For Always, Forever

Once he started treatment, Alex kept looking sicker and sicker. It didn’t sit well with Jack – okay, Alex was still the most beautiful thing to him, period – but it broke his heart to watch the person he loved suffering. Most nights he lay in bed, watching Alex sleep and wondering what the fuck to do. Every time he looked at Alex, it seemed, the love of his life was getting thinner. He couldn’t just watch Alex waste away to nothing; he couldn’t let Alex mope around all day in a state of depression. But he did, because he didn’t know what else to do and Alex wouldn’t get out of bed most of the time. So he kept quiet and did what he could. Jack really felt like he was giving up on living, and that was the part that hurt the most: Because if he was giving up on that, then he was also giving up on... Jack.

Another thing that started happening was the frequency of Alex’s nightmares increasing. He would never say what they were about, but when he had one he ended up spending most of the night curled up against Jack’s side, crying softly long into the night. It had been another one of those nights; Alex had just fallen back asleep and Jack found himself wide awake despite the late hour. “I love you,” he whispered into Alex’s hair. As usual, Alex stayed asleep. It was better that way, he thought.

Or not. “Mmm, what?” Alex purred, rolling over so that his forehead rested against Jack’s.

“Nothin’,” Jack sighed. “Go back to sleep.” He slid one hand up Alex’s shirt, massaging the other’s spine in a way that he was certain would put Alex to sleep. The skin was slick with sweat; it felt more and more often as if Alex was burning up from the inside out.

Alex poked his chest – dangerously close to the nipple – which made Jack gasp. “You said something. Tell me.” And Jack didn’t need to see him to know that he was pouting, staring up with those big brown eyes and blinking slowly. “Jaaaaaaack. No secrets. Tell me what’s goin’ on with you.”

“I – it’s nothing. You don’t need to worry about me, right now.”

Alex’s fingers grazed his jaw lightly. “Doesn’t stop me from wanting to know.” And when he spoke, Jack could feel his breath, warm and tickling. “The world doesn’t stop just because I’m sick.” Their fingers intertwined, trapped in an awkward battle for space between their bodies. Jack wondered if he should say anything at all; but then again, he had a feeling that if he didn’t, Matt would say something worse and embarrass him into doing it.

He cleared his throat. “What, um, what were you gonna tell me that day on the bus?” Their noses were touching – too close to be completely innocent – and he could practically fucking taste Alex’s lips at that distance. “’Cause it seemed, you know, kind of important.” At least, he hoped that. He hoped that being in bed with Alex, holding hands and snuggling, it meant something.

“Oh... Probably something about Zack and Rian fighting; it’s getting fucking annoying. C’n I go back to sleep now?” Alex yawned. Jack tucked the blankets around his shoulders, wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist, shifted sleepily so that his leg was between Alex’s thighs. “Mmm, g’night.” And, as usual, Jack waited for Alex to fall asleep for good, kissing his forehead before falling asleep himself. Everything else could wait until the morning; there were appointments to be made and pills to be swallowed, but for the moment the only thing that was important was how much he loved Alex.

**

It happened when Alex was showering one day. He was washing his hair, working up a pretty good lather when he pulled his hand away to rinse off the shampoo, and a clump of hair went with it. Not enough to be noticeable to anyone else, but it was enough to freak him out considerably and send his mind into a downward spiral about his future. He was losing his hair. Soon, he would be bald. And who was he without his hair, exactly? The tears started streaming down his face; he curled up in the fetal position in Jack’s bathtub and cried. How long he stayed like that, he didn’t know. By the time Jack came in and sat on the edge of the tub, the water had gone cold. He sat, trembling, avoiding Jack’s eyes. He didn’t want to see the pity reflected in them. It had been bad enough when he had started bruising like a fucking peach.

Jack climbed into the bathtub with him, apparently not caring that he was ugly and naked. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Jack asked quietly. Alex shook his head. He couldn’t talk about it; he felt as though he would vomit up everything in his stomach if he opened his mouth at that moment. “C’mere,” Jack sighed, pulling Alex into his arms. It was almost reassuring – it would have been if he hadn’t been so horribly aware of the fact that he was naked, that Jack could see every stupid bruise and count all of his ribs. He buried his face in Jack’s shoulder, embarrassed that he was crying and embarrassed that Jack should see him this way.

“I’m so ugly,” he whimpered. “I get uglier and uglier every day and I’m losing my h-h-hair...” Suddenly, his head was pounding, which was really not that unusual. “And now my head hurts...”

Jack kissed the top of his head. “Maybe you should just go back to bed,” he suggested gently. “Want me to carry you?” And he didn’t wait for Alex to answer, either, but instead lifted him, bridal-style, and carried him back to the room that they shared. It was... almost romantic, if Alex was being completely honest with himself. He wasn’t sure if the tightening feeling in his stomach was simply nausea, or something... else. Then he remembered that they were best friends, and felt embarrassed for even thinking about it. When Jack laid him down on the bed – very carefully, mind – his first instinct was to curl into the fetal position again. “Hey,” Jack murmured. “Talk to me.”

