Mielisairas Rakkaus - a Crazy Dudesons Love Story

“Sarah,” Lynn said greeted coldly as she, HP, Jarno, and Jukka sat at the picnic table outside Dave’s collapsed garage/barn. “Lynn, how’ve you been?” Sarah smiled sweetly, draping her arm around Dave’s waist. “Been okay.” She answered bluntly. “Hey, come on Lynn, chill. What’s your problem today?” Dave sighed, he was just as clueless as the other men at the table to why she was acting like this. “Nothing, sorry. I’m just tired I guess.” She apologized sweetly, feigning a very convincing yawn. “It’s okay, I understand. When I moved to Helsinki with Jason I went through the same thing.” Sarah smiled and sat down beside Jarno and Jukka.

Meanwhile Nikki was inside her room nearing tears as Squint and Jarppi tried to put the couch back where it was when Dave left for work; first they had to pry it from the doorway. “So listen, and you can not repeat this, okay?” Squint grunted as they struggled with the couch. “Okay,” Jarppi grunted in reply.

“That chick out there is Jason’s sister. Jason is Nikki’s ex, and Sarah’s a serious bitch. I mean, you have never met a bitch like her. She pretty much ruined Nikki’s life before moving here with her brother. Dave doesn’t know any of this. He knows they used to date, that’s it… and if Nikki knows I told anyone she’ll kill me.”

“Did they hurt her?” he demanded, putting all his strength into pushing the couch out of the doorway.

“Yeah, you could say that.”

“Then why is she here?”

“Not a fucking clue…. Shit!” he screamed as the couch dislodged and Jarppi nearly ran him over. “What did they do to her?” he asked once they recovered and started carrying the couch back to its original position. “Broke her. I can’t really say more dude. I wish I could because someone needs to know this shit, but like I said, she’d kill me.” He sighed.

Just then Lynn came storming into the house, and into her and Nikki’s room. “What happened?” Squint demanded from the doorway, yelling across the yard to the others. “I don’t know, all I did was tell her me and Sarah are going out!” Dave answered. “Fuck.” He muttered and plopped down on the couch.

“Should you tell him what they did to her?” Jarppi asked, clearly worried about Nikki. “No, because he doesn’t know at all, and he never will, and really, neither will you. I didn’t tell you anything.” He shrugged with a yawn, “Damn, I’ll see you guys later. I’m gonna unpack… since you guys wouldn’t let me do that last night.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks,” he laughed and made sure to lock the door behind him.

“If you tell him, then he’ll make her leave. He'll probably kill Jason too.” Lynn sighed as she and Nikki sat together in their floor with the door locked, so that nobody came in and caught Nikki crying, again. “No, he’ll hate me. To start with, he’s super Pro-Life; that alone will make him disown me, Lynn. Second, he thinks Sarah and Jason are like the sweetest people on the planet! And besides, he’s apparently happy with her… he needs to be happy.” She replied, trying to wipe away her tears as quickly as they fell.

“You never told him about anything? I know you didn’t tell him about the baby, she made sure of that, but you didn’t tell him about the rest of the stuff?”

“He’d hate me more! Do you know how long it’s been since he spoke to Dad?”

“Your dad had a thing for crack whores, and striping sluts. That’s why they fought so much. You aren’t a crack whore! You were hurt, and tried to make that hurt go away with being stupid!” she yelled, “No offence, sorry.”

“No, I am stupid.”

“Are not, that was my fault… hey I think I saw some drinks in Dave’s fridge. Yeah the labels are in Finnish, but I know a beer when I see one. Shall we?”

“My brother’s dating my ex-boyfriend’s sister… yeah that calls for a drink.” Nikki laughed and followed Lynn out, neither girls realizing that her eyeliner was smudged down her face, eyes bloodshot and puffy, and nose resembling that of Rudolph the Red Nose.

“Oh sweetie, what happened?” Sarah gasped as soon as she saw her. “Homesickness. You know, moving to a whole new country isn’t that easy? You’ve been there.” Lynn lied quickly, and dragged her into the kitchen.

