Drop Dead.

Sunday evening I’m lying in bed staring up at the ceiling. Saturday morning was the fight I had with Laker and we haven’t spoke since. It hasn’t even been 48 hours and I’m already starting to feel guilt gnawing away at my insides. But why?

I shouldn’t feel guilty for anything. Laker and I…we’re both guys. Guys aren’t supposed to do what we did. They’re not supposed to kiss, to cuddle, to sleep in the same bed together, none of that! I’m perfectly ok with someone being gay or a cross dresser or whatever but it’s an entirely different story when I’m the one that might be gay.

No. I am not gay. I’m just not. I find girls attractive. I just think they’re annoying more often than none and dating them is just stupid because all they do is bitch and whine.

There’s a knock at my door and I grunt. The door opens and Gel walks in with a scowl on her face. “What are you moping about?”

“Nothing,” I lie, shutting my eyes with an exhausted sigh. “Do you need something?”

“I was just wondering why your lover wasn’t over.”

My body stiffens. “Laker isn’t my lover.”

“I didn’t say anything about Laker.”

Bolting upright, I turn fast to look at Gel who is grinning from ear to ear. She giggles and skips over to me to take a seat on my bed. I growl angrily at her whenever she says, “You like him, you know it.”

“I do not. We’re both guys.”

“That doesn’t give you a reason not to like him.”

“Will you all just drop it!” I howl, slamming my fists down against the mattress. “I’m tired of this shit. I just want a normal life, that’s it. I want to have a normal family and friends. I want to eventually get a girlfriend, fall in love, get married and have kids. I just…want to be normal!”

My body is shaking and I can feel the tears in my eyes; they’re tears of anger and confusion. I’m tired of having everything that isn’t normal happen to me. I was born into a shit family, which obviously resulted in me going to the foster system. I lived on the streets and saw and did things no one should ever have to live through and now when I finally think that I got myself a normal life I realize that I really don’t.

I’m getting feelings for another guy and it’s just…ruining everything.

A small, warm hand wraps itself around my own, pulling me from my thoughts. Chewing at my bottom lip, I look up at Gel to see a determined look in her eye and I know that I’m screwed. She’s going to say something to change my mind.

“We’ll never be normal, Jinx, you know that. Besides, maybe with Laker you can’t officially get married or have kids of your own but at least you’ll be happy and isn’t that what we always wanted? To be happy and to have a family and friends. This is it, Jinx. This is your chance and you better take it before you regret it.” Gel leaves just after she says that and it doesn’t take long for me to groan angrily before getting up and changing.

I can feel the grin on Gel’s face when I pass her in the living room but she doesn’t say anything. Mimi asks me where I’m headed and grumble some form of Laker’s house before ripping open the front door and nearly slamming it shut behind me. My stomach is twisting uncomfortably and I’m starting to feel sick. I have no idea what to say or how to say it. I’ve never really been in a situation like this before. It’s nerve wrecking.

I didn’t want to but I reached Laker’s front door. I stare at it and stare at it and stare at it some more until I can’t stare anymore. Blinking my eyes, I take in a deep, calming breath and raise my fist. Knocking, I wait patiently for someone to answer. Thankfully it’s Laker’s mom so I have a bit more time to think of what I’m going to say to him.

“He’s up stairs, go on ahead sweetie,” she says to me around a smile. I nod and kick my shoes off before heading up the stairs and to Laker’s room. The sound of gun shots and cussing can be heard from out here. He’s obviously playing Call of Duty.

I debate on turning and leaving while I can but decide against it. I have to do this. Gel is right. I don’t want to say it but Laker…he does make me happy. We don’t really have a lot in common. Laker is friendly and handsome. Everyone at school likes him and wants to have the ball of joy around them while I’m…just the opposite. I don’t understand why he would choose me but he did…maybe I’m a little grateful for that.

My heart feels like it’s going to jump up my throat when I bring up my fist to knock on his door. At the sound of him pausing his game my legs start to shake and I grip my wrist. I start to rub at it, reddening the skin more than I wanted to. The door opens and when I see Laker standing there with a shocked expression I try to say something but it doesn’t come out.

It just sounds like a shit load of gibberish but he smiles and reaches out for me. I don’t have any time to react before he has me in his room, pressed up against his now closed door. His lips are on mine and instead of fighting back or pulling away, I kiss back.

I don’t know when my arms wrapped themselves around his waist but they did. Both of his hands are caressing the side of my neck while his tongue is entangling itself with my own. The kiss lasts long enough for us to pull away and gasp desperately for much needed air. My lips are most likely swollen and cheeks red but for once I don’t really care.

Laker is smirking and it’s just an arrogant smirk that I find myself growling. “What?”

“I didn’t think you’d be the one to apologize.”

“I didn’t apologize.”

“You were planning on it, weren’t you?” He chuckles and presses a delicate kiss to my lips. It makes my stomach flutter but I wouldn’t dare tell Laker that.

“Whatever.” I shove him away and stalk over to his bed where I curl up under the covers. Laker goes back to playing his game, acting as if nothing had just happened. I guess Laker really is my happiness.