“I hate everything,” he whimpered, tucking his knees against his chest. “Leave me alone.”

Jack’s arms wrapped around his waist. Were they spooning? “You know I can’t do that.” A second later, Jack’s foot was rubbing against his own; against his better judgement he began to relax into Jack’s touch. “Tell me what’s happening with you, ‘kay? I’m here...” How was it even possible that Jack – wonderful, silly, light-hearted Jack – could be this... romantic? This serious? This – dare he think it – loving?

Alex sighed again. “My hair is falling out. I’m getting, like, really fucking ugly and pretty soon you’re – nobody’s going to want to be around. I see the way everyone looks at me, Jack – it’s like I’m some wounded animal and it’s hard for them to look at me. Even you... You’re starting to do it, too.”

“I want you to understand something,” said Jack. “You are not ugly.” As if to illustrate this point, his hand slid down Alex’s side, coming to rest just above his hipbone. Alex squirmed slightly – it felt too good; he wanted it too much and if his body kept reacting the way it wanted to, he would probably be very embarrassed. “This isn’t just a cancer thing, is it? There’s something else goin’ on with you.”

“You said you want me to be happy, right?” he blurted out finally. Jack replied with a little ‘mm’, so he continued. “Well, okay, so what if my happiness is dependent on another person? And I’m not s-s-sure if they feel the same way, so... So yeah.”

Jack’s thumb traced lazy circles on his hipbone. “Alex, someone would have to be a complete and utter dumbfuck to not fall in love with you. I mean, shit, you’re...”

“’M what?” Alex asked, squirming slightly. “Come on, you can tell me. We’re best friends or some shit.” But he had the distinct feeling that he wanted more, so maybe that wasn’t entirely honest to say. Jack didn’t stop touching him, though. His skin felt as if it were on fire everywhere Jack was touching him – a fire that seemed to be spreading to, well, you know... It was a good thing Jack couldn’t see his face, because he was probably blushing pretty damn hard.

“You’re amazing,” Jack whispered against his skin, so close that he could actually feel it. Then he felt Jack’s lips against the back of his neck, and his entire body was alive with electricity. “Please don’t ever say that you’re ugly again, ‘Lex, because you’re honestly the most fuckin’ beautiful thing in the world to me. I don’t care if you’re bald, or a unicorn – well, actually, I would care if you were a unicorn, because bestiality – but fuck, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you,” Jack whispered, punctuating the words with kisses pressed into his neck, his shoulders, his throat.

Alex couldn’t think of anything to say besides, “I’m naked.”

“Let me hold you. Just... please.” As if he needed an invitation! Alex shifted, trying to find a position that would let him keep some semblance of modesty – after all, Jack probably didn’t want to touch him like... like that. So he sort of just wrapped his arms around Jack’s neck, tangling their legs together, and tried to process what was going on. “I love you so much, it’s fuckin’... stupid.”

“I’m – you’re – you-you...” He couldn’t find the words to express how he was feeling. All he could think about was why they hadn’t had this conversation sooner, and what it would be like to kiss Jack, and where his hands were supposed to go, and... “I-I-I... I’m freakin’ out.” So his fingers traced the shape of Jack’s jaw, feeling the roughness of his stubble. “I love you, though. Um, I hope you’re not expecting, like, things... ‘cause I’m kind of... I mean, I’m not in any shape to be havin’ s-s-s... that, you know?”

Jack nodded. “I know. I just wanted you to know. I, um... I do want to make you feel, like, good... but if you don’t want...” Alex cut him off at that point, pressing their lips together urgently. He needed to know what Jack’s lips felt like against his own, and was pleasantly surprised at what he found. Their mouths moved seamlessly together, all lips and tongues and wandering hands; soon enough, Jack had him pinned to the bed, assaulting his neck with warm, wet kisses and the occasional nip of his teeth. Alex couldn’t stop himself moaning softly – it felt so good, so right...

The doorbell rang, startling both of them. “Fuck,” Alex hissed. He hadn’t realized until that moment that he’d been not-so-subtly moving his hips against Jack’s. It was the closest he’d come to orgasm in... Well, since he’d started radiation, anyway. “I really want you to keep touching me.”

“’S probably Matt, though,” Jack pointed out. “I’ll tell him you’re sleeping, if you want. And then, if you want, I could... uh...” He seemed really loath to move, too, which Alex liked. The doorbell rang again. “I’ll be right back,” Jack whispered, before pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I love you.” He returned a minute later, smiling, stripped out of his clothes and crawled into bed with Alex.

“Wh-what are you doing?”

Jack kissed him softly. “It’s too hot today,” he explained. “I’m just gonna hold you, okay baby?”

“Wait, who was at the door?” he asked, snuggling up to Jack. “Was it Matt?” Their fingers found each other amidst the tangle of blankets, entwining comfortably. “Hey,” he mumbled, kissing Jack’s jaw. “I love you.”