“I have only known you for two days and I can tell that you two are lying.” Jukka announced as they passed him and Jarppi standing beside the microwave. “Forget our lies… what are you doing?” Nikki asked, skillfully changing the subject to his wonderful plan. “Cooking an egg.” Jarppi answered simply. “Did you poke a hole in it?” Lynn asked quickly. “Of course…not.” Jukka grinned. “You’re going to blow up the egg!” Nikki laughed, just before it exploded. “It was an egg for Sarah anyway.” Jarppi shrugged. “I love you guys.” She beamed and took four beers from Dave’s fridge, “Join us!” she ordered.

“We really shouldn’t do that just yet.”

“One… of…us!” Lynn began chanting, soon joined by Nikki until the guys finally accepted the drinks and followed them out to the picnic table. Nikki was going to drink nowhere near the Bitch. Of course Jukka had to serve her the egg first, and left laughing and jogging to catch up.

“You know, you guys are going to have to get more drinks in about… three minutes?” Lynn grinned. “You just opened them.” Jarppi pointed out. “Yeah, and I just drank half.” Nikki laughed and kicked him so that he fell off of the bench beside the table. “You know what is missing, right?” Jukka questioned, though it was obvious he was trying way too hard to act innocent. “Slippery nipples?” Nikki asked innocently, making Jarppi choke on his drink and start laughing. “Perverts, it’s a kind of shot!” Lynn shouted.

“No guys, I was going to get some butter and-”

“Nikki!” Lynn laughed, cutting her off completely.

“Smother,”

“You’ll scare them off.”

“Your,”

Nikki couldn’t continue because the guys were laughing too hard, and Dave and Sarah were walking over to them. “What’s going on?” he questioned as the others slowly joined them. “Nothing. Innocent chatter about smothering Jukka and Jarppi’s nipples in butter.” Lynn shrugged with a perfectly straight face. “Some things just don’t change.” Sarah sighed with a smile. “No, they don’t.” Nikki scoffed before announcing beer run, and jogging to the house laughing with Lynn hot on her trail.

“What things haven’t changed? We have only met them two days ago.” Jarno asked. “They drink a lot. And they’re destructive, drunk or sober…watch your things if you don’t want them broken I guess. But they’re both really sweet girls.” She answered. “You see that building behind us?” Jarppi asked as Jukka burst into laughter. “Yeah, what happened to it?” she asked almost awkwardly. “We drove three cars through it while playing Capture the Jarppi.” Jarno answered proudly. “Jarppi had the flag drawn onto his stomach.” Dave explained with a shrug. “Why did you drive through the garage?” she asked in surprise. “We were chasing Jarppi!” Jukka shouted.

“Chasing him where?” Nikki asked, appearing as if from nowhere with her arms filled with drinks. “Through the garage.” HP shrugged. “So that’s what happened! I was wondering about that.” She laughed, handing him his drink and sitting beside him, which was also the farthest possible seat from Sarah.

“We brought two each!” Lynn announced proudly and set out second beers for everyone. “How much do you plan on drinking tonight?” Dave laughed while opening one of his. “Until you run out.” Squint answered with a shrug. “Which would be these here… that’s all that was in his fridge.” Nikki laughed. “Really… that’s not a lot. Jarno can you drive to a liquor store?” Lynn asked hopefully. “Jarno… the one you called cute earlier? Maybe someone should go to keep you out of trouble.” Jukka laughed. “Ah, but we couldn’t do anything like that because then he would have to put down the camera!” she beamed and finished off her second beer before opening her third. “Slow down,” HP laughed almost nervously. “It takes like… four to get her drunk. And both hold their liquor really well. They also handle hangovers really well so tomorrow won’t be too harsh either.” Squint shrugged. “And Nikki?” Jukka asked, acting more like a concerned brother than Dave was. “She takes three and then keeps going until she passes out.” Lynn snickered. “Like you haven’t woken up face down by the Porcelain God before.” Nikki scoffed.

“At least I never woke up in it before.”

“Did too, at Henry’s!”

“Henry’s was different!”

“Henry’s was you getting shitfaced and waking up with your head in the toilet.”

“At least I didn’t… never mind. We’ll argue about that party later.” Lynn laughed and tackled her friend in a very sloppy kiss on the cheek.

“What happened at Henry’s?” Jarppi asked curiously. “Henry’s is a bar about three blocks from Lynn’s place in LA. We’d partied there from open until close one night and the next day was… hellatiously brutal.” Squint giggled, already getting tipsy. “She passed out while puking her guts out and woke up with her head in the shitter.” Nikki added proudly. “We all woke up in… not-so-great places.” She sighed before chugging her third beer and resting her head in Nikki’s lap as they both lay in the grass from the tackle.

