone breaking the silence.

Not getting any response, Erin went for a slightly different approach.

“Brian, did you give any more consideration to Michelle’s wish to be on the road with you for the entire time you tour?” she questioned.

“Hah! Of course he damn well never! He never considers anything I may want!” the blonde spat, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

Biting back a response, a skill which she had managed to develop somewhat quickly with Michelle over the months, Erin ignored the outburst, keeping her attention fixed firmly on the man who sat forward on the couch, his broad shoulders slumped, head bowed, his deep brown eyes concentrating on the hardwood flooring.

“Brian?” Erin coaxed gently.

Raising his head enough so that his eyes met hers, Brian gazed at her. Erin tried not to allow the sadness and despair she saw swimming in the dark pools of his affect her, she couldn’t let her own feelings on the disaster of a marriage that sat before her take over.

“I’ve done nothing but think about it,” Brian finally answered, his voice barely audible. “But if you’d been around Chelle, then maybe we would have had the chance to actually sit down and discuss it.”

Looking back at Michelle, Erin waited for an explanation. She had done nothing but implore that communication was one of the vital keys in trying to turn their marriage around. Yet, Brian appeared to be the only one that wanted to heed her advice. It saddened Erin, because deep within, she knew he was doing all he could to make his marriage work, to prove to everyone that had warned him it would never last that it was going to do just that.

“I’ve been busy Brian, you know this. And you’ve not exactly been spending a great deal of time at home so that we could even hold a conversation,” Michelle threw back at her husband, sounding almost bored with the session already.

“I’ve been rehearsing for the fucking tour!” Brian yelled.

“Yes, the tour that I want to be on!”

“Chelle, we fight like cat and dog as it is, we’ll end up murdering each other if we’re on that fucking bus together for months on end!”

Letting out an exasperated breath, Erin closed her green eyes and rubbed her temples briefly as the petty spat began to escalate. For the last few weeks, each session with the Haners had resulted in a full blown argument, and each week, Erin tried to convince herself that the next session would be more productive. Of all the couples she had been counsellor to, whose marriages she had aided in putting back together, Brian and Michelle were the only ones who had succeeded in making her feel a complete failure.

“Let’s try calming down and discuss this rationally,” Erin attempted to interject, her words lost amongst the insults and slurs that the couple slung at each other.

Dumping the file and notebook on the coffee table in front of her, Erin stood up and left the office, closing the door more than a little firmly behind her, her departure from the room going completely unnoticed.

Jude gave Erin a sympathetic look as she watched her head for the water cooler. She was very aware of how difficult it was for her friend to have to witness what was taking place behind the door. Jude was also amazed at how Erin maintained her professional side and kept inside just what she really felt.

“Wow, think this is the most explosive it’s ever been,” Jude commented as the voices behind the door became more audible.

“I should never have taken them on, I should have recommended someone else to them,” Erin replied quietly.

“Rin, you weren’t to know it was going to be this way, just as you weren’t to know just who they were when they first called,” Jude pointed out. “And before you say anything about the surname, they’re not the only ones in Orange County, okay?”

With a small smile, Erin nodded, conceding that Jude was right. Sipping her water, she felt relief flow through her as the argument appeared to die down. Throwing the small paper cup in the trash can by the cooler, Erin straightened herself up a little, and prepared to go back inside. Placing her hand on the door knob, she stopped herself from entering as she listened to the hushed conversation taking place.

“I don’t know why we’re even here taking advice from her Brian, I mean, have you seen the way she dresses? She looks like some spinster, who probably hasn’t been kissed since High School, and who goes home to her cat and endless supply of crappy romance novels every night!”

“Chelle, what the fuck has the way she dresses got anything to do with it? You think if she was dressed like a whore she’d be more qualified?” Brian retorted.

“Well, at least….”

Opening the door, Erin stepped back into her office, cutting the conversation off.

“Erin, we’re sorry for…”

Erin shook her head, holding up her hand to stop Brian from continuing.

“I’m going to suggest that maybe it would be best for us to have individual sessions for a little while, that’s if you both wish to actually continue,” Erin stated. “I just feel that maybe if I spoke to you both separately, then we may actually start to make some progress here.”

“Whatever you feel would work,” Brian murmured.

“Okay, let’s end today’s session here, and on your way out, speak to Jude about setting up appointments for you both.”

Watching as the couple rose from the couch to leave, Erin began to wonder if she needed therapy herself for even wanting to carry on helping them.

Four hours later, Erin walked in through her front door, relieved to be away from the stresses and strains of her office. Placing the bag of groceries on the kitchen counter, Erin grinned as she was greeted by a gentle mewing. Looking down at her feet, Erin bent down and took the small black bundle of fur into her arms.

