Coffee and Cigarettes

The air was different between Frank and Gerard. Perhaps it was because graduation was coming up and maybe it was because things actually had changed. Gerard liked to think it was the first because if it was, his feelings wouldn't be put into question. At least not as much.

"Hey," Frank mumbled as he took his usual seat against the wall during lunch.

Gerard offered a smile and a small 'hello' in return. He watched as Frank removed his Physics book from his backpack. Frank glanced toward Gerard and chuckled, just as always.

"Still have a problem with Physics?" He asked, opening the book. "Because, you know, if you do, I can do my homework later."

Gerard shook his head, knowing Frank had no intention of turning in a late assignment. "No. You have that class next period. You should do your homework."

Frank raised his brow, closing the book, but using his finger to hold his place. "Are you serious? You always insist on talking during lunch."

"Yeah, but you have homework today. Why would I keep you from doing homework?"

Frank couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sure, he knew things were different ever since his fall from the window, but he assumed it would all pass over. He figured Gerard felt guilty, although he would never say that out loud, and he needed some time to get over what had happened. Frank was fine, no injuries, so he was sure it would only be a few days. However, ever since that incident, Frank sensed a strain on their friendship.

"I have homework every day, Gerard. You never let that stop you before."

Gerard sighed, using his index fingers to rub at his temples. He hadn't expected this sort of conversation today, therefore, he hadn't prepared himself for it.

"I just..." he paused. "I don't very much feel like talking right now. I have a lot on my mind and conversation with you would only aggravate it."

Frank's face fell, a frown forming on his lips. He didn't know what he had done wrong, if there was anything at all, and he, so badly, only wanted to fix it. Whatever it was. He searched his memory for anything he could have said or done to make Gerard angry.

"I don't understand..." he said, softly. "What do you mean conversation with me 'would only aggravate it'?"

Gerard took a moment to look at his friend. He immediately regretted his choice of words when he took in the blank, yet solemn, expression on Frank's face.

"It's not you," he said. "I just... well, I have some feelings I need to sort through on... I just have some things to think about."

"About me," Frank said. "Is that right? Is it NYU or graduation?"

Gerard shook his head. As much as he wanted to say it was, that simply wasn't the case.

The truth was, after Frank fell from that window, things changed. Gerard had raced down to the front yard and found his friend lying in a bush just outside of the house. He was nearly passed out and, frankly, Gerard panicked. He picked Frank up as best he could and took him to the car, sitting him in the backseat.

"Hey. Gerard," Frank said, moving so he was leaning against the window.

Gerard turned to the backseat, looking at Frank as he started the car. "What?" He asked. He was agitated and scared and a little more than freaked out.

"Am I gonna die?" Frank asked. "Because if I am, I think I wanna cigarette. You know, to relax my nerves." He paused. "That, and I wanna see what you find so damn appealing about the things. They cause cancer, you know."

Gerard shook his head as he turned down the road. "You're not gonna die, Frank. You don't need a cigarette and you're not gonna die. I'm taking you to the hospital."

Frank told Gerard to stop the car, and when that didn't happen Frank asked again, this time adding a few obscenities tot he request. Finally, Gerard pulled over and looked back at Frank who was happily reclined against the window. He was still a little drunk.

"Give me a God damned cigarette, Gerard."

Not knowing what else to do, Gerard reached into the glove compartment and located a cigarette. He lit it up and passed it back to Frank.

He coughed a few times but, within a few minutes, he was smoking like a pro. It was then, with Frank sitting in the backseat, eyes shut, smoking a cigarette, that Gerard realized he loved his best friend. Not in the brother sort of way, but the real deal.

"What is it, Gerard?" Frank asked now, taking his finger out of his Physics book. That expression still read across his features. Gerard didn't know what to do.

"It's you," he finally said. Frank's face, if possible, fell even further. "And me."

"Meaning?" His voice was smaller now, as if he really didn't want the answer. And yet, he had to know.

Gerard sighed. "Remember the window? When you fell?" Frank nodded. "And when you sat in the backseat of my car smoking that cigarette?"

Frank, once again, nodded, but he wasn't sure what this had to do with anything. That was over a month ago.

"Things changed that night, Frankie, at least for me."

Frank ran a hand through his hair. "What does that mean, Gerard? That I'm a lousy drunk? I already knew that. I fucked up and fell out of a window. I'm fine now, so I don't understand what you're getting at. What changed things? You said everything was fine."

Gerard pressed himself against the wall, looking at the clouds if only to avoid eye contact with his best friend. "Things are complicated for me right now. I feel like... things between me and you are different on my end. Feelings changed."

Frank groaned, his sadness turning to frustration. "I don't have time for you to be beating around the fucking bush, Gerard. What changed? You don't want to be my friend anymore?"

Gerard's eyes snapped toward his best friend. "No, Frank. I..." He sat up. "Remember Kenny Montgomery's party?"

Frank nodded, tried to interject. "Gerard-"

"Before you say anything, I have a point," Gerard said, interrupting him. "We said that things were going to go back to normal, just friends and all that, and they did. However, when you were sitting in my car, smoking a cigarette, I looked at you and things changed for me. I didn't want to be just friends anymore, Frank."

Frank furrowed his brow. "Gerard..."

Gerard sighed. "Hate me for it if you want, but I kinda loved you then, Frank. And I know it's messed up and everything because you're going off to college and I'm not doing much of anything, but it's the truth."

Frank dropped his head, taking in the information. "I don't know what to say, Gerard."

Gerard shook his head, his head finding the brick wall behind him. "You don't have to say anything. It is what it is, and it's fucked."

Frank turned, so he was facing Gerard. "I'm not saying I don't love you back, Gee." Gerard raised his brows. "However, I'm not saying I love you either."

"Then what are you saying?"

Frank looked straight ahead, sighing. "I'm saying... I don't know."

When Frank looked back to Gerard he could see the hurt etched on his friend's face, and, as much as Gerard wanted to hide it, he couldn't. He never expected Frank to automatically love him back, he knew life didn't work like that, but, he hoped for it. Against his own better judgment, Gerard had hoped for Frank to, somehow, love him back.

When he could no longer take the burning sensation of Frank's eyes on the side of his face, Gerard looked back at his best friend. He forced a smile, knowing Frank wouldn't believe it for a second. Gerard cleared his throat.

"Okay."