Drop Dead.

Mimi has her arms wrapped tightly around me as I practically lose myself in her arms. I’m shaking from head to toe, trying my best not to relive the first 11 years of my life. It’s no use. The nightmares are coming back like a bad movie and my head is pounding from the constant onslaught. Throwing my hands over my head, I clench my eyes shut and silently pray for this to be a nightmare.

I’ve never thought about God. I figured he didn’t exist. He couldn’t because if he did, none of this shit would have happened to me. I wouldn’t have been born into a family of drugs and sex. I wouldn’t have lost Prince that day and I would have been able to stay here with Mimi and Ken forever. If there is a God, wouldn’t he let me have something good for once?

But right now, I really want to believe in him. I want him to exist just this once because if he does, he’d help me. So I pray and pray for this “God” to listen to me for once and please just let me have a life worth living. Don’t send me back to that demon. I want to stay here with Mimi and Ken, Gel and…I want to stay here with Laker. Is that too much to ask for?

Gel is also in the room now. She’s sitting in my lap and I have my arms around her, holding her against my chest like I used to back on the streets. She’s curling into my chest and tries to ask what’s wrong but I just shake my head and bury it in her neck. The poor girl has no idea what’s going on. She’s just watching me break down.

I don’t know when Ken finally reappears in the room. I don’t realize he’s in here until I feel a hand on my head, caressing me softly until I finally look up. He frowns and my world crumbles as he tells me the news, “I called a few people and…they said that since he’s your real father he has the right to take you back. He’ll be able to come and get you for a few days first to see how things go but…but if nothing goes wrong he’ll be able to get you back.”

“Of course nothing will go wrong for the first few days! He’s going to act like we’re a big happy family so he can get me back!” I scream, my heart racing in my chest. The constant pounding against my ribs causes me to wheeze. I can’t go back…I can’t.

“Don’t let him take me!” I’m clutching desperately onto Ken’s shirt now. My eyes are beginning to water, I know I’m crying. “Please don’t let him take me away.”

“I won’t. You‘re of age to choose who you wish to live with, that should help you out,” Ken wraps a reassuring arm around my shoulder. Mimi is trying to speak, probably to say Ken has no guarantee of keeping me but he shushes her. I feel his hold on me tighten and it allows me to settle down a bit. “I won’t let him hurt you again.”

~

It’s Friday night and I’m trying my best not to cry again. My “father” is coming to get me today. Ken has reassured me that due to my age I could have a really good chance at choosing whether I wanted to return with him or stay here. I’m praying he’s right.

There’s a knock on my door but I don’t answer. I can’t. Thankfully the person who steps in isn’t bad. I almost smile at the sight of Laker. The panic is still in me but it calms the closer he gets to me. When he’s in arms reach, I grab for him, pulling him down onto my bed for me to hold. Laker rests on his back and I curl into his side.

The feel of his heart beat against my chest calms my nerves. I’m still shaking in fear but when his arms wrap around my waist, I feel at ease. I remember telling myself I’d never be Laker’s friend and this would never happen…but now I’m glad it has happened. Not that I’d ever tell Laker this but…I really enjoy this…relationship we have.

“It’ll be fine, Jinx.” We both know he’s as worried as I am. “I’m here.”

His hands are massaging my back. I’m finally beginning to calm down when I hear death’s voice. It’s like my ears only picked up on his words and I begin to panic. I’m breathing heavily. Laker immediately sits up and holds me tightly against his chest, repeating it’ll be ok over and over against my ear.

I can hear him downstairs. His words are muffled but his voice still rings loud and clear. Ken is calling me, his hesitation obvious in his voice. I can’t move. My muscles refuse to allow me to go down those steps. Laker has to help me to the stairway and when I get to the bottom to see him, my father, I stiffen.

There’s an obvious difference in his appearance. When I was younger he always looked sick. His eyes were always red and drooping, skin pale, hair a mess and face covered in scruff. But now…his hair is cut and short, eyes finally their normal color and well…he looked healthy. That doesn’t make me trust him thought.

“Hey…,” he whispers, looking at me as if he missed me. It makes my skin crawl.

“Jinx, your father told me that he plans on taking you out this weekend but I already made him aware that if he does anything he’ll regret it,” Ken says, glaring daggers towards my biological father. Said father clears his throat, probably to try and act as if he hadn’t heard what Ken just said.

I send Ken a reassuring smile before looking back to my father…that doesn’t sound quite right. Calling him a father, he isn’t worthy of that title. He’s never treated me as a son before so why should I acknowledge him as my father? Thomas. His name is Thomas but I’m almost frightened not to call him father. The memory of his fists and his words cause me to cower in fear.

“Be safe. Call if you need us.” Mimi holds me against her, her grip only tightening when Thomas announces we need to leave. Mimi presses a kiss to my temple and whispers I love you against it. Ken and Gel embrace me as well and Ken escorts Thomas outside to his car, allowing Laker and I a moment.

“Call me as soon as you get back,” Laker orders, throwing his arms around me and pressing his lips against mine. I calm the moment I feel his lips. It’s an immediate reaction. Just being around Laker makes me feel like maybe, just maybe I’ll be ok. When we pull apart, I feel myself smile lightly.

“Yeah…ok.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and follow Thomas to his car. As we pull out of the drive way I begin sinking back into the seat. It’s like my life is flashing before my eyes. From the corner of my eye I see Thomas clenching the steering wheel. He seems just as tense as I am.

For a second I ask myself if I should really believe him. It’s obvious in his appearance that he’s off drugs. That’s good but…what about the screaming, the hitting, the abuse? His anger scares me more than anything else. He’s never been good at controlling himself. If I say or do one wrong thing, who knows what will happen to me.

I bite my lip. I can’t wait until Sunday.