“Cat I may have, but crappy romance novels? Woman needs her head read if she thinks Pennywise the clown is my ideal man, huh Manson?” she muttered, the kitten nuzzling into her neck as she eyed the ever growing pile of well thumbed horror novels that sat on the kitchen dresser.

Kissing Manson’s head, she popped him back down onto the floor before deciding that a glass of wine was what she needed to help her fully relax. Taking a glass from the cabinet and grabbing the half full bottle from the fridge, Erin wandered through to the spacious lounge, flopping down on the couch with a contented sigh. After pouring herself some of the ice cold liquid, she placed the bottle on the small table by the couch, only then noticing the little red light on her answer machine merrily flashing away.

Her first instinct was to ignore it for a little longer, only to change her mind when she remembered it was Thursday, and that her mother would have probably called, forgetting that Erin didn’t always arrive home until much later than office hours. Pressing the button, Erin sat back, only to sit upright quickly as the voice that permeated the air wasn’t the one she had expected to hear.

“Rin, it’s me. I don’t even know why I’m calling, because I’m probably the last fucking person you want to hear from right now, but you’ve been on my mind a lot of late, especially today. Fuck, who am I kidding? You’ve always been on my mind. I know we thought it was for the best, and that we’ve both moved on, but I miss you Rin, I miss you so fucking much.”

The voice that had always made her feel warm, wanted and safe was barely a whisper now.

“I have to go, I just needed to tell you that I love you Rin, don‘t ever forget that.”

Unable to even comprehend what she had heard, Erin simply drained her glass before reaching for the bottle for a refill.

*************************

Erin was very aware of the hazel eyes that scrutinized her choice of outfit for the day, but she refused to allow Michelle make her feel dowdy in the cream and blue leaf print dress and blue suede pumps she had chosen that morning. So far, their session had consisted of whines and moans about Brian’s lack of thought and consideration, a theme that had become so repetitive over the passing weeks, Erin was almost positive she could repeat it word for word and save the woman opposite her the trouble of even talking.

Finding that her thoughts were wandering to the message that had been on her answer machine a week ago, instead of actually paying attention to what Michelle was saying, Erin knew she needed to interject quickly and actually concentrate on the real reason they were both there.

“Do you believe that it’s just the way Brian can apparently be a little thoughtless that’s the main issue with your marriage, or is there some other underlying problem?” Erin asked, praying that Michelle would steer away from the age old subject.

“He doesn’t love me, that’s what the problem is,” Michelle responded harshly. “He’s in love with someone else.”

A little stumped, Erin hastily flicked through the file she had kept on the couple, looking for any reference to what Michelle might possibly be eluding to. Unable to find what she needed, Erin knew she was going to have to ask.

“Well, this has never been mentioned before, but are you saying that Brian’s having an affair?” she questioned.

It was somewhat difficult to believe, they had only been married a year. And although Erin was no fool and knew it was a possibility, something just didn’t fit right.

“Oh God no!” Michelle laughed bitterly. “That’s not Brian. What I mean is that there’s someone else that he’s never stopped loving, in spite all my efforts to make him forget her, she’s there, in his head. It’s like we’re in some bizarre love triangle, except she’s never around.”
“Oh, I see. But surely if she’s an ex girlfriend, there had to be reasons why they never stayed together,” Erin encouraged.

“Long story short, she went to college, he joined the band, and it just became too difficult for them to see one another. They decided it would better to end things, so that they didn’t end up fighting and making demands on each other,” Michelle answered.

“Did you know her?” asked Erin. “Because you and Brian have known each other since you were teenagers, so I take it she was part of your circle of friends.”

“She was, but I really didn’t take a lot of notice of her. She was kinda non descript from what I remember, although according to everyone else, she could be really wild when the occasion saw fit. All I know is that to Brian she was perfect, and I will never match up to that. And she had a dumb name too, I think it was a nickname…now what was it?”

Michelle’s voice trailed off as she struggled to recall the name of the woman who was clearly the crux of the problem when it came to this marriage.

“Benny!” Michelle suddenly announced. “Well that was one of them, the other fails me right now,” she added, seemingly bored once more with the way the conversation had turned.

Erin couldn’t help but smile at the name Michelle had thrown at her as she hastily made notes in her book.

“Michelle, maybe you could attempt to discuss this ‘Benny’ with Brian, and try to resolve this issue, because until you do, it’s just going to continue to hang in the air between you, and that’s unhealthy,” Erin stated clearly.

Glancing at her watch, and sighing with irritation as though she had somewhere more important to be, Michelle simply nodded, before taking hold of her purse.

“Yeah, I can see that going real well,” she muttered. “I can try, but if it doesn’t work, then maybe you can talk some sense into him next week,” she added, flouncing out of the office without as much as a goodbye.