“Beer run. We’re out.” Squint announced two hours later when Sarah finally finished her second beer. “We’ll go!” She squeaked, and dragged Dave to his car. “Be back later.” He laughed, giving to protest to her demands, and drove off.

“THE BITCH IS GONE!” Lynn screamed once they were far enough away. “We need… fire!” Nikki snickered, looking hopefully up at Jarno and Jarppi. “What?” they asked in unison. “I’ve heard the stories about you guys from my brother. If anyone can help me get a fire started it’s you four. Please? Pretty please? I’ll be your best friend forever!” she begged. “All right.” Jarppi laughed. She gave a squeal of excitement and ran to the barn/garage for some wood.

By the time Dave finally got back, a whole hour and a half later, there was a huge bonfire where the picnic table used to be. “What did you guys do?” he gasped. “Maybe got a little carried away?” Lynn grinned, trying to look as cute as she could in her now covered in soot, and ripped, pink tux. “You burned my table, didn’t you?” he asked with a sigh. “No! Well, yes but not that one… the coffee table.” Nikki shrugged.

“WHY?”

“Because Jukka wouldn’t help me go in the woods and find some firewood! I was scared to go alone!”

“Jukka!” he whined, while laughing at the thought of Nikki being afraid to go into the woods by herself. “Dave,” he mocked, and relieved him of his alcoholic beverages. “Oh don’t be like that… what took you so long anyway?” Lynn asked from her place spread across Jarppi and Jarno’s laps beside the fire. “It takes a while to drive to town from here.” He shrugged. “It takes half an hour.” HP pointed out, “That’s one hour there and back.”

“Plus shopping.”

“Plus a quickie.” Lynn snickered, not meaning for Dave and Sarah to hear her. “And what’s your excuse? You’re lying across two guys you barely know!” she retorted. “Ehm, I’m drunk.” She beamed and gladly took another beer from Jukka as he passed them out. “And Nikki?” she scoffed, referring to the girl who was now in Jukka’s lap. “He has the beers, duh!” Squint answered, as if it were the most obvious thing on the earth. “We’re not sluts, Sarah. I met them two days ago… or is it three now? Jarppi what time is it?” Nikki laughed. “I don’t know, you burned my watch, remember?” he smirked. “I’ll burn you in a minute, fatty.” She sighed and completely drained the beer she just opened.

“Dave, you took so long I got all sobered up waiting on these drinks! Now I have to work double time to make up for it.” She sighed. “I think you should go to bed.” He frowned. “I think you should shut up and drink.” She retorted.

“I’m your older brother, and I say you should get some sleep before you do something stupid.”

“I’m a grown woman, and don’t need you telling me what to do!”

“She’s still lit,” Squint and Lynn announced together. Nikki was usually pretty in control of her anger, unless she was impaired, then it was a short fuse on a big bomb, especially if Sarah, or Jason were involved. “Well being lit is no excuse for being a slut.” Sarah murmured, pulling Dave into the house. “WHORE!” Nikki shouted while flipping her off and limping towards the woods.

“No, come back over here.” HP ordered. “Get bent.” She spat and continued on her way. “You’re drunk, injured, and don’t know your way around just quite yet. Come back here and relax a little, maybe things will calm down.” He reasoned, but once again she ignored him and disappeared into the tree line.

“Well… that settles it. Sarah’s a cunt, and Dave’s a whore. Another drink Jukka.” Lynn sighed and continued to drink until she passed out and he had to carry her inside. Squint just slept on the picnic table, which had been moved up against the barn/garage to make room for their fire. Dave didn’t object to that since Sarah was sharing his room, and the Dudesons were setting up in the living room, playing a quick game of Tabasco shots to see who got the couch.

“Has Nikki come back yet?” HP asked before they could take their beds, after winning the couch for him and throwing up the six shots of Tabasco. “I don’t think so.” Jukka answered. “Maybe we should go look for her, she could be hurt again.” Jarno suggested. “Should we wake Dave?” Jarppi asked, but was answered by Sarah’s annoyingly shrill call of his name. “He’s already awake.” Jukka snickered and walked out the front door.