For Always, Forever

Alex was sound asleep in his bunk when Jack returned to the bus. Everyone else was still out; the bus was silent, save for the steady sound of Alex’s breathing. Jack stood with his hands in his pockets, watching his best friend sleep. It wasn’t fair, he thought to himself. Someone so perfect – so fucking beautiful – shouldn’t be dying. He had to do something to fix this. Quietly, he sighed. Apparently the small sound was enough to wake Alex, because a minute later he was rubbing the sleep from his eyes and staring up at Jack sadly.

“Hey,” said Jack hoarsely. “I, um, I...” He didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry about earlier.” And it almost hurt him to look at Alex – to see how pale his skin was, how tired he looked. More than anything, he wanted to crawl into the tiny space and hold Alex, but he wasn’t sure how well this idea would be received.

“Flyzik talked to you, huh?”

He nodded. “I’m really, really sorry, ‘Lex... I freaked out. I’m so scared...” he confessed. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” So he tugged at his dark hair, gnawed on the inside of his lip, and waited. He didn’t know if Alex would forgive him or not after his little performance earlier.

Alex’s chocolate brown eyes are filled with an emotion Jack can’t name. “I’m scared too, Jack. This is all really big and... I just, I just feel so alone.” The pain in his voice is really more than Jack can bear to listen to. “I really need my best friend right now, you know?”

“I know,” Jack whispered, afraid that speaking any louder would give his feelings away. “Tell me what you need. I’ll do anything, ‘Lex.”

“Can you just... hold me, or something?” Wordlessly, Jack crawled into bed beside him, wrapping his arms around Alex and pulling him close. After a few minutes, it became apparent that Alex was crying. Jack kissed his forehead lightly, rubbing his back and trying not to cry himself. He needed to stay strong. Alex mumbled something into his shoulder, which he didn’t catch.

Gently, he wiped the tears from Alex’s face. “Hey, I’m here. ‘m right here.”

“I love you so much,” Alex said softly. “You’re my best friend. Thank you for... for coming back, and everything.” He whimpered, nuzzling into Jack’s shoulder and squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m so scared.” If only he meant it the way Jack wanted him to... But Jack had to push those thoughts aside and take care of his best friend. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he wanted to rest his hand on Alex’s exposed hipbone and stroke the skin there.

--

Alex woke up feeling warm and comfortable, for once. It was a nice change from waking up scared and drenched in cold sweat. And alone... His body tensed nervously as he realized that he wasn’t alone in his bunk. He couldn’t believe he had chickened out when he’d tried to tell Jack how he felt. But at the same time, he was glad that Jack had stayed; he hadn’t had any nightmares and actually felt rested. Sighing, he shifted position slightly in Jack’s arms, trying not to wake his friend. The fact that this brought his body closer to Jack’s was a coincidence. It was nice, really, being snuggled up to someone he really cared about. He would try not to read too much into it. After all, no one deserved a relationship with a condemned man. So, Alex closed his eyes again and tried to go back to sleep.

“Alex?” Jack whispered softly. “You awake?”

“Barely,” he replied, curling his fingers into the fabric of Jack’s shirt. “Thank you for staying...”

He felt his heart flutter as Jack’s lips grazed his forehead. “That’s what friends are for.” But friends didn’t do this – they didn’t get into each other’s beds and snuggle. “You just focus on getting better, ‘kay? I love you. We all do.” Alex practically melted as Jack’s hand rested on his hip; it took all his strength to keep his mind out of the gutter after that. Was he even supposed to notice the way it felt when Jack touched him, or should he just ignore it and save himself the heartache? “I’d do anything for you, Alex, I really would.”

“Do you mean that?” he breathed. Jack’s fingers were rubbing small circles on his hip; he wondered whether Jack was even aware he was doing it. They had always been close like this. It wasn’t uncommon, when they were on a break from tour, for them to curl up at either of their houses and watch movies together. So he was just overreacting... He and Jack were never going to happen.

The tip of Jack’s nose grazed his. “Of course I do, stupid.” Their eyes met, but Alex looked away quickly, blushing. “Hey, look at me,” Jack whispered, reaching out to touch Alex’s cheek. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he lied. He could feel his face burning. As much as he wanted to respond to Jack’s touch, he didn’t want to risk jeopardizing the friendship. That was the most important thing, wasn’t it? “I mean, it’s... it’s not really important. Don’t worry about it.” Jack’s eyes probed his, just like they had years ago on the day they met. “Jack, really, I’m fine.”

Jack’s hand moved to the back of his neck. “You’re a really bad liar, you know...” A shiver shot down his spine as his best friend’s fingers tangled into his hair. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s fine, Jack. I’m serious.” He tried to ignore the obvious hurt in Jack’s eyes. All he wanted was to stay this way for about a million years, safe and warm. Suddenly he felt very shy; Jack had never looked at him like that before. “I’ll talk to Matt about it later.”

“So what, you can talk to Matt, but not me? When did that happen, ‘Lex?”

He sighed. “It’s not that, it’s... I... I – Jack? I, um, I need to tell you someth-” His confession was cut off as the other half of All Time Low boarded the bus with Matt in tow. “Never mind,” he whispered. “I’ll tell you some other time.” He choked back a few tears as Jack crawled out of his bunk to go talk to the other guys. It was so hard, sometimes. And he wasn’t sure when he would find enough nerve again to try and tell Jack how he felt. Feeling even worse than he had before, Alex curled up in the corner of his bunk and pulled a pillow over his head so that no one would see him cry.