“Arrggh!”

Erin let the scream of frustration escape her, not even sure if Michelle was out of earshot. Alerted by the noise, Jude practically flew in through the door.

“Alright, she was your last appointment of the day, so I don’t want any protests, we’re locking up and heading to a bar, because you look as though you really need a drink,” Jude stated, her expression telling Erin she wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

Without argument, Erin returned the Haner’s file to her desk.

“Lead the way,” she sighed.

Sitting on the patio of Long Beach’s The Yardhouse, Erin looked out across the marina, her glass of wine never far from her grasp. Jude had been right, she had needed to get out of the office and be somewhere other than home. She needed to unwind and even though client confidentiality was a must in her profession, she knew she could trust Jude implicitly, so knew this was going to be an opportunity to get a few things off her chest.

“She’s just so infuriating. There’s only one clear reason why she wants to hang onto this marriage….”

“And that would be so she doesn’t lose her meal ticket,” Jude interrupted.

“I never said that,” Erin pointed out.

“No, but it’s what was on the tip of your tongue,” Jude added. “However, you have to look at it that they’re both as bad as each other. She wants to hang onto him because of who he is, and he wants to keep making this work just to prove to everyone that told him it wouldn’t work that they were wrong.”

Erin had not argument, Jude was right. But sitting there and telling the couple that wasn’t something she could do, no matter how great the temptation.

“You know me Jude, every couple that walks through my door, I want to help them, I want them to be able to see that no matter what problems they may have encountered that they’re actually meant to be together. But this one, I just want to tell the pair of them to get the hell out, because that’s the only option here.”

“Yet we both know you won’t, despite how you may feel,” Jude stated. “So, any more phone messages?” she quickly asked, wanting to steer away from the subject of work.

Glancing at her friend, Erin shook her head.

“Nothing more since that one last week, which is probably just as well, because that was a little unnerving,” Erin answered.

“What? Even though you’ve…”

“Yes, even in spite of that,” Erin interupted. “Although how he got my number is still puzzling me,” she added, making a point to look Jude in the eye.

Taking a mouthful of her drink, Jude simply shrugged.

“I have no idea,” she mumbled.

“Hmmm, funny that,” Erin teased with a smile.

*************************

After a somewhat quiet weekend, Erin returned to work on Monday ready to get back into the routine. After her morning sessions, she opted to have lunch in her office so that she could catch up on a few notes ready for the two couples she would be seeing later that afternoon. She picked at the chicken salad she had brought with her that morning as she updated the files that were spread out in front of her, completely engrossed in her work.

“All work and no play makes Erin a very dull girl, and I know for a fact she’s got a crazy side that screams to be let out once in a while.”

The pen fell from Erin’s hand onto the desk at the voice that had invaded her concentration. Looking up, she fought hard not to smile at the figure leaning against the doorframe.

“Your appointment isn’t until Thursday, Brian.” she stated, mentally cursing the way the words hitched in her throat.

Brian took a few steps nearer to the desk that acted as a barrier between him and Erin. She studied him for a moment, not failing to notice that he looked so much more at ease than he had done over recent months. His eyes held that playful glint once again, and that damn irresistable smirk was fully fixed on his thin lips.

“That’s why I’m here, I need to cancel,” he told her, his voice velvety smooth and causing a mixture of emotions to rise within Erin.

“Oh, well if you need to reschedule, I’ll have Jude bring the diary through and we’ll pencil you in for another day,” Erin rambled, standing so that she could go out to reception.

“No need, I’m cancelling because I won’t be needing any further sessions,” Brian informed her.

Erin opened her mouth to speak, only to shut it quickly as she realised she wasn’t even sure what to say. This was an unexpected turn of events, and Erin was completely thrown. Going by Michelle’s session the previous week, being told they no longer needed her services was not what she had expected to hear.

“I don’t know what to say except congratulations!” Erin finally responded, her tone overly enthusiastic.

“Congratulations?” Brian asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow.
“Well of course, because I can only take this to mean that it’s good news, that you and Michelle have resolved your issues,” Erin explained.

Brian shook his head and chuckled.

“I guess you could say that,” he told her. “See, Chelle came home last Thursday, and confronted me about something the pair of you discussed, about Benny. Well that was all it took, everything came out, I finally laid all my cards on the table. It wasn’t pretty, we fought long and fucking hard, and the next thing I knew, she was packing her bags.”

Erin felt her heart sink, the realisation that she had in fact helped destroy any chances they had rather than helping them hitting her like a tonne weight.

“Shit! That wasn‘t what I intended to happen,” she murmured. “I knew I should never have accepted you as a client, I knew the moment you walked through that door that I should have refused to help you, it was ethically wrong of me to have allowed it to carry on.”

