Coffee and Cigarettes

Gerard got lost every time he kissed Frank. It was like his lips were meant to be pressed against those of his best friend and every time it happened he spent a few seconds in heaven. He loved the feeling of his skin on Frank's, the feeling of Frank's fingers weaving themselves between the hundreds of thousands of strands of his black, raven hair.

Perhaps it was because he knew Frank was leaving in less than twenty-four hours, and these kisses, the ones he loved getting lost in even more so than the green of Frank's eyes, were going to be going to New York as well. And Gerard, he would be stuck in Jersey.

Even on the hood of his car in the twilight of August, with his lips pressed firmly against Frank's, Gerard could feel it; The urgency of Frank's Frank's movements, the need that forced itself through their nostrils every time they exhaled.

And when it was over, when they parted and found themselves staring at the very person they would be leaving behind, or letting go, Gerard felt as if it was all he could do not to get lost all over again.

"I love you," Frank said plainly, looking Gerard directly in the eye. He felt like it had to be said if only to make it known that he didn't want to leave just as much as Gerard wanted him to stay.

"Yeah," Gerard said, forcing a smile. "I love you, too."

Gerard turned so he was facing forward, placing his weight on his palms. He found it hard to be around Frank so much now that it was only a matter of hours before he would be driving off to New York to do bigger and better things. Things Gerard could only dream of doing.

Sometimes, against his better judgment, Gerard felt that Frank was just to bright of a boy to be wasting his time with a bum like himself. A guy with little or no ambitions. A guy with a dream so ambiguous he could barely call it an aspiration.

"Are you okay?" Frank asked. When Gerard didn't respond he placed a hand on his shoulder. "Gee?"

Gerard nodded. "Yeah. I think I'm gonna start heading home though. It's getting late."

"It's only eight, Gerard. I don't have to be back until eleven."

"I know, I just... I'm tired," he mumbled, knowing the excuse was lame and would more than likely be greeted with anger.

Frank's eyes widened. "You're tired, so you don't want to spend time with your boyfriend the night before he leaves to New York? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that's pretty fucking lame."

"Well, it is what it is, Frank," Gerard said, glancing in his direction. "I don't know what you want me to do."

"Stay!" Frank exclaimed. "I can't believe what I'm hearing right now. I mean, I thought you wanted this to work out."

"I do! But it's kind of hard to be around you knowing your leaving in less than twenty-four hours. Excuse me for not wanting to get to attached."

Frank raked his fingers through his hair. He'd known this was coming; it wasn't as if the situation had only just made itself known. Still, he didn't expect it to happen like this. He never expected his last night in Jersey to consist of a fight on the hood of Gerard's car.

"Fine. Go home then," Frank said, sighing as he climbed off the car. "I honestly couldn't care less." Of course, he was lying. A part of him was hoping Gerard would tell him to stay; that he was sorry and wanted to make these last moments mean something.

"You want a ride home?" Gerard asked as he hopped off the car.

"No," Frank muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"What are you going to do then? Walk home?" Gerard asked, walking toward his boyfriend.

"Does it even matter, Gerard?" Frank retorted. "I mean, I don't want to seem clingy or needy or whatever it is people are complaining about these days, but I kind of expected us to spend time together. You don't seem to want to do that."

Gerard started to open his mouth but stopped himself before he said something he didn't necessarily mean. He dropped his arms to his sides and exhaled loudly. "What do you want me to do, Frank? Smile? Be happy?"

"Well... yeah!" Frank exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air for effect. "it's not just tonight that you've been doing that. Granted, tonight is just the icing on top of a pessimistic cake, but for the last few days you've been walking around with a perpetual frown on your face."

Gerard placed his palm on his forehead, unsure of what to come back with. It wasn't like Frank wanted to hear the truth. "I don't know what you want from me, Frank," he said, finally. "I've been trying to play the supportive boyfriend role all summer and..."

"And what?" Frank asked with wide eyes. Deep down, he sort of knew what Gerard was getting at and he wasn't so sure he wanted to hear it. The mere thought of the words he expected to come from Gerard's mouth made his insides turn and his eyes water.

"I want things to work out, Frank," Gerard said with all sincerity. "Not once did I not want things to work out."

Frank nodded, his eyes brimming with tears he wiped away before they even had the chance to fall. "But you don't think it will, right? New York is three hours too far."

"It's not that and you know it."

"Then what is it?" Frank asked. "You don't trust me? You wanna break up because you don't trust me?" He was crying now. He never intended to, but the tears had slipped and they were flowing freely down his cheeks. They weren't the kind to make you heave, but the tears were noticeable.

"Frank... I don't want to break up, I just... I feel like you're going to find something so much better out there and I just... I won't be able to measure up."

"Shouldn't I be the judge of that?" Frank asked, his voice rising. "Who are you to say what I'll find in New York or what I should want?"

Gerard sat back down on the hood of the car, leaning forward so his elbows rested on his knees and his head fell into his hands. "I'm just nervous, okay?" He said. "This whole God damn summer I've had people tell me I'm not doing enough or I'm not doing anything with my life..." Gerard's eyes found Frank through the spaces between his fingers. "And you? I mean... you're amazing. You're smart and you're going to be great. Whose to say you're not going to want something or someone just as good as you are?"

Frank wiped his face and stepped toward Gerard. He moved his boyfriend's arms so he could see his face properly and kissed him. Gerard could taste the salt of fresh tears on Frank's lips, but found the taste endearing and it only made the ache in his heart grow stronger at the thought of him leaving the next morning.

"I'm not going to be so far, you know," Frank said, chuckling. "You make it sound like I'm going to California."

"Seems like it," Gerard mumbled.

"But we'll talk everyday and we'll hang out whenever I have free time and... you know, it will be fine. People do this all the time."

Frank found it strange to see Gerard like this. While he'd always known Gerard was only human, he'd subconsciously assumed he never felt scared or nervous or unsure of himself. It was Gerard who was always telling Frank to man up or to 'screw what everyone else thinks.' It was Gerard who leaned against brick walls smoking cigarettes and telling Frank to loosen up. Even though he'd known it all along, Frank had forgotten that Gerard was still human and he was more than just a cool car, a leather jacket and a pack of cigarettes.

"I love you, you know," Gerard muttered. "And I'd never want to break up with you."

Frank nodded. "Yeah," he said, pressing a quick kiss to Gerard's lips. "I know."