For Always, Forever

Alex Gaskarth’s hands shook slightly as he sat before his friends and bandmates on the tour bus. It was late afternoon; the sun had just begun to sink below the horizon and everyone smelled like stale sweat. This was his second family. Surprisingly, he was more nervous now that he had to tell them the news than he had been when he had told his parents. After a minute, he cleared his throat, still staring down at the floor. He didn’t have the guts to look anyone in the eye. Everything in their lives was about to change, though they didn’t know it yet. The worst part was that this was all on him – not that it was his fault, although he felt pretty shitty for not noticing something was wrong earlier – and he wasn’t sure he could handle the weight of all the guilt on his shoulders.

“So guys, um, I have something to tell you,” he started. “I guess you all know that I’ve been, like, super fucking tired lately. So... uh... while we were home last month, I went to the doctor, and... fuck... how do I even say this to you guys?” He pressed his thumb and forefinger to his temples nervously. He could feel them looking at him.

Jack said, “You’re not going to say you gave me mono, are you? Because I totally told you to stop sucking so many teenage dicks, man.” Normally this statement, along with Jack’s trademark smirk, would be enough to send Alex’s heart into palpitations. Right now it just made the knot of anxiety in his stomach grow larger. Matt kind of elbowed him in the chest, as he was wont to do. He gave Alex a sympathetic look; Matt was the only one that knew that Alex was deeply in love with Jack Barakat.

He cleared his throat and started again. “They, uh, they sent me for some tests and, um... Guys,” he said, grimacing as his voice broke, “they found something.” A tear threatened to fall. Great. He swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “They... I... I... They found... I have...” He sighed, took a deep breath. “I have cancer,” he mumbled. “They... they found a tumor. In my brain. I... I might not... I might not be okay.”

“Fuck,” Jack mumbled, standing up and walking out. At that, the dam broke and tears started streaming down his face. Of all the people he had to tell, he had hoped that Jack would have taken it better. But obviously, Jack was disgusted by him and didn’t want to be around him. He slumped down in his seat miserably, barely registering it as the rest of the guys smothered him in a sweaty group hug.

Matt petted his hair, whispering, “It’s okay, you’re okay. We’re here for you.” Alex buried his face in the other man’s shoulder, whimpering softly into the thin fabric of his shirt. He hadn’t been able to stop about the potentially inoperable tumor growing in his brain for a week. Now he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about Jack getting up and just... leaving. Somehow, that hurt even worse than finding out he might die if the tumor didn’t shrink in treatment. Would he be able to make it through treatment without his best friend? Without the love of his fucking life, for that matter? Not that it would matter, because after eight years of friendship, Jack still didn’t have the faintest idea of how Alex felt.

After everyone else left, wandering off in silence to do their various jobs, Matt stayed behind. Alex sighed, staring blankly at the wall opposite them. “I don’t know what to do, Matt... I’m scared.”

Matt thought for a long time before he replied. “You need to tell him how you feel. If... if this is it, ‘lex, you’re going to feel pretty shitty in the afterlife if it turns out he felt the same way all along and you never did anything about it. And, I mean, he does love you in his own way. Come on, hug,” he said finally, reaching out for Alex, who was still sniffling. “We are all here for you, bro. So if you want me to cancel the next tour... just say the word. The fans will understand.”

“Jack doesn’t even understand. What the fuck chance do I have of anyone else understanding?” he muttered. Matt said nothing, just exhaled sharply and kissed the top of his head. “Don’t tell me it’s going to be okay again. It’s not going to be okay.” He closed his eyes, curling into their manager’s protective embrace. “I hate this so fucking much.”

--

Jack sat on the curb, blinking back tears. How could this be happening? It didn’t make sense. He thought back to the day he had met Alex; he had fallen in love with the boy almost instantly and for this to be happening now, when the only place they had to go was up, was absolutely devastating. The thought of life without Alex was... impossible. And he knew in his heart that Alex didn’t feel the same way, so he put on this stupid act to cover it up. He didn’t even want to think about it.

Even as he thought it, images of Alex, sickly and frail, raced through his mind. What if Alex got really sick? What if he had to be in the hospital? His entire body ached. They wouldn’t let him stay even if that happened, probably. At such a critical time in his life, Alex would only want to be around his family. Maybe he would want to see Matt – after all, they’d been friends since Alex had moved to Baltimore when he was seven. The last person he would want to be would be Jack Barakat. When he was sick, Alex was grumpy and morose; he didn’t want to be around a guy that made dick jokes constantly and did fucking stupid things.

He heard footsteps approaching and tried to make himself even smaller than he already felt. “Go away,” he called out. The footsteps grew closer. “I’m serious, go the fuck away unless you want me to do some fucking serious damage to your face.”

“Jack.”

He turned around to face Matt. “What do you want? Shouldn’t you be comforting Alex with your dick or something?” Instantly, he wished he could eat his words. What a shitty thing to say. “Sorry,” he said softly. “I just... I’m freaking out.”

Matt sat down beside him. “Talk to me about it.”

“I just... I keep picturing him all sick and in the hospital and... and dying and... and this fucking sucks, and I’m freaking out and I don’t know what to do and every time I open my mouth to say something it’s completely fucking stupid and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

He made a face when Matt ruffled his hair. “It’s fairly obvious, dude. You need to tell Alex how you feel.” Sulkily, he crossed his arms over his chest. “Jack. Come on. I see the way you look at him, okay? He needs you, man. He’s a mess right now, and... and I don’t think it’s me he wants to comfort him at the moment.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Even if he was into guys, which he’s not, he could do a hell of a lot better than me.” Then he realized his mistake and shoved Matt slightly. “Fuck you, Matt Flyzik, coercing me into admitting I have a thing for Alex. Fuck. You. What are you, like, the fucking All Time Low fairy godfather or something?”

“I’ve known you gentlemen for ten years. I think I might be slightly qualified to tell you when one of you is being a gigantic fat fuck-face.” He put his arm around Jack, grinning. “So tell me, when did you first start having feelings for Ms. Gaskarth?”

“Fuck off, Matthew, I am not telling you that. Or, like, anything else about it!”

Matt sighed. “You are impossible. Seriously. You’re probably thinking about going back to the bus and crawling into his bunk and holding him or something else equally sappy, so go do it instead of sitting here moping.” He ruffled Jack’s hair once more before getting up and leaving, whistling a song from some Disney movie as he walked off. Maybe he would, but Matt didn’t need to know that. He sighed, unsure of what to do.