“Then why did you Benny?”

Her green eyes met with Brian’s brown, trying not to let her emotions get the better of her. It had been so long since she had heard him call her by the nickname Jimmy had graced her with because of her surname.

“Because you looked so worn down and defeated, and that was all the reason I needed. You weren’t the Brian I knew when you first came here, and seeing you that way, trying to fix something that I think we all knew was beyond repair, it near on killed me. I couldn’t stand to see you like that,” Erin admitted. “But why me?” she questioned.

“I had no idea who we were going to see, until I walked in and saw you standing there. It was a friend of Chelle’s that recommended you to her, she called and made the appointment. I just want turned up because she told me to,” Brian explained.

Erin simply nodded, knowing that he was being completely honest with her. Brian ran his long fingers through his mess of black hair, letting out a low breath.

“Rin, the message I left last week, I meant every word,” he told her softly.

Shaking her head, Erin perched uneasily on the edge of her desk.

“What do you want me to say Brian, that I feel the same?”

“It would be a start.”

“We haven’t spoken in ten years Brian, because even though there was no malice between us, we figured it would be better that way,” Erin reminded him. “I’ve just spent the last three months attempting to patch up your marriage, which was surreal to say the very least. And despite all my best efforts to try and let go of my feelings, to even push the memories out of my mind, it’s been impossible, because whilst I may not have spoken to you, there have been four other guys who have kept me constantly informed about you. But there’s an even bigger factor in all of this. You have just ended your marriage, the marital bed isn’t even cold, and you’re here, wondering if I still love you.”

She looked at Brian, knowing that this wasn’t going to go how he had probably planned in his head.

“It’s just not the right time,” she whispered.

If ever there was a time Erin had ever hated herself, it was then. Brian’s handsome face was a mixture of despair and disbelief, and she had caused that. All because she was unable to answer him truthfully and give into how she really felt.

“Well maybe if you ever decide the time is right, you know where to find me,” he murmured, leaving her standing alone, his shoulders slumped as though his world had just crashed around him.

***********************

Monday nights at Johnny’s Bar and Grill were always quiet, and for that Brian was grateful. After leaving Erin, he had spent the majority of his afternoon walking along the beach, trying to figure out just how everything that he had been so confident about that morning had gone so drastically wrong. He had turned everything over in his head again and again, and as much as he wanted to deny it, Brian knew that maybe Erin had a valid point.

That however, didn’t stop him from wanting her back in his life. Their break up hadn’t been harsh or fuelled by arguments. It had simply came to be because they had both realised that their lives were taking them on different paths. Maybe if there had been bitterness and anger it would have made letting her go so much easier, but the honest truth was that Brian had never forgotten her, his feelings had remained unchanged.

Raising his beer to take a long leisurely drink from the bottle, Brian ignored the movement next to him at the bar, hoping that whoever had chosen to sit next to him didn’t attempt to strike up a conversation.

“When you said I’d know where to find you, I didn’t think you’d make it this easy.”

Brian slowly lowered the bottle back onto the bar, glancing over to his right.

“You see, apparently I’m a fucking idiot who needs to forget about what’s right and wrong from time to time and just go with what my heart tells me,” Erin continued. “Jude’s words, not mine. In fact, I’m apparently that much of an idiot, that she cancelled my appointments this afternoon, sat me down and lectured me real good. Ordinarily, I would have reminded her who’s boss and told her to shut the fuck up, but for once, I couldn’t argue with her. She actually makes sense every now and then.”

Brian’s broad shoulders shook as he chuckled at her words.

“So, here’s the deal. I’m still in love with some fool I knew way back when, and today I told him something that I think both of us really knew I didn’t actually mean or even believe. It was merely self-preservation. However, after being spoken to like a child for several hours this afternoon, I know that I have to just go with the flow.”

Erin paused as Brian turned on his stool so he was facing her, the smile he wore telling her he was listening.

“We can’t go in all guns blazing, it needs to be slow and steady, just so we’re absolutely positive that this is really what we both want. I mean, there’s every chance that we could get into this and then it all becomes….”

Brian stood, cupping Erin’s face in his large hands before pressing his lips firmly on hers, cutting her off mid ramble. A contented moan escaped her, the feel of being so close to him again making Erin glad Jude had taken the upper hand earlier. Brian pulled away and gazed down at her with a grin.

“You know, I can’t believe Michelle didn’t even realise it was me,” Erin suddenly blurted out.

“Rin, it’s Chelle…need I say any more?” he answered laughing.

“Are we crazy? Do we need help for getting into this?” she asked quietly.

Brian shook his head.

“You’re all the therapy I need Rin,” he assured her, going in for one more kiss.