For You I'd Tear Out My Own Heart

Each of us went in, one by one, going into see her. The doctor said that when someone is comatose, they can still hear things people say. This means Zoe can hear anything and everything we say. I wanted to say so much, and that’s exactly what I was going to do. And it will be that much easier just because I know she can’t reply back.

Zack came out and spoke. “Go ahead Alex, you can go in and see her.”

I nodded at him, and walked in. I would’ve smiled, but I haven’t been able to smile in a while. Not since I’ve heard my angel was hurt so badly. It’s been hard on all of honestly. We’ve all just been kind of moping around, failing to keep the mood up and alive.

The room seemed so un-Zoe like. She was usually so full of life, while this room was white and boring. Zoe would’ve wanted the room to be colored, and a different bed set to sleep on. I chuckled at the thought of her complaining about it. She was always one to speak her mind after she got comfortable around us.

I sat down in the uncomfortable chair by her bedside. Her body looked so limp and pale- it made me want to walk out now. But that would be stupid, I’ve been preparing this moment ever since tour started. I wanted to tell her how I felt for a long time, and this is my perfect opportunity.

“Hey Zoe,” I grabbed her hand. “It’s Alex.”

I dumbly waited for a response, of course she wouldn’t respond, she was in a coma. “I’ve been wanting to tell you this for such a long time, but I couldn’t find the right time or place. I know that you said we were never going to be more than friends, but I can’t stand it anymore, Zoe.”

I looked around her face, hoping for a twitch of a smile. Nothing. “I do love you, and I’m still in love with you.” I squeezed her hand as I spoke the last words. “I know that I should’ve told you this a long time ago, but you were with Jack, and I couldn’t do that with him. Then that night when you were talking about Brandon, I was going to tell you then. And we got into that stupid fight.”

A few tears fell down my cheeks from the thought of that pointless fight. “You’re not a bitch, and I’m so sorry for ever even saying that terrible lie. I was so mad, and so jealous, that it just came out. I know that’s no excuse, but I want you to know that I’m so sorry for that Zoe.”

I wiped my eyes lightly before continuing. “I know that I fucked up with Lisa a long time ago. I know that it wasn’t fair to you - and that you deserve so much better. But I can’t take being without you anymore. Every time I see you; I want to hold your hand, or kiss you, or be able to call you mine, but I can’t. And it’s because of how much of an idiot I am. I can not apologize more for that, Zoe.”

I hated my self for what I have done to her. I began talking to her lightly breathing body once again. “I know that you don’t want me, and I know you never will. But, I want you to know that if there is a small hope of us being together, please let me know. Because Zoe, I will treat you like a princess on a pedestal, I will give you everything you want and more, I’ll never let you go, and I will never even look at another girl.”

I smiled with thinking about us being together. “Please Zoe, not just for me. But for Zack, Nina, Kara, Rian, Jack, your parents, everybody; wake up. We all need you, so please, just please fight.”

The chair squeaked against the tile as I got up. I kissed her forehead lightly and stood up straight. Just as I was about to leave, I noticed something silver on her neck. The necklace I gave her was set there firmly, and a rush of joy went through me. I kissed her one last time before leaving the room.

Kara went in next to talk to her, and that’s when I sat down on one of the chairs outside of her room. We’ve all basically been glued here except for sleeping. I stayed here last night, but I thought about going home soon. I have yet to see my parents, and I really do need to see them. But, the thought of leaving Zoe really bothered me. Like if I left, she’d somehow be weaker.

God, why did I have to